Sacrifical Lamb
by skysedge
Summary: In a final attempt to escape Delilah, Jizabel and Cassian find themselves conflicted by forbidden emotions, frightened by their desires and caught between hope and despair. Will they ever be free? Or will they destroy each other first? Rating elevates
1. Falling In Darkness

I apologise once again to anyone who is still waiting for an update to I Cannot Leave Your Eyes

**I apologise once again to anyone who is still waiting for an update to I Cannot Leave Your Eyes. I will write the sequel, but I need a break from those boys.**

This is going to be a fairly longish story. 6-8 chapters maybe. We'll see. Plenty of angst and twists. seriously, **don't expect this to go like other Jizabel fics**. I hope you enjoy.

Oh, and like the last Godchild spree, this fic is inspired by **Lacrimas Profundere**, this time by their songs **'A Pearl', 'And God's Ocean' and 'Sacrificial Lamb'**. Lyrics may be included.

A shoutout to **DarkAngelJudas** if she's reading this for having a kickass name and sharing my murderer XD

Oh and **I'm looking for a betareader**. Please message me if you're interested

**Sorry for some of the random punctuation things. Symbols appear if leave it normal. I have no idea why**

One - Falling in Darkness

_Westminster Abbey, midnight. _

It was like receiving a letter from a dead man.

In a way, it _was_ receiving a letter from a dead man. The man who had once controlled the fingers that held the pen while writing, the one who could have pictured those hands in an instant and forgotten nothing; that man was dead. The hands were now controlled by someone still getting used to the sight of them and shuddering as he remembered just what those hands had enjoyed before they came under his control.

Jizabel wondered if Cassian could sleep at night, knowing that he was not sleeping in his own skin.

Perhaps lack of sleep would explain the letter. For all intents and purposes, Cassian was dead to him now. The Cassian that had thrown himself before Gladstone, the Cassian that had laid dying in his arms and murmuring of freedom. . . the Cassian that had left him, horrified of what Jizabel had allowed him to become, _forced_ him to become. It must be worse than death, living inside the body of a man you despise and yet Jizabel felt no remorse. The Doctor _never_ felt any remorse. So, why did this simple collection of words leave the bitter taste of regret in his mouth?

Jizabel himself stood motionless in the centre of the operating theatre, white coat still streaked with blood. He was the sole occupant of the room now and couldn' t seem to bring himself to move. Once the surgery had been completed, some low ranking trump card had placed an envelope into the doctor' s bloodied hands and he had clicked his tongue in irritation, assuming that only the card master would force him to read a letter here. Upon opening it, Jizabel had become rooted to the spot, reading the letter over and over in the vain hope that he would detect some flaw, some mistake that would brand the writer as a fake. He could find nothing, and the card that delivered it to him had vanished. So he stood alone, reading endlessly.

_Westminster Abbey, midnight, _the letter read. _We need to talk, Doctor. I fear that if you do not come I will simply lose my mind, and if you do I may anyway. All you have to do is be there; you owe me this much at least. Take care if you do come. London can be dangerous at night, you know that as well as I. Cassian._

It was strange. It didn' t sound like Cassian at all. And besides, why would he suddenly want to initiate contact? He had fled hating Jizabel, or so the doctor himself has felt. And it was better that way. Why would anyone willingly put themselves back in the way of Delilah?

Jizabel smoothed the edges of the paper gently, almost caressing. The paper was soiled, dirty and smelt stale. If the envelope it was deposited in had been of the same quality, there was no way the letter would have ever found its way into the doctor' s hands.

He wondered what kind of condition Cassian was living in and whether he had really saved him at all. . .

"Enough," Jizabel hissed, and flung the paper onto the cold tiles of the floor before stepping smartly over it and heading into the corridor. He stripped away the layers of bloodied clothing as he walked and simply let them fall to the floor, leaving him walking in nothing but shirtsleeves; a sight that was rare within headquarters. As he passed them, other members would flinch and quickly turn their eyes away.

Jizabel smirked. Death. He scared them. Good. Of all the privileges he had gained by becoming the Death card, this was the greatest. In fact, it was the only plus point. Other than this, all he had gained was humiliation and pain. He had lost so much, so much. The image of Cassian impaled on Cassandra's sword flashed into his mind with razor sharpness. Jizabel flinched and then doubled his pace, hissing quietly under his breath.

Why couldn' t he get Cassian out of his head? Even before the letter, Jizabel had been haunted by images, little fleeting memories of moments that had meant nothing but now felt like they meant only too much.

Jizabel rushed through the corridors as though his life depended upon it. He had to get outside. These halls contained too many memories.

"Jizabel."

It never failed to amaze Jizabel that just hearing his name being spoken by his father would cause him to cringe, even more so now than in the past. He turned his head away from the body lying in front of him to see Alexis standing in the doorway to Delilah's makeshift mortuary, dark suit immaculate, smirk set in place.

"Yes?"

Alexis took a step into the room and let his eyes travel from the grey skinned corpse on the low table, to the scalpel in Jizabel's hand and finally let his gaze meet his son's.

"You've been spending an awful lot of time down here, Jizabel."

"I. . . " Jizabel tried to shrug nonchalantly though he knew his eyes betrayed him. "I hadn' t realised."

Alexis' smirk widened. "Well, they do say that time flies while you are having. . . fun. What have you been dong down here? I hear that you're keeping the waste disposal boys busier than ever."

"Research." Jizabel was careful to keep his voice blank, not to rise to the bait.

"Oh?" Alexis smiled. "Well, I look forward to a report, Jizabel." He took a step towards the door before turning back, his eyes cold. "Surely you aren't waiting for that boy to come back, Jizabel? It would only mean death for him if he did."

Jizabel tensed, fingers curling so tightly around the scalpel that the knuckles turned white.

"I don't know who you are referring to."

Alexis grinned then. "Good. Make sure it stays that way."

He left the room, shined shoes tapping on the floor loudly until they finally faded away in the maze of corridors. For a moment Jizabel was still, pale hair curling around his face, eyes unblinking. Then, with a hiss, he plunged the scalpel deep into the cold flesh in front of him and tore at it in a frenzy until the skin ran red.

He then threw the scalpel away and sunk against the wall, bloody hands coming to rest in his hair, streaking it copper.

_Westminster Abbey, midnight._

Jizabel knew then, knew exactly what it was he had to do to stop himself from losing his carefully kept control.

He would go that night, to the Abbey. And there, he would destroy the thing that was plaguing him.

Cassian had to die.

**Cliffhangerish, eh? I promise this isn't going to turn into a murder fic, love Cassian, really I do! So please hold out for the next chapter. Don't forget to drop by and leave a review. Loves! Sorryll.**


	2. Drowning In Darkness

**Hello! So, it's chapter two! A lot earlier than I thought it would be. **

**Thanks to ****Ichi Kasuma**** and Meivu for reviewing, and a big shout out to two amazing people I only found here recently due to Jizabel fics - ****SunilaMoon**** and ****DarkAngelJudas****, check them out.**

**Things start to get darker here in this longish chapter. I promise it won't all be angst, honest. Hopefully from this one forwards, you'll see how I'm trying to get away from the usual Jizabel plot progression…**

**Oh and I will be resurrecting Viulu. Just so's you know. Love to all!**

Two – Drowning in Darkness

Westminster Abbey, midnight.

The cold night air stung Jizabel's face as he made his way towards the Abbey, the pale moon casting strange shadows on all the elegant curves and harsh edges of the building. The light seemed to give it some strange quality not present in daylight hours; it felt to Jizabel as though it was waiting for him and he felt a faint shudder of anticipation as his measured steps took him closer.

He had covered his white coat with a black one so as not to stand out in the crowd of London's night-people. Normally he wouldn't have minded having to dispatch an overly curious individual, but tonight he had other people on his mind. His fingers curled lovingly around the scalpel concealed in his pocket, the metal cold against his skin. He almost smiled then, but his mind betrayed him and sent him an image of Cassian, smiling gently. He couldn't even remember when he had seen the event, didn't even know if it had really happened at all. It didn't seem to matter, and he cast it aside.

It was time to settle this madness once and for all.

He finally reached the Abbey's doorway, opening up like a great mouth in the face of the grey wall. It was empty; there was no one here. Jizabel slipped effortlessly into the shadows of the doorway, leaning his lithe frame against the cold stone. He was prepared to wait although he couldn't deny he felt a little disappointed. Cassian's message had sounded urgent. Or had it all been a ruse?

Jizabel began to feel angry then. How dare someone like _Cassian_ play with his emotions this way? Nothing since childhood had ever made him feel this vulnerable, this weak, except for the ritual of regeneration when that foul Cassandra had forced his way into Jizabel's memories and tore out anything he wished in order to manipulate him.

He remembered turning away from Cassandra as he murmured obscenities into his ear, as though he thought it a fitting seduction. He had turned to see Cassian, standing in shock after hearing such confessions and Jizabel…he had run. Somehow, knowing that Cassian had heard every word made it all the more painful. That was why he had to be dealt with. Jizabel could no longer let someone who was such a threat to him live freely.

"Doctor."

Jizabel had been so lost in thought that he hadn't heard the approaching footsteps. A lean figure had slipped into the shadows of the doorway and was leaning against the other wall.

Cassian.

Half of his body was bathed in the glow of the street lamps, while the rest of him was wrapped in shadows. Jizabel knew he must look the same to an outsider – the two of them were like sentries guarding the abbey door.

"Doctor?"

A shudder coursed its way through Jizabel's body. It was just so…strange. Seeing the face before and knowing that it posed no threat to him. Not anymore. Time seemed to slow and Jizabel became incapable of doing anything but stare. He knew that he was staring at the face that had been Cassandra's; the face that had smirked while meticulously planning Jizabel's confinement and God knew what else but…it _wasn't _Cassandra. The Head Priest's face had been sharp, angular, cruel – much like the man himself. Now it seemed softer somehow. The voice that had slid into the consciousness like a knife was now soft, sincere. The hair that had always been an indistinguishable shade of red was just brown, now. It was truly remarkable.

Jizabel vaguely recalled being spoken to.

"Doctor?" Cassian's voice was low and hurried. "Doctor, what's wrong?"

Jizabel suppressed a shiver, not from remaining fear of Cassandra but because he suddenly felt extremely vulnerable. For the first time Jizabel became aware of exactly how much he had opened up to Cassian, without even meaning to. In the past, he had always been able to convince himself that Cassian's opinions were that of a child and so could be safely ignored. His words of freedom and darkness just didn't matter. But now, with him sounding as he had always meant to sound, Jizabel felt afraid.

His lips were dry. Forcing them apart now, Jizabel tried to find something to say that would hide his fear but could think of nothing.

"Cassian…" he said weakly, feeling utterly foolish. The long silence on his part had left the air filled with almost palpable tension; it was as though the air between them as vibrating with energy waiting for somewhere to go. All thoughts of death fled from Jizabel's mind in that moment, and the scalpel slipped out of his hand. Yes, Cassian was a threat to him but there was no way on earth that Jizabel could bring himself to eliminate him. He stood silently, unarmed, waiting for the moment when the world would betray him again.

Then Cassian stepped forward and, as the shadows fell away from his face, the spell was broken. He smiled gently, and the smile was all his own.

"You made it safely," he said quietly, smile still in place. Jizabel smirked but for once the expression was devoid of malice.

"I'm a grown man, Cassian. I can take care of myself."

Cassian's smile widened into a grin at that. "I know. And now I am too."

Jizabel looked away quickly, gaze dropping to the ground. Cassian sighed and took another step forward before bringing his hand close to Jizabel's face and gently tilting his chin back up. Jizabel thought of pulling back, slapping the hand away but…not anymore. Cassian couldn't be disregarded like that anymore.

"Is it hard for you?" Cassian whispered, "Being able to look me in the eyes like this?"

Quickly, Jizabel shook his head. "No."

"Then why are you so nervous?" Cassian asked, hand moving slightly to rest against Jizabel's cheek, one thumb caressing him gently. Jizabel tensed.

"I…you're letter," Jizabel replied, choosing to ignore everything except the question. "It…you…what is it that you want from me, Cassian?"

"I…" Cassian shut his eyes for a moment and shook his head slightly. "I don't know. I feel so…strange. This isn't my body. These aren't my hands. This is the body of the man who killed me and these are the hands that itched to put you into that terrible _thing_ and…"

Cassian stopped speaking, and let his hand drop from Jizabel's face. He was silent for a moment and then the hand rose back into view, this time clutching a knife which was swiftly placed against the doctor's throat.

"Thanks for letting me keep the knives," Cassian said gently. "They've been really useful. I'm truly sorry about this doctor, but I can't take this feeling anymore. I said I wanted to set you free, didn't I? Doesn't this count?"

* * *

The doctor hadn't moved in over a minute. This allowed Cassian a minute in which to simply look at him, to think about what he was doing here.

He had written that letter with the intent to kill Jizabel. Ever since the operation, Cassian had been plagued by dreams, visions, nightmare…images that he would never have entertained before. He would wake in a cold sweat and fumble for some matches to chase the shadows away, only to scream once again when it was lit as he found himself sleeping in someone else's skin. He was sick of dreaming of blood. Blood and tears and pale, pale skin. Something must have gone wrong during the operation, Cassandra must still be here somewhere, in his skin, his bones…

Jizabel hadn't changed over the past few weeks, not really. He still seemed fragile, beautiful, ethereal almost despite bearing the name of Death. He seemed thinner maybe. A little paler. And his eyes…his eyes were the same shade of amethyst that they had always been but they seemed deeper somehow. Before, his eyes had always seemed opaque, showing nothing at all. Now they showed Cassian…what? Regret? Satisfaction, maybe. Certainly not fear.

_"You were trying to throw your life away again."_ Cassian's own words echoed in his head and he remembered that moment, the moment he had felt Cassandra's sword pierce his skin and hadn't minded, because it meant that Jizabel had another chance to be free. He wouldn't have minded dying, then. So…why the hell was he holding a knife to Jizabel's throat now?

Cassian smiled a little. The doctor still hadn't moved, his pale hair moving gently in the cold night air. At that moment, the man that Cassian had seen slaughter mercilessly looked almost like an angel and he knew that he couldn't kill him.

"Why aren't you trying to escape?" Cassian said quietly, hoping that he could pass his threat off as some joke.

"Would you believe me," Jizabel said softly, "if I told you that there are only two people in the world I would allow to take my life?"

Cassian forgot to lower the knife as his mind raced. He could read the expression in the younger mans eyes now, finally. It wasn't regret, wasn't sadness. It was relief, as though a great weight had suddenly been lifted. But what was there for him to be relieved about?

"I…" Cassian said, aware that a reply was necessary. "One would be your father, right? Despite everything I told you, you would quite happily let him kill you."

"I'm sorry." The whisper was so quiet, Cassian fancied he had imagined it and carried on as though it hadn't happened.

"So…who is the other person? Is it…me?" The look in Jizabel's eyes told him this was true. "But why?"

"I removed your brain and inserted it into the body of a man that I knew made you sick," he said matter-of-factly. "You tried to sacrifice yourself for me, someone much uglier and worth a lot less than you. You…you heard about my past and yet didn't tell anyone else nor shun me. Cassian, if anyone has the right to take my life it's you."

Cassian's breath caught in his throat and he suddenly felt _evil_ – how could he ever have entertained taking this mans life? The fact that he wouldn't mind it made it all the more unbearable.

"I won't assert that right," Cassian said, lowering the knife and stepping away. "Oh!"

A small speck of blood had welled on the doctor's throat and was slowly trickling down his pale neck. And suddenly, Cassian couldn't breathe. His mind was full of images he knew he would never willingly dream up; blood, pain, laughter. His hands twitched and he clenched them because of an irrational fear that they would throttle him. He screwed his eyes shut and forced back a scream that wanted to make itself heard.

"Cassian?" Jizabel stepped forward, concern in his eyes. "What's-"

He was cut off as Cassian threw himself forward, sending them both back against the wall. The knife was back in his hand and was placed back against the now bloodstained throat.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, not daring to open his eyes and see whatever emotion was shining out of Jizabel's. "I can't live like this anymore. What the hell did you do to me?"

"Doctor!"

Jizabel turned towards the voice, cutting himself on the blade in the process. His new subordinate was running towards him, ridiculous coat tails fanning out behind him, hat lopsided.

"Doctor! What's happening?"

Jizabel turned back to Cassian and caught only a glimpse of a face streaked with tears before something was pushed into his hand and Cassian jumped away from him. Jizabel suddenly felt very alone as he watched Cassian hurtle around the corner, fading into the shadows. The arsonist started after him.

"No!" Jizabel shouted. "Leave him!"

"But doctor," he said breathlessly, "Who _was_-"

"No one," Jizabel said quickly. "Some street thug. I don't have time to deal with one of them tonight. Come."

He swept down the steps quickly and marched in front of his subordinate, who wisely remained silent. Ignoring the blood running down his neck, Jizabel opened his hand to see a scrap of paper, He unfolded this to see a scrawled address in familiar handwriting.

"Cassian…" he murmured to himself and then shook his head. "Hurry up!" he yelled behind him, needing some way to release emotion. "What are you doing out here anyway?"

He strode back to Delilah's headquarters, letting the arsonist's babbled excuses wash over him. What exactly had happened? Jizabel had no idea what but something felt horribly wrong. Cassian had been…unpredictable.

Despite being a doctor, Jizabel rarely felt the need to help anyone and yet…

He clenched the paper in his pocket firmly, telling himself that if he went to that address it was out of professional curiosity only. He wanted to know if the brain transplant had gone wrong…and whether this meant that Cassian was in emotional pain.

He touched a hand to the blood at his neck and shut his eyes briefly.

A professional interest only. Yes. He would talk to Doctor Zenopia.

Even as he thought this, Jizabel knew that as soon as everyone thought he was asleep, he would be leaving Delilah again and not one person would hear a word of what had happened upon the Abbey steps. This was something he was going to have to do alone.

**Reviews are lovely, I promise I'll try and respond to them! Love, Sorryll. x**


	3. Falling Against My Will

**First of all – holy **_**hell**_** this chapter is long! ****It's around 3600 words****. I am truly truly sorry. It seemed to take more words than I wanted and…well it wouldn't work split into two chapters. Also, this is one of the most crucial points in the story do I guess it deserves lots of words. I feel better about it now, but don't worry if you need to take a break while reading, this being twice the length of a normal Sorryll chapter.**

**Next of all – I ****love you all**** for your response to this. Special love to ****SunilaMoon ****for fun godchild related conversations and mutual fangirling. I want you all to read her fic ****I Want To See Your Wings****. Be prepared to cry. Bucketloads. Oh and she mentioned that the last chapter was intense so…I hope the end to this one doesn't kill you.**

**Finally – sorry for long authors note. I'm just adding to the word count – bad idea. I really hope you enjoy this my lovelies.**

Three - Fallling Against My Will

Cassian slammed his fist into the alley wall and swore under his breath.

What had happened back there? He had failed, surely he had failed. Jizabel was out there somewhere. Yet Cassian felt victorious, but over what?

He shook his head and let himself slide down the wall until he was sitting in the filth of the alley floor. It didn't matter _why_ it had happened, what mattered was what he was going to do now. Cassian had known it was a bad idea writing his current address down and at the time had seen no reason in doing it at all – if Jizabel was to die, who was he going to give the address to? It had been an irrational impulse to slip the doctor the address and a foolish one at that – it was almost as though he was leaving a message saying 'sorry I couldn't kill you today, contact this address to book a future appointment'. Cassian sighed and almost laughed at himself; Jizabel would never come, not now. In a way, Cassian did want to see him again but all thoughts of murder had fled.

Jizabel had let him escape, again. That had to count for something at least.

Rubbing his tired eyes with his fists, Cassian sighed deeply. He would just have to wait and see what was going to happen now. Could he survive with the nightmares? Would they fade with time? He stretched his hands out before him and glared at them hatefully.

_I know what you've done,_ he thought angrily, _I know the people you killed, the boys you defiled, the things you dreamed of doing to the innocent. I know you wanted to kill me. The deaths of all the thousands from the Crimone Gardens weigh on these shoulders now. But they're not mine…not mine…_

He stood up suddenly and shook his head to clear his thoughts. He could survive, if he just kept reminding himself that _he_ hadn't been the one to cause so much suffering. He could use these hands for good, no matter what they would have wanted.

Cassian turned smartly and vanished into a night, absently twirling a knife between his fingers.

-x-

It was almost three in the morning by the time Jizabel felt ready to leave.

He had spent the past two hours shut away in his office, pulling out files upon files of research that had long been discarded. They contained all of he and Doctor Zenopia's initial research into brain transplantations. After seeing Cassian, Jizabel knew that something was wrong and a part of him that he wished would be silent wanted to find out whether it was his fault.

_What the hell did you do to me?_ Cassian had asked. Jizabel desperately wanted to find out.

First of all, he had tried working out exactly what Cassian had meant. He had mentioned a 'feeling' which presumably meant an emotion, since he had seemed so healthy. Was he feeling…what? Guilt at having been the cause of Cassandra's death? Surely not, he had hated that man as much as Jizabel had, if not more. So what was it? Jizabel had thought fleetingly of his own problem, the persisting memories of Cassian that had doubled in umber since their meeting. Perhaps Cassian was…but no. The doctor had smiled a little at himself. As if someone such as himself could have such an effect on another individual. He remembered how Cassian had reacted upon seeing the blood his blade had drawn. His eyes had widened and something almost feral had come over his features. Jizabel had then stiffened as though struck and a memory forced its way into the forefront of his mind mercilessly.

Cassandra. Cassandra had enjoyed the sight of blood, especially Jizabel's blood. Yes…the very hands that had threatened his life on the abbey steps had drawn much more blood than Cassian had. Those hands that had trembled the one time Jizabel had cried out. The hands that would deny ever touching anyone and the eyes that would shimmer with the excitement of telling a lie.

Jizabel began to tremble then. What if Cassian was like Cassandra? It was a ridiculous notion and if Cassian hadn't inhabited Cassandra's body, the idea would never have hit him. Cassian wasn't _like_ that. But maybe…

This had been why Jizabel had then spent the next few hours absorbing as much of their research as possible. The scientist within him stoically insisted that the brain carried memories and personalities and that Jizabel should know damn well that nothing of Cassandra remained since he had been the one to place _that_ brain in a jar. The suspicious part of Jizabel's mind was unsure. Delilah was always meddling with the occult, rituals and the like. He was sure that neither he nor Zenopia had included anything in this operation…but if they had…Delilah was good at spiritual corruption.

The clock on the wall chimed three in the morning, and Jizabel finally stood to leave. He had read all he could and knew that if he didn't follow this through before daybreak, he may never do it at his black coat once more, Jizabel slipped a scalpel and the address into his pocket and left the building, as swiftly and silently as a ghost.

-x-

It didn't take Jizabel long at all to reach the address written on the paper. It was in an area of the slums somewhat close to Delilah but not close enough as to make it dangerous for Cassian to live there. Jizabel had kept close to the wall as he wandered along the street, searching for the right house. Eventually, he found it – a tall, ramshackle terraced house that spoke of the poverty and suffering of the underclass. Jizabel felt neither sympathy nor dislike for these people – everyone suffered in one way or another, the cause was of no importance.

When reaching the house, Jizabel paused just outside of the door. There were no lights shining from any of the windows and he discovered the door was locked tight after pushing at it experimentally. He raised a pale eyebrow and then took a deep breath – he would have to knock at the door. And knocking at the door made this all feel that much more real.

Silently cursing his own weakness, he raised a slender hand and knocked at the thin door. At first, there was no answer and then Jizabel became aware of a soft, shuffling sound just inside the house. After a few moments, the door was pulled open to reveal a short, grey-haired elderly woman who was less surprised to see Jizabel than Jizabel was to see her.

"An' who're you?" She asked sharply, her voice as cracked and worn as her weather beaten skin. "What kind of gentleman calls on a lady at this hour, eh? An' you must be a gentlemen with those clothes on, oh my yes. So?"

She stared up at him, fierceness in her small, rheumy eyes. Jizabel stared back, not sure of what to say. He had worked himself up for an encounter with Cassian, not some strange old woman. Staring down at her, he wondered whether she realised that he knew exactly what she looked like under that pale robe and under that thin layer of skin? If she knew just how easily he could take her life and not miss a second of sleep?

He thought briefly of murder and then shook the idea away. He wasn't sure if he had time to dispose of a body tonight.

"I am sorry for the intrusion at this late hour, madam," he said, hoping his words sounded sincere. "I just…I'm looking for someone. I think perhaps I have come to the wrong-"

"Oh no!" the woman brightened suddenly and threw the door back. "Are you here to see Cassian?"

Jizabel's eyes widened in surprise and he nodded.

"Oh well, you should have said sooner! He's a lovely lad, that one. Nice to know that someone in the world cares about 'im' He's not 'ere at the moment though, but you're welcome to go up and wait for 'im."

"Oh, he's a lodger?" Jizabel asked. That after all would explain the conditions of the letter.

"Yep, in the attic. Come on in."

Before he had time to register what was happening, Jizabel had been ushered into the small, narrow house and was being pushed up some rickety stairs. He turned around to see that the strange old woman had vanished, presumably back into her own rooms. Jizabel shook his head in wonder and turned to continue up to the attic. He didn't like the idea of waiting for Cassian like some assassin, but also didn't relish the idea of having to spend more time with the landlady. She was the kind of person that grated on his nerves and Jizabel knew that his temper often led to pain for the one testing it.

Eventually, he was met with a door and pushed it back to reveal a small room with a low ceiling. The attic was cold and dark. There were no windows so the air smelt stale and Jizabel wondered whether the low slung beams of the roof were starting to succumb to the damp. The room contained almost nothing and all it did contain was gathered in the centre; a small crate with some paper on top of it that Cassian must have used as a desk, an iron candelabra which was probably an heirloom of the lady downstairs and a heap of sacks that had been fashioned to look like a bed. On this bed was a thin blanket and another small stack with several feathers jutting out – a makeshift pillow.

Jizabel smiled a little before stepping into the room and shutting the door, plunging the room into darkness. It wasn't the best environment, but Cassian had found himself somewhere adequate. Although he would never admit it, the doctor was relieved and images he had been saving fled his mind, images of Cassian lying huddled in shop front or in underground tunnels. This was much better.

He crossed the room slowly until he felt his foot collide with the candelabra. Stooping to pick it up, Jizabel produced a match from his pocket and struck it against the create before lighting the three candles in the candelabra. He then set this on the crate and wandered over to the wall adjacent to the door, leaning against it and eventually sliding down to a sitting position, knees in front of him. He stared at the floor without really seeing it, wondering when Cassian would return. The candles cast flickering shadows from the overhanging beams, making the room appear larger and warmer than it was. Jizabel wondered whether it could ever feel homely in here.

A small mewling sound suddenly reached his ears, and Jizabel turned his head to see a small, scruffy cat fight its way out from under the thin blanket. It was thin, it's fur matted with mud and one of its ears was tattered and torn. Yet, it approached Jizabel with confidence and to his great surprise and happiness, leapt into his lap. He stroked it gently and let himself smile.

Perhaps this place wasn't so bad after all.

-x-

Cassian trudged up the stairs wearily, a small paper bag clasped under one arm. He felt better than he had earlier, more stable but with every step he could feel it crumbling away. He didn't want to be left alone again, didn't want to have to sleep again. Not after his encounter with Jizabel earlier. They wouldn't help the dreams, that was for certain.

So it was with considerable reluctance that he pushed open the door to the attic room and had taken two steps inside before noticing the light. The light, and the silver haired man leaning against the wall to his right.

Cassian blinked once or twice and looked down at the floor before returning his eyes to those of the doctor. As their eyes met, Cassian was sure he was dreaming. Why would Jizabel have come here so soon after what had happened? It made no sense. And the look in his eyes was one Cassian was entirely unfamiliar with and a little scared of – the doctor seemed pleased to see him. Then again, Jizabel always had been foolish. Leaning against the wall now, small cat in his lap and a tiny smile on his face, he looked more childlike than ever before…and Cassian couldn't help but feel himself smile at the image. He didn't know what it meant and didn't know what would happen from here, but suddenly he was very happy to see Jizabel, whatever this meeting could mean for them both.

He shut the door gently behind him as if a loud noise would cause Jizabel to run. He took a step forward and opened his mouth but didn't know where to start. Jizabel filled the silence for him.

"Your parcel is bleeding," he said in a soft voice.

Cassian frowned for a moment and then grabbed at the bag under his arm. He put it down gently on the floor.

"I, uh…it's for the cat," he said quietly, realising that a bag full of bleeding meat was not a good thing to present to Jizabel. "I stopped at the butchers to get it some scraps since it doesn't seem able to look after itself…"

The cat leapt out of Jizabel's lap and bounded over to the bag, where it promptly dove inside and began devouring the contents. To Cassian's relief, Jizabel only smiled.

"You've been caring for it."

"Well…yes. It keeps me company."

A silence descended upon the room and Cassian moved slowly to sit against the opposite wall from Jizabel, careful to watch him avidly. Just in case…of what? He wasn't sure. Jizabel's gaze was now resting on the floor and Cassian was worried that the opacity they usually contained would come creeping back. He cleared his throat.

"I…thanks for coming," he said emphatically. He hadn't meant for his voice to sound so grateful.

Jizabel looked up again and in the flickering light from the candles, his skin appeared soft, and his features gentle.

"It's a change from sleeping at headquarters," he replied quietly and the silence descended again. Cassian hated the silence, he hadn't realised how much he missed the sound of Jizabel's voice when it wasn't barking orders. He needed to ask something, anything.

"Who was that yesterday?" he asked at length, "The man who came running up?"

"Oh, him?" Jizabel clicked his tongue in irritation. "He is a blundering fool. I wonder how he managed to get into Delilah at all, let alone be appointed as my subordinate."

Cassian smiled despite himself. "What can he do?"

"He likes to set fire to things." Jizabel shrugged. "A useless hobby. He's not artful and doesn't seem to possess a single brain cell. He's useless. He hates the sight of a dead body and so refuses to bring them to the morgue for me, meaning that it takes me twice as long to get anything done…" Jizabel trailed off, staring angrily into the middle distance.

Cassian laughed quietly. "So…you miss me then?"

Jizabel promptly dropped his gaze to the floor but made no reply and Cassian took this to mean yes. Which made him feel undeniably happy. This happiness was cut short however, when Jizabel asked his next question.

"Cassian? Was there a reason behind your attempt on my life earlier this evening?" His voice was cool, detached which was surprising compared to the swell of emotions now raging through Cassian. He struggled to think of a calm way of replying.

"I just…I'm sorry-"

"I don't want an apology," Jizabel snapped. "I want an explanation."

"Okay…" Cassian shrugged. It couldn't hurt to tell him could it? And...he wanted to tell someone, _needed_ to tell someone. Before he knew it, the words were tumbling out. "Ever since the operation, I keep having these dreams. Nightmares. Visions. I don't know what they are, not really. All I know is that I hate them. When I sleep, I see blood. I see myself hurting people. I hear people crying and know that they're crying because of something I have done. In the dreams I can see hands…doing unspeakable things to people. Then when I wake up, I realise that they're Cassandra's hands, _my hands_ and…and...well, I can't stand it." He raised his eyes towards Jizabel who was watching him intently, face void of emotion. "I don't know what causes them, whether it's because the operation sent me mad or whether it's because I know what these hands were used for, know the unspeakable things they did, know what they wanted to do to…." He trailed off, and felt a blush rising to his cheeks. He had talked too much.

Jizabel removed his glasses slowly, pointedly, and placed them in a pocket. His face showed nothing but his eyes…his eyes were sad. Without the glass in the way to filter it out, the emotion was almost choking to see.

"What they wanted to do to what, Cassian?" he asked quietly.

"To…to you, Jizabel," Cassian whispered, forgetting about titles for now. "I can't stop thinking about what they wanted to do to you."

Cassian closed his eyes, felt his cheeks burning with shame. That was the worst part of this madness after all; that no matter how many people Cassandra had killed, the things he had wanted to do to Jizabel made Cassian feel sick. They were the worst things of all. The silence seemed to last forever until eventually, Jizabel broke it with a single sentence.

"You're not going mad."

Cassian opened his eyes and looked up. "How can you know?"

"Trust me Cassian, I'm a doctor." Jizabel smiled gently. "I checked all of our research into brain transplants and found absolutely no evidence that the procedure would affect you in such a way. There is also no way that anything you have been seeing is caused directly by Cassandra. That man is dead, Cassian. I know this because I am the one that killed him. These visions of yours are caused by nothing except guilt, guilt you shouldn't be feeling anyway since the actions were not your own. If you just forget about anything he ever did, the visions will cease. I promise you."

Cassian sat frozen, numb with shock and relief. Relief that he wasn't mad or possessed by Cassandra. Shocked because the doctor had known exactly what he was worried about, had looked it up and then come here to tell him. In a way, knowing that Jizabel cared was the greatest relief of it all. And now he could find nothing to say. He stared across the room at Jizabel and wondered how he had ever found anything to say to him. The man was so innocent in his way it was terrifying. It seemed strange that anything he said could even be understood by anyone else. Cassian felt honoured that he was being given the chance.

The silence stretched on. In the pause, the cat crawled out of the bag, licking its lips in an almost smug fashion. It then glanced at Cassian before bounding across the room and back into Jizabel's lap where it was instantly petted and fussed over. Cassian smiled and was grateful that something else was giving him reason to break the silence.

"I might be the one that brings him food, but that cat loves you more than me."

Jizabel laughed slightly, a sincere laugh, a sound that Cassian had never really heard before and instantly wished he could hear again.

"Then maybe you should show it some affection first," Jizabel replied quietly, eyes still on the purring animal.

-x-

Jizabel was surprised when Cassian stood and crossed the room to where he was sitting, and even more surprised when he sat down beside him. The look in his eyes was determined as he raised a hand and began to pet the cat.

Jizabel almost laughed then; he could never understand why loving animals was such a chore to everyone else and seeing Cassian try was quite amusing. Either that, or he had to laugh at something. The close proximity of the other man and the words that were still floating in the air long after being said weighed heavily on his mind. Emotions he could never describe threatened to engulf him. So Jizabel hung on to the feline as though it was the only thing left on earth, the only thing he could understand.

There was suddenly a pressure on his hand. Jizabel glanced down to see that while stroking the animal, Cassian's hand had come to rest upon his own. Jizabel froze, unsure how to react. Slowly, gently, Cassian's fingers closed upon his own and he felt powerless, couldn't move. As Cassian's thumb gently began tracing liens along his own, Jizabel's breath hitched in his throat – when Cassandra had touched him with these hands, his touch had been as cold as ice and just as sharp. Cassian's hand was warm. Soft. Suddenly, Jizabel wanted nothing more than to absorb that warmth and let it run up his arm and into the rest of his body, into his heart, into his soul…

"Jizabel…" Cassian whispered gently and Jizabel raised his eyes away from the bizarre sight of their hands and locked his gaze with Cassian's. The dark brown of his eyes seemed endless, an endless source of warmth. Jizabel no longer cared that Cassian was using his first name, no longer cared that he shouldn't be here, no longer cared that humans were all evil and untrustworthy…

"Jizabel?" Cassian asked. "Would you just…would you stay with me tonight?"

And Jizabel could do nothing except nod his head slowly and close his eyes in shame.

-x-

***cookie* you reached the end! The end of this almost killed me to write. I was getting all flustered from ****handholding.**** Big softy, me? ****Please drop me a line**** sweethearts, I want to know what you thought of this excruciatingly long chapter.**

**Final note form moi – shameless self promotion. My other Jizabel/Cassian fic ****Viulu**** is now back up and running. If you feel like more of me – I doubt you will – then check it out. It's less angsty and Jizabel is more bitchy. And if you can't get enough Jizabel for one night, ****I compiled a C2**** of all the Jizabel/Cassian fics I could find. Get to it from my profile ^^**

**Night night all!**

**Xx Sorryll**


	4. Crawling Blind

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And it's another long chapter! Not as long as number three but still fairly lengthy. I enjoyed writing this one a lot but I let Cassian decide where it was going and so…well, I hadn't planned for his feelings to be so messed up. Bless him.

**Huge thanks to everyone who has reviewed, added this to their favourites or even just read this so far (lurkers come and say hi!). I will try and update this soon!**

**Sorry Lyeless and Lockesilver, I tried to email you a draft but the email broke! Will send you next chappy I promise.**

**(oh and I know I make it sound like this chappy is going to be M rated…but it's not. Trust me, you're safe for now.)**

…**and with that waffley little note, off we go.**

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Four – Crawling Blind

The room was bathed in darkness, the candle having burnt out long ago and yet, Cassian had made no move to relight it. In fact, it took him almost an hour to realise the candle had burnt out at all. He had been too busy talking, staring into the middle distance and reaching back into memories long buried.

Jizabel had seen the candle snuff itself out but had remained silent. It didn't seem to matter. Even if he had been bothered he wouldn't have been able to say a word – he was frozen, now. They were still sitting in the attic room, backs against the wall. Although they rarely looked at one another, their hands remained clasped between them even after the cat had left Jizabel's lap to curl up on the mattress and sleep. With his hand still encased by Cassian's, Jizabel was unable to move. It felt to him as though moving would shatter everything; shatter the feeling of calm that had descended upon him as he listened to Cassian talk.

It had all started after Jizabel had agreed to stay. A silence had filled the room that was awkward and seemed unbreakable and so, desperately, Jizabel had said the first thing that came to mind.

"Why don't you talk about your childhood?" he had said, barely hearing the words as they left his lips. Cassian had cocked his head to one side thoughtfully and shrugged.

"Because nobody ever asks me to talk about it," he said simply, "And some things are better left unsaid. You understand that, surely?"

Jizabel paled a little at this, but ploughed on regardless. "But before Cassandra banished you from his estate, you brought the subject up of your own free will…why…" Jizabel stopped, not entirely sure of which question to ask. Cassian smiled.

"But I was talking to you then, doctor. And it was something you needed to hear."

"Well…" Jizabel shuffled his feet a little, hating feeling like he was intruding. He never thought twice of intruding normally and was still clinging onto the belief that being here with Cassian was a normal situation.

"Well, what?" Cassian asked gently, pressing Jizabel's hand so softly that it was barely noticeable.

"I think it's something I'd like to hear," Jizabel said simply, trying to be assertive and more like himself. "It can't have been all bad, surely?"

Cassian had smiled again and lowered his eyes to the wooden planks on the floor. He sighed. "No, I suppose it wasn't all bad. Not all bad at all."

It had been like a dam breaking. Once Cassian had begun talking, he found himself unable to stop and as he talked his eyes grew softer, gazing into the past. Jizabel had listened almost in wonder and detail after detail was presented to him. Cassian managed to completely avoid all talk of his mistreatment, all talk of his crimes and focussed instead on everything else that had made him who he was. He had spoken of his parents, before they had cast him out. How his mother was a small and soft lady, gently spoken and kind while his father was tall and assertive, not caring much for his son at all. He had explained how fascinated he was upon seeing the circus and pointedly left out how hurt he had felt at being left there. Jizabel learnt about the way he had first been taught the art of throwing knives and how he had become nervous and removed part of a gentleman's ear during his first performance. Cassian had later moved on to describe a few friends he had made before Delilah had recruited him and how he regretted leaving them behind, presuming they had been killed by now. The storied went on and on and Jizabel couldn't help but feel a little intimidated.

Jizabel had always assumed that Cassian was a creature raised and moulded by hate and pain, like himself. Now he could see that Cassian was instead made of all the little pleasures that had saved him from the pain, rather than the pain itself. Jizabel felt a little cheated and thought about leaving – there was nothing to bind them together now, no common ground…no. He knew it was a lie even as he thought it. And so he waited silently until Cassian ran out of words.

The silence that flowed back once Cassian had finished talking was as different from the first as it was possible to be. The air seemed filled with snatches of stories as though he was still speaking and Jizabel would have been happy to sit in that silence forever, absorbing all the emotions that he himself had never been able to experience. This time, it was Cassian that broke the silence.

"I didn't mean to go on for quite that long," he murmured, giving a weak smile. "Sorry. I'm a little sick of my own voice now."

Jizabel shook his head. "Don't apologise."

"Why not?" Cassian laughed. "I'm sure you must have fallen asleep, at least once."

Jizabel shook his head again and opened his mouth to explain but didn't know how to start. How could he possibly tell Cassian that although his stories had been happy, they were heartbreaking? That they had allowed Jizabel to realise that happiness could actually be respected? That his words had dispelled painful images of Cassian's childhood that Jizabel hadn't even known he had been holding? It was hopeless. Instead, he simply shook his head again and said, "No."

Glancing at the candle, Cassian suddenly stood and Jizabel felt instantly cold. He had forgotten all about the hand resting on his but now it was gone he felt a sense of loss, almost like losing an arm. This was ridiculous. He shook himself lightly and sat up a little straighter, deciding it was time to take control of himself again. How Alexis would laugh, if he could see his son now!

"You've been here for a long time now," Cassian said quietly, kneeling next to the candelabra and searching for matches. "I mean, it was midnight when we met at Westminster Abbey… and a few hours before you came here…you're going to need rest at some point." Jizabel opened his mouth to speak and was interrupted. "And don't tell me you can go without sleep because I know the sort of schedule that Alexis keeps you on."

Jizabel quietly glowered at Cassian while he fumbled in his pockets to search for matches, but couldn't deny that it was true. The sort of work Alexis had planned for tomorrow could not be done with a sleep deprived mind.

"What has he got you working on now, anyway?" Cassian asked, still searching his pockets.

"He's trying to improve the deadly dolls," Jizabel said simply as though this was nothing unusual. "He asked me to find out whether they could survive on anything other than human blood. We quickly ruled out the possibility of using anything that wasn't biological, and you can hardly power a corpse on plants….which leaves…"

"Wait," Cassian stopped searching for a moment and stared at Jizabel in horror. "He's not asking you to use…"

"Animal blood?" Jizabel said, suppressing a shudder and swiftly slipping his spectacles back into place in an effort to assert his superiority. "That is what he suggested yes."

"But why?" Cassian scowled. "He knows that you would never allow him to do that."

"The card master has always been very inventive when it comes to amusing himself at others expense," Jizabel shrugged. "But it doesn't matter. Zenopia and I have been experimenting with using other things such as human skin or hair. Nothing has worked so far but it's worth a try. I am due to be in the operating theatre at noon."

Cassian knelt on the floor by the crate, finally giving up on the search for matches. "Well, it has to be at least six in the morning now. You should sleep. _We_ should sleep."

Silently, Jizabel nodded and finally gave in. He listened quietly as Cassian fussed over sleeping arrangements. After a few minutes of rambling on Cassian's part, Jizabel lost his patience and moved to sit on the mattress, discarding his long coat on the way. He then turned his back to Cassian who had fallen silent and began removing his waistcoat.

* * *

Cassian didn't know what to say, which was a small blessing since his throat was sore from talking for so long. It was just so strange, seeing Jizabel acting so forward.

Then again, Cassian supposed it wasn't really strange at all. What had been strange was seeing the doctor silently listening, looking meek and childlike. What had been strange was the softness of his hand and the way it would tremble slightly every now and then, as though Jizabel was unsure whether he should be pulling away. All of that had been strange but…strangely _right_. Cassian wondered whether he had been allowed to see the real doctor, the real Jizabel as he would have been had he been alone. Seeing him revert now to his controlling attitude was a little painful, harsh almost.

While Cassian had been thinking, Jizabel had discarded the waistcoat and laid it neatly out on the floor. He was now briskly unbuttoning his shirt and Cassian realised he must look foolish, standing and staring. He hurriedly began removing his own layers of clothing trying to act as businesslike as possible. He moved to sit on the other side of the mattress, back to back with Jizabel and so he felt the movement of the doctors shirt as it was removed and gently deposited along with his other garments. He went still. There was a moment of silence as neither of them moved and then, obeying some inner voice that refused to be quiet, Cassian turned his head to look.

He was…beautiful. Cassian knew that everyone seemed to use that word of Jizabel, hell, even _Cassandra_ had used it but Cassian could think of nothing else that would suffice. Now that morning had arrived, a small amount of light was being let into the room through holes in the badly kept ceiling. It was a shade of blue, the light, almost grey; the strange half-light that swallows the world just before the sun appears over the horizon. Everything in the attic room was cast in shades of grey. Under this light, Jizabel's hair seemed to glow, the colour of the light itself. The doctor flicked his head slightly in a practiced movement and the long tresses seemed to ripple like water as they came loose from the knot that had been restraining them. Cassian felt his hands twitch but couldn't draw his eyes away. There was a click as Jizabel placed his spectacles on the floor once again and Cassian caught a brief glimpse of one side of his gentle features; long eyelashes resting against pale skin. His skin was indescribable in that moment. Under the light it appeared flawless, soft, begging to be caressed. Cassian bit his lip – the scars the ran down Jizabel's back were testament to the fact that it _had_ been caressed, but by the card masters whip.

Cassian turned himself so that he was half facing Jizabel, shirt unbuttoned, while the doctor remained stoically facing the wall. Cassian raised his hand. It was trembling as he reached out and gently, ever so softly traced a line down one single scar with his finger. Jizabel seemed to freeze for a moment and then he visibly shivered at the contact. Abandoning all of his common sense, Cassian continued to trace the scars slowly, one by one and to his surprise Jizabel said nothing, did nothing. Eventually, there were no more scars to trace. Except…there was one, different from the others. A line of scar tissue that was thicker than the others ran around from Jizabel's lower back to his stomach. The line was slightly crooked and deeper in some places than others. It was also darker, fresher.

Cassian removed his hands as though burnt. This scar had not been caused by a whip. The silence suddenly seemed to ring in his eyes and his mouth went dry. He didn't know what he could possibly say.

"Cassian?" Jizabel's voice was quiet but not afraid, not angry and not ashamed. This gave Cassian the strength to ask.

"What caused this wound?" he asked, his voice much louder than he had wanted it to be. "I can tell it wasn't caused by a whipping. What has that bastard done to you now? If he-"

"I did it," Jizabel whispered. "So if you're going to be angry at anyone, be angry at me."

Cassian opened and shut his mouth a few times, unsure of how to answer. He was trembling all over now from a mix of shock, fear, rage and something he didn't want to put a name to but knew very well was an emotion he shouldn't have been feeling.

"Are you feeling well Cassian?" Jizabel turned around suddenly and grabbed Cassian's still raised hand in his own. His eyes were shining and his lips were set in a thin line. The pale expanse of his chest stretched out as he turned and Cassian fought the urge to move away before he did something ridiculous. "You're trembling," Jizabel continued.

"I…" Cassian shook his head and lowered his eyes in shame. "I'm fine. I was just a little shocked. I hate the fact that in the short time I was gone you felt like hurting yourself."

"Felt like?" Jizabel smiled weakly and let Cassian's hand drop. "Well, we'll see about that. And anyway, Cassian, if you want to lecture me about the way I treat my own body then you should provide me with an explanation of _this_ first."

As he spoke, Jizabel raised a slender hand and gently traced a line over Cassian's hip bone. Cassian froze. He had forgotten. Memory of the pain too recent to be forgotten flashed across his mind and he saw himself, crouched in the corner of this attic, knife clasped in his hand, blood cooling on the floor…

"Those marks are familiar," Jizabel said quietly and pushed Cassian's shirt back so that it fell away from him. Cold fingers began tracing lines once again. "I have seen them before and yet before I know they were on a body much smaller." He leant back but Cassian did not yet dare to meet his gaze. "You recreated your scars," Jizabel said gently. "Why?"

"Because I was scared," Cassian said blankly. "I said before. Do you know how terrifying it is to wake up and realise you're in someone else's body? I…I did it on the third day. I wanted to look more like myself and the scars were the only thing that was in my power to create."

Jizabel laid a hand gently on Cassian's arm and when Cassian finally raised his eyes, Jizabel lowered his own.

"I'm sorry, Cassian."

"So am I," he said quickly, realising that an apology from Jizabel was extremely rare. He sighed a little and then pulled back the blanket on the small mattress, allowing Jizabel to climb under the blanket. Cassian followed himself and was glad when Jizabel turned away to face the wall. Silence descended upon the room and Cassian became very aware of his breathing and of the alien sounds of someone else next to him. Soft breathing, Rustling as he moved. Even his heartbeat at this distance. Combined it was like some strange melody and Cassian let himself forget how strange this situation was and forget that this shouldn't be happening at all.

He was sharing a bed with his ex-superior, a known murderer with no regrets about taking life, someone who had been abused as a child and was still abused as an adult, someone who had been given the title of 'Death'…and yet, Cassian knew he would never choose to sleep beside anyone else.

* * *

Jizabel wondered whether Cassian was asleep but assumed he was still awake since his breathing was a little irregular. He felt…shaken. Confused. His mind was plagued by emotions he had no name for and as much as he was trying to deny it, he felt more comfortable here than he had ever felt anywhere else.

That is, until he felt Cassian lay a hand on his shoulder. He said nothing but Jizabel was suddenly aware of how much of himself Cassian had revealed that night, how open he had been. Jizabel thought briefly of how powerful this made him but hated himself for it. He was filled with the sudden, pressing need to give something back…and there was only one thing he could think of.

"I opened the wound in my side," he said softly, speaking into the darkness. He felt Cassian tense beside him. "But I didn't do it because of despair. I know that's what you were thinking. But you see, I had no _choice_."

"What do you mean?" Cassian murmured, sounding half asleep.

"He didn't give me any choice."

"_Who?"_

The anger that was now lacing Cassian's voice was enough to force Jizabel into answering, and as he did so he shut his eyes.

"Cassandra. Cassandra gave me no other way to escape."

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**Thankee kindly for your time *curtseys* I hope you liked my little rant about Cassian's past – I really am considering turning it into a mini-story. Maybe. We'll see.**

**The next chapter will be M rated ****to warn you now. I will warn again in the chapter itself. You have been warned!**

**Oh and the Jizabel/Cassian invasion marches on ^^ Feel like joining? Hm? **


	5. Spilling Blood

**THIS CHAPTER IS M RATED – DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED BY SEXUAL SITUATIONS/NON-CON/CASSANDRA'S NASTINESS. – it isn't particularly graphic but a warning is needed. If you don't wish to read the M rated section, scroll right down until you see the second –x- and the sentence starting 'in the attic room…'**

**And here it is! Sorry for the wait. Thanks to everyone reviewing, I love you all. This chapter dedicated to SunilaMoon, mainly because I know how much she loves Cassandra being nasty.**

**A few notes about this chapter:**

**I would like to apologise to anyone who remembers something I wrote in chapter one – about Cassandra being obscene, Cassian seeing and Jizabel running away? It was only a sentence but if you DO remember that, forget it. I hadn't planned at all when I wrote that and it doesn't fit anymore SO I will go back and edit it later. Thankee.**

**Cassandra uses a lot of italics in his speech. I know – I imagined him as sounding really sleazy and overly posh when he spoke. So…italics.**

**I really hope you like this…monstrosity. The second half is the best. In my opinion, anyway. Please r&r yah? xx**

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Spilling Blood

It was terrifying.

Jizabel related his story in a monotone, his voice void of emotion, each word precisely enunciated and utterly heartless. No detail was left unsaid; Cassian's feelings were ignored as the story was told exactly how it had happened. It was painful for him to hear but he couldn't bring himself to ask the doctor to stop. And so he sat silently, knuckles turning white as his hands balled themselves into fists.

The worst part of it all was that it could have been his fault.

-x-

"Leave!" Cassandra's voice was pure anger, lancing through the air like a knife. "Never return to my castle again!"

Jizabel turned his eyes away as Cassandra's immaculately polished boot was driven further into Cassian's pale face – pale with rage, not with fear. This was why Jizabel had to turn away. He wasn't used to anyone being angry on his behalf. He heard the shuffling of clothes against the floor and the gentle sound of Cassandra setting his foot back down neatly. He could see movement from the corner of his eye, a quick, dark blur that was Cassian fleeing the room. Jizabel hoped he would stay away. It was far better hat way. If he was away from here then he could no longer speak those words that hurt so deeply, words that cut through him to the very core.

It was unlike Jizabel to be moved by another's sorrow, and this only served to heighten his distress. So Cassian cared about him? Jizabel fervently wished that this wasn't true. He didn't want to be obligated into caring for anyone, didn't even know if he still had the ability to-

"What is with that terrifying look, Jizabel?" Cassandra had closed the door behind Cassian and stepped quietly back into the room until he was standing by the chaise-lounge. He was leaning against one end idly, arms crossed before him – a very picture of decadence and luxury…until Jizabel's eyes reached his face. Cassandra was smirking and there was a glint in his eye that Jizabel was afraid of.

He dragged his mind back towards the question and coughed politely. "What look?"

Cassandra laughed, the laughter bubbling out of his throat. "_That_ look. You've had it ever since that little insect that you call an assistant began speaking to you. Whatever did he say to upset you?"

"Nothing," Jizabel said quickly. "You must be seeing things."

"I don't think so," Cassandra said smoothly, pushing himself back into an upright position and stepping towards Jizabel, his features now completely serious. "Did his little story upset you?"

"Of course not." _More that I would have imagined,_ his inner voice supplied.

"Do you really think he would be able to save you?"

"No." _No one could save me…_

"Do you really think he _wants_ to save you?"

"It doesn't matter." _More than anyone else has before._

"Oh come on Jizabel, _something_ has rattled you. I can tell." Cassandra smirked. "You look positively _vulnerable_."

"I'm fine," Jizabel lied, meeting Cassandra's icy gaze stoically. He wasn't going to give any ground to him. That is, until he next spoke.

"Was it the mention of your father that made you feel this way?" Cassandra asked, chuckling as Jizabel flinched, "Or was it because Cassian looks so much like your dear brother Cain?"

As he spoke, Cassandra moved to stand to Jizabel's left and slightly behind him, slowly bringing a large hand to rest upon the doctor's shoulder, letting his other hand tangle in Jizabel's hair and bringing his mouth closer to his ear. Jizabel tensed and then froze, not knowing what to do.

"Ah," Cassandra whispered, mistaking Jizabel's unease, "So that is the reason. You know, I was always sure that the card master had chosen that _man_ to be your assistant because of his resemblance to your brother. He always liked to hurt you, didn't he?"

Cassandra's hands began to move downwards until both were gently resting on Jizabel's hips, his head almost buried in the doctors shoulder.

"Then again," Cassandra continued, "You don't seem to mind it when he hurts you. In fact, I rather think you secretly _enjoy_ being treated that way, don't you Jizabel? There's nothing you like more than exposing yourself and letting someone…" His hand darted under Jizabel's clothing to run ice-cold fingertips over his scars. "…make their mark…is there?" he finished with a smirk.

Jizabel stayed motionless, willing himself not to shudder, not to run away although every fibre of his being cried out to be rid of this monster. He realised that no matter what Cassandra thought, that seeing into Jizabel's soul hadn't helped him to understand his torment whatsoever. Jizabel didn't enjoy the pain. How could anyone enjoy being treated in such a way? It was just that his emotional pain as so constant, so jagged that being whipped was almost a reprieve. It allowed him to focus on pain that would stop, marks that would heal. It was a displacement – and here Cassandra believed it was a fetish.

Jizabel remained motionless as Cassandra removed his layers of clothing until he was standing shirtless, laid bare. Cassandra stepped forward to move in front of Jizabel and admire his handiwork. Smiling, he removed his own layers until he too was shirtless. Jizabel was staring into the middle distance, seeing nothing, feeling less…until Cassandra stepped forward and removed the doctors glasses, and then began to speak.

"Would you like me to hurt you, Jizabel?" he asked, voice low and dangerous. Despite the bubble of rage that rose up inside him, Jizabel kept his silence.

"If you say anything, anything at all, it will mean a no," Cassandra continued, a sadistic grin breaking out on his face. "All you have to do is say the word."

Perhaps he didn't understand Jizabel after all. Jizabel didn't want this, could see exactly what was coming and hated the idea with every particle of his being and yet…what would he say? 'No'? 'Don't do it?' _'Please?'_ No. Jizabel could never bring himself to say any of these things. He had never pleaded with his father and he would _never_ plead with a creature such as Cassandra.

The next few minutes were a blur as Jizabel shut himself off from the world. He was dimly aware of the coldness of the room as his clothes were discarded and left on the floor. He was aware of the coldness of Cassandra's hands as they traced lines over his body. He was also aware of the heat of Cassandra's tongue as it did much the same thing as his hands. He could hear fast breathing, knowing it wasn't his own. All of this was fairly easy to shut out – Jizabel had been in situations like this before. As a younger man, he had known his fair share of street whores in the search of some deeper meaning behind physical pleasure. Physical sensation had meant nothing to him there and meant nothing to him here either. It was all ridiculously easy to ignore.

That is, until Cassandra reached for the Scavenger's Daughter. He let his hand rest on it, while looking up at Jizabel.

"Once again, Jizabel," he murmured, voice lower than before, eyes slightly glazed. "Any word will mean a no."

This gave Jizabel an escape route at least.

"That is not to be used unless you win our bet," Jizabel said matter-of-factly, able to keep a tremor out of his voice. Cassandra sighed and left the implement be; but now seemed full of zeal. In one swift movement, he had bent Jizabel over the end of the chaise-lounge. His breathing was heavy and hot on the skin of Jizabel's neck, exposed now as his hair swung forward. He was very aware of the horrible pastel green of the fabric before him, the way it scratched his hands and elbows. Carefully, Jizabel kept his chest from touching the fabric.

Cassandra murmured something that Jizabel didn't catch and cold hands snaked their way around his waist to hold him in place. Cassandra moved forwards, there was a sudden warmth of skin colliding with skin and the first jolt of pain -

And then Jizabel shut out the world entirely.

This doesn't mean he didn't feel anything. He felt every thrust, every drop of sweat that fell from Cassandra's body to his. The pain was excruciating, sharp but not unbearable, no for Jizabel. He could hear Cassandra murmuring incoherent phrases, his breath hitching. Jizabel remained lifeless in his arms, only moving when Cassandra's movement threatened to end him falling onto the chaise-lounge. Jizabel thought of the fabric, only of the fabric…and of the pain. It could have been anything hurting him.

Cassandra had started to quicken his pace, fingernails digging painfully into Jizabel's flesh. Jizabel supposed this made a change for Cassandra – after all, he was used to younger bodies than Jizabel's. He was also used to the receiver of his administrations feeling no pleasure whatsoever so Jizabel's lack of communication was of no deterrence.

Jizabel sighed, settled on the fact that this wouldn't last much longer. Cassandra would finish indulging himself and then leave and then Jizabel could head back to Delilah to apologise to-

"Cassian." Cassandra said, voice almost clear. "Is he why… you're so…distant from me…right now?"

Jizabel tensed, eyes slamming wide open. He opened his mouth to speak but found no words.

"Tell me, Jizabel," Cassandra licked a wet line along Jizabel's neck, and slowed his pace so that he could speak properly. "Are you thinking of him? You can tell me. If you ever need another boy, I have plenty for you. Only for you."

Jizabel screwed his eyes shut and bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. He could block out the pain but he could not now stop the torrent of vile images that poured into his head. Cassandra was truly a monster. It was all Jizabel could do to keep from screaming as Cassandra carried on speaking, relating many stories of his conquests, his crimes, his defilements….Jizabel couldn't stand to think of Cassian that way. After all he had said earlier, it felt like sacrilege to even let Cassandra think about it.

Cassandra had quickened the pace of his thrusts again and Jizabel felt as though his insides were burning, as though they were going to tear apart. But nothing hurt him as much as the words. Cassandra spoke longingly of boys he had disposed of, of the boy now in his care, the one confined and dressed as a girl…his voice grew deeper, his words became more slurred and it was clear that the more he thought of these vile things, the more he enjoyed himself.

Jizabel didn't dare open his eyes. The more Cassandra spoke, the more he felt the pain, the more he felt like he was betraying some part of himself that he never acknowledged – Jizabel wasn't a nice man, he knew that. But he also knew he would never be as twisted as Cassandra.

Not being able to bear the words any longer, Jizabel wished fervently for Cassandra to finish. Blindly, he reached out towards the edge of he chaise-lounge where his trousers had been hung and managed to reach into his pocket. His fingers closed over the familiar, comforting shape of his scalpel. Before Cassandra could work out what was going on, Jizabel had freed his hand from his pocket and slashed it downwards, scoring a deep gash into his side and around to his hip. Pain blossomed within him but it was pain that he could control, that could shut out Cassandra's hellish mutterings…

Blood ran freely from the wound, dotting the green fabric red. The blood ran over Cassandra's hand that was grasping Jizabel's hip, the warm liquid covering his fingers and making the skin slippery…and Cassandra suddenly cried out, shuddering.

Jizabel closed his eyes and waited until the tremors coming from Cassandra had subsided before finally letting the muscles in his elbows relax. He fell forward onto the now wet fabric, slimy with sweat and with blood. Cassandra slowly left a trail of kisses alone Jizabel's back and then pulled away from him. Jizabel screwed his eyes shut again and desperately ignored the sensation.

Within a few minutes, Cassandra had dressed, cleaning his blood-stained hand on Jizabel's clothing while the doctor remained slumped, half on the floor. He headed towards the door and then paused, one hand on the doorknob.

"Thank you, Jizabel," he said, voice husky and slightly amused. "This has been an entertaining diversion." He glanced down at the blood now pooling on the floor and smiled. "With tricks like that, I can see why Cassian was s keen to take you away from me. You can let yourself out."

With that, Cassandra, the violator of untold number, the demon in human form left the room, having claimed another victim.

And Jizabel did exactly as he was told.

-x-

In the attic room, Cassian was trembling with rage. Jizabel had remained facing the wall while relating his story and this only angered Cassian all the more. It had been his fault. If he hadn't said those words, if he hadn't left Jizabel feeling that way then…

_Cassandra_. Cassian propped himself up on one elbow behind Jizabel who was now lying motionless and glared hatefully at his own hands. He thought about a few minutes before, about how he had touched Jizabel's scars. He shuddered. All this time he had been having nightmares about what Cassandra had desired to do to Jizabel, never knowing that they had already had their satisfaction

His hands were shaking as he held them out before him. Before he knew it, Cassian was speaking, more to himself that to Jizabel who seemed strangely inhuman now, skin so pale as to appear like ice.

"I'm sorry," he said, voice shaking. "I'm sorry that I let him do that to you. I'm sorry that I made you tell me and remember all that. I'm sorry that…that…"

Jizabel finally turned over to face him then. His eyes were shining but there were no tears there. Lips set in a firm line, Jizabel betrayed very little emotion. Cassian wondered if this was how he had looked at Cassandra before being…being…

Cassian felt as though his fingertips were burning. How had he ever dared to touch Jizabel so gently with the same fingers that had violated him without mercy, that had been stained red with his blood and felt nothing but ecstasy?

"Why are you sorry, Cassian?" Jizabel's voice, which had been so strong before was suddenly very quiet.

"Because it was my fault," Cassian said quietly, hands still stretched out before him.

What happened next happened so suddenly that Cassian was almost afraid. As if seized by some sudden fever, Jizabel rolled completely over and grabbed Cassian's hands between his own. His eyes wide open and fixed intently upon Cassian's own, Jizabel raised each of Cassian's fingers to his lips in turn and laid a gentle kiss on the fingertips. His lips were warm and trembled slightly, as did the grip he had on Cassian's hands. Once he had finished with the fingers, Jizabel then nuzzled his hand instinctively against Cassian's palm, eyes closing and a small sigh escaping his lips. His skin was smooth and despite everything, Cassian couldn't stop himself from running a thumb gently over Jizabel's cheek.

They froze like that for a few seconds, each as surprised as the other. Cassian became aware that his breathing had quickened and could feel Jizabel's shallow breaths against his palm. His heartbeat quickened and he realised dimly that Jizabel was showing more emotion now than he had with Cassandra. At this thought, it was as though a dam was breaking somewhere inside him and Cassian had to break the silence lest the emotion swallowed him whole.

"Jizabel…"he said softly.

He doctor's eyes slammed open and he quickly released his grip on Cassian's hands, turning and starting to move his legs in a way that meant he was going to leaved. Seized with a sudden fear of being alone, Cassian took hold of Jizabel's shoulders and held him still. He had moved forward in order to do this and realised now that they were virtually pressed against each other. Jizabel's skin radiated heat and a slight blush was colouring his cheeks. Cassian was surprised and worried that he might have offended him somehow.

"Jizabel, look at me," he commanded. The younger mans hair had fallen forward and brushed against Cassian's skin as he slowly lifted his head. His eyes were wide, fearful. The look as alien to him and Cassian moved his arms slightly, releasing their tight grip and letting them circle around Jizabel's shoulders almost protectively.

"Cassian…" he whispered, "I…"

"You've done nothing wrong," Cassian said firmly. Jizabel began to drop his eyes again and so Cassian dipped his head forwards to sustain eye contact. Dark brown hair moved softly against pale strands as he moved. He could feel Jizabel's breath again, this time on his face. Cassian felt a thrill race through him and yet didn't dare name it, even to himself. He shivered slightly.

Jizabel looked up again at this slight movement, his own hands moving slowly up t rest against Cassian's chest. His eyes were blazing with intensity and Cassian became all too aware that his lips were mere inches from his own and that they had been warm against his fingertips, that they trembled now at his proximity but had never done so for Cassandra, not when someone else was looking out through these eyes.

"Jizabel, I…"

With a sudden burst of fear, Cassian pulled sharply away and turned over, laying himself down as quickly as possible and trying to force images from his mind. Images of committing a sin he had never dreamed himself capable of but now it had entered his mind it seemed impossible to abstain from it.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to stop wondering what Jizabel's lips would have tasted like.

After a few moments, there was sudden warmth behind him. Jizabel had lain back down and curled himself around Cassian's form, sighing as he did so. Cassian froze but in a few minutes, it was clear the doctor had fallen asleep. Although he knew that being close to Jizabel like this should never feel so good, so safe, Cassian closed his eyes once again and let sleep enfold him.

And this time, his dreams were free from nightmares of violation and filled only with a vague sense of longing.

This is why it was painful to awake the next morning and find the bed empty, the room cold. Jizabel's clothes had vanished and so Cassian had walked downstairs in a kind of daze, a thousand questions whirling around in his mind…

That was when the landlady appeared and handed him a note, from 'that nice doctor Hathaway.'

It was short and read simply:

_I think it would be safer for us both if we were to never see one another again._

* * *

**I know the ending is lame, but who would I be if I didn't leave you with a cliffie? Next chapter contains Jizabel angst, arsonist abuse and some bravery from Cassian. Review his chapter and it will come sooner!**

**..Sorryll, resorting to bribery. Love to all!**


	6. Crucify Me

**Note from Sorryll:**

**Merry Christmas!** I am terribly sorry that I was gone for so long. That nasty little thing called 'coursework' has been eating me and soon that other beat named 'exams' will take its place.

But, this is my Christmas present to all of you. This chapter is 4000 words (ish) possibly the longest yet. And more than that…it was the hardest but most enjoyable to write so far. It contains people besides Cassian & Jizabel. And…I do believe it's the turning point for this story. **Time for some action**.

Oh and within this chapter can be found the meaning behind the title – at least, part of the meaning. 

**This chapter is rated M because of violence. It contains torture – nothing horrendous, normal Godchild level violence. Don't read if this will upset you – but if you read Godchild, then I doubt very much this will faze you at all.**

* * *

Crucify Me With Your Smile

_And you take me by the hand,_

_You lead me down_

_Like a sacrificial lamb._

_I'm begging you, please don't bleed me_

_Like a fly in the web_

_Just consume me. _

Jizabel slammed the door of his study shut and ripped the black coat off, throwing it onto the floor. He glared at it hatefully, simply because he could think of nothing else to glare at. His clothes felt damp, smelt musty; they had absorbed the atmosphere of the attic room during the night and Jizabel was seized with the need to eradicate the smell entirely, as if by doing so he could eradicate all the emotions too.

What had happened to him?

He stood utterly still, seeing nothing with his eyes. His mind was full of images. Cassian. The look in his eyes as Jizabel had kissed his fingertips. The fear that for a moment had swallowed his features before he had turned away. These images spun around and around in Jizabel's mind until the room before him began to seem like a dream. He was transported back to the attic room. And it was not simply visions that haunted him. All of his senses were being assaulted by memory. His ears were full of the soft sound of Cassian's breathing and the quiet yet devastating sound of his erratic heartbeat. Jizabel could still smell his skin, could still taste Cassian's fingertips. And, more than anything, he could still feel the warmth of the sleeping body that had lain next to his own.

Jizabel had fallen asleep surprisingly easy after curling himself around Cassian. The bare skin of his back had been warm against Jizabel's chest, obliterating any other sensation. Jizabel could not remember another incident in his life when he had lain skin to skin with another person – the body he had fallen upon hardly counted. He had thought of the body as warm then but it was ice cold when held against Cassian. The heat had been indescribable. Heavenly. Jizabel had been able to wrap himself in it and forget everything except the living person beside him. For the first time Jizabel had found pleasure through physical contact.

He was vaguely aware that this was a sin. He had never even thought about the sin of being with another of his own gender. This was mainly because he had never truly felt about _being with_ anyone – his encounters with street whores had contained no feeling from either party and so could hardly have counted. Cassandra had been the one sinning during the encounter on the chaise-lounge. On top of all this, Jizabel was far more aware of _other_ sins than something so trivial – taking life, deception…the list went on and Jizabel knew he was guilty of them all. To him, finding pleasure in the warmth of Cassian's body had not felt sinful at all.

But perhaps this was why the dream had visited him. To remind him of his wrongdoings. During his sleep, Jizabel had been visited by a memory that he had forgotten entirely. He saw himself as a young boy, fast asleep and curled around the sleeping body of a lamb. Snark. Snark had been warm, and the peace he had felt then was he same as the one he had felt beside Cassian. He had awoken in a cold sweat and rolled away from Cassian, dressing hurriedly and rushing to the door. Hand on the doorknob he had turned back and glanced at the older man. Cassian was curled on his side, face hidden below the covers, hair tousled. Jizabel closed his eyes and left the room noiselessly.

The meaning of the dream was all too clear to him. He had allowed himself to become close to Snark and had then been brutally punished for such feelings – at least, that is how his younger self had perceived it. He never wanted that to happen between himself and Cassian, didn't want to be ripped away from the warmth. He would rather leave, take control and hopefully spare Cassian from the same fate as the lamb.

Trying desperately to forget all of this, Jizabel turned smartly around and left the room. It was noon and he was needed in surgery. He prayed that he could bury himself in science and focus on facts, rather than half formed emotions that had fled with the light of day.

-x-

Cassian sat at the small kitchen table, goose bumps rising on his bare flesh. He clutched onto the note with enough forced to damage the paper, as though he could bring Jizabel back through thought alone.

Mrs Hardigan sat silently before him, unsure of what to say. Since her husband had died she had thought of herself as a sort of expert on male behaviour but had no idea what Cassian was feeling as he stared at the paper. She had withheld comments about his appearance and about the rudeness of sitting shirtless at a widow's table because Cassian was a good tenant and a kind young man. Pointedly no staring at his scars, she only wished she could erase the look in his eyes – he looked lost and utterly betrayed. Her lined hands clasped in her lap, she smiled at him reassuringly.

"Should I 'ave stopped 'im from leavin', then?" she asked gently.

"No," Cassian said quickly, eyes downcast. "No, that's fine. You weren't to know. When did he leave?"

"Oh, not too long ago," she answered. "'e came down a few hours ago but didn' seem to want to lave, if you get my drift. I reckons 'e was waitin' for you to get up. But by about 'alf-eleven 'e said 'e 'ad to go and off 'e went." She sat back and smiled. "An impressive man, that nice Doctor Hathaway."

Cassian couldn't help but smile – Mrs Hardigan's speech was usually as common as could be but when pronouncing 'Hathaway' she took special effort to pronounce the 'h'. Jizabel must have impressed her a lot. He felt a wrenching in his chest as he imagined Jizabel sitting here, in this very seat, waiting for him to awake. Cassian cursed himself for not waking sooner.

"Yes, he is impressive," Cassian said vaguely and then blushed deeply. He was sure Mrs Hardigan wouldn't sense a double meaning in that sentence, but after the night before Cassian was acutely aware of it. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw Jizabel stretched out next to him, felt the warmth and softness of his skin. Some extremely peaceful emotion had filled Cassian during the night and he was sure that Jizabel had felt it too…so why the note? _I think it would be safer for us both if we were to never see one another again. _Safer? Before he had been able to see Jizabel the night before, Cassian had felt as though he was losing his mind. The thought of never seeing the doctor again filled him with a sense of hopelessness, almost bereavement. Although…he could see Jizabel's reasoning. Hadn't Cassian been the one to pull away from fear? But why had he been afraid? He was certain that if he _had_ leant forward he would have met with no resistance from Jizabel. Just this thought was enough to send shivers through him, even sitting at the table.

Cassian stood suddenly, note falling to the floor. _No_, he though angrily, _I won't allow myself to give up on this because I'm afraid of sinning. We've both sinned plenty in the past and something this…this…_

"No," he said angrily, forgetting he was in company. "I won't allow him to run from this because he's afraid. I'm not going to give up something because he tells me to. We've both sinned plenty in the past, why should one more offence make a difference? Something this…this…something like this shouldn't be ignored."

He glanced down at Mrs Hardigan who was simply staring at him in shock and blushed slightly. "I'm sorry Mrs Hardigan but I need to leave. I don't know when I'll be back. If someone comes looking for me, tell them you have never hard of me."

"What if Mr Hathaway comes knocking?" she asked slyly.

"Tell him to wait for me here," Cassian answered and then ran back up the stairs to the attic room. He returned a minute later fully dressed, hair and eyes wild. He smiled at Mrs Hardigan and then dashed out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

The widow stared at the door for a few minutes after he had left. Once she had gathered her thoughts, she smiled knowingly and glanced at a portrait of her husband that hung on the wall.

"Good luck, my boy," she said quietly, "Lor' knows you're gonna be needin' it."

-x-

"Jizabel?"

The doctor turned away from the mirror that hung on the wall of the surgery and turned his blank stare upon Zenopia. The old man was wringing his hands nervously, surgical gloves squeaking as he did so.

"Yes?" Jizabel answered, voice flat.

"Is anything the matter?" Zenopia asked timidly, almost dancing on the spot with nervousness. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Jizabel was silent for a few moments, wondering if Zenopia knew how dangerous he could be today. "Why do you ask?" he said at length.

"It's just you've been staring at your reflection for the past ten minutes. I was wondering if…if you felt unwell. Wouldn't want to have you performing surgery while feeling ill!" Zenopia beamed at him, obviously proud of this story. For another few moments, Jizabel regarded him dispassionately and then something within him crumbled. He sighed.

"I feel physically fine."

"Emotionally?"

"Not quite as well as I would like, no."

"Well then…would you like to talk about it?" Zenopia smiled encouragingly and Jizabel frowned.

"Could I trust you?" Jizabel asked. Zenopia nodded.

"Of course! Between you and me, Jizabel, I think I'm the only one here you _can_ trust now Cassian has gone."

"But why?" Jizabel asked again, confused. Nobody at Delilah was trustworthy and he had never seen Zenopia as the caring type.

"Because you are a man of science!" Zenopia declared happily. "And that my dear boy is far more important than any nonsense about rank."

Jizabel almost smiled. Strange. He had always known that Zenopia was eccentric but foolish? Jizabel wouldn't hesitate about spilling any secrets that Zenopia trusted him with but the old fool was prepared to trust in a love of _science_ to bind them together? It was laughable. Pitiable. But…tempting nonetheless. Before he knew what he was doing, Jizabel had quite shocked himself by answering.

"I received a letter from Cassian."

Zenopia's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh! How marvellous! And how is our latest experiment doing? Have you seen him?"

"Yes," Jizabel said quietly, looking away. "I've…seen him. He was…unhappy. Worried. Delusional. He believed that our dearly departed Cassandra was possessing him."

Zenopia frowned. "Really? How fascinating. It must be hard for him. I think everyone could see the hate between the two…who are now one." He laughed at himself. "Did you help him?"

Jizabel shrugged. "Perhaps."

"How?"

Jizabel opened his mouth to speak but was silenced by a bark of laughter from the surgery door. Alexis was standing framed in the doorway, eyes narrowed, mouth set in a cruel line. Jizabel froze and shivered while Zenopia paled.

"How did Jizabel _comfort_ him?" Alexis asked, smiling. "What an appropriate question." He brought his hand out of his pocket and held up Cassian's note, the one that Jizabel had so foolishly left on the surgery floor the previous evening. "Welcome home, Jizabel. I hear that you didn't return to us until quite recently. So, as a _man of science_ did you offer him an explanation?" Alexis narrowed his eyes. "Or did you offer him your body?"

-x-

Cassian rushed through the streets of London, forgetting to conceal his face and causing more than a few people to widen their eyes in surprise. A few cries of 'Lord Gladstone!' echoed after him but he ignored them all. Let them believe that Cassandra was ruined and hiding in the back streets. He would rather the people saw him than Delilah and yet, Delilah was where he was headed.

It was all painfully clear in his mind now. The tangled web of emotions that he had been fighting with for weeks was now spread before him in all its fragile beauty. And at the centre of this web was Jizabel. Cassian no longer wished to hide from his emotions. He had been hiding for too long, ever since the woman at the circus had betrayed him. Strange that he was certain Jizabel would never betray him – abandon him, misunderstand him, confuse him…but never betray him like that. Never. It was easy to see now that they needed each other. Jizabel needed him to relax around, to accept him for what he was. Cassian needed Jizabel because he needed someone to protect, and wanted him for all the things that made Jizabel the man he was. His innocence, wrapped in layers of cruelty. His brutal honesty, balanced by his amazing capacity to lie. And beneath it all the sheer beauty of a soul that had been born into the world as an angel, struggling not to lose its halo despite all the horrors being thrown at it.

So Cassian ran as fast as he could. He couldn't let Jizabel retreat, _wouldn't _let him. True, it was dangerous for them both even talking to one another – Cassian's mind refused to entertain other possibilities – but it was a risk worth taking, if it could free them both from the path they were walking. Cassian had always wanted to set Jizabel free and now he had realised how.

"Hey, watch where you're running, little one!"

Cassian tried to slow down but it was too late – he tripped over the person before him and rolled on the cobbles of the street. Cassian struggled to his knees and turned around to see a young man wearing a wide brimmed hat and a flamboyant coat with tails – and that was when it hit him.

_Little one._

Cassian had been called that so many times in the past it hadn't even registered that the comment was out of place. He looked up into a face that he had only seen once before, a face that was grinning with eyes full of malice.

"You…" Cassian murmured, breathless from the running and the fall.

"Me," the arsonist said smugly. "So glad you recognised me, Cassian. And where might you be hurrying this fine morning?"

"That's none of your damn business," Cassian growled.

"Oh, really? Because, if I'm not mistaken – and I might be – I do believe you're chasing after the doctor, like a good little dog. Only, unlike a _good_ dog you're running late."

"What do you mean?" Cassian asked, suddenly feeling cold.

"He knows," the arsonist replied, smiling. "The Card Master. Should have chosen your deliveryman more carefully, eh pup? I should think that he has found Death by now, and – hey! Where are you going!" Cassian had jumped to his feet and was already running away from the arsonist, who stamped his foot childishly. "I wasn't finished!"

Darting into a side alley so that his route would be hard for his replacement to work out, Cassian bit his lip in earnest, drawing blood as he ran. Jizabel was in trouble. Alexis had found out. What on earth was he going to do?

_I won't allow anyone to hurt you because of me again,_ he thought desperately and pushed forwards until his muscles were screaming at him in protest.

-x-

The only sounds in the room was that of leather connecting with flesh and the soft dripping of blood as it ran in rivulets from the wounds.

Jizabel felt strangely peaceful. The past few days had been full of confusion and uncertainty. It was hard to feel confused about this. He had angered his father and now he was being punished for it. The important thing to remember was that _it meant nothing_. He wouldn't give in to Alexis by making a sound., which also meant that he had to disobey him even more.

"If you don't answer me soon Jizabel, I'm afraid that I will have to resort to something more serious."

Jizabel remained silent. The whip sailed through the air and slashed into him once more.

"What did you do with him?"

The air sang with the sound of leather cutting through. More pain, more blood. Silence.

"Okay, let's make this simpler. You an answer 'yes' or 'no'. Did you commit the sin of sodomy?"

Jizabel remained silent but as the whip fell on him again, he couldn't block out his thoughts. He wondered whether Alexis would have relented if he had said 'yes' and whether breathing in the scent of Cassian's skin all night classed as such a sin. Was the feel of someone's flesh sinful in itself?

"Okay, Jizabel. Let's try another one. Where is he hiding?"

Jizabel remained purposefully silent this time, turning his head slightly so that Alexis would know he had heard and chosen not to answer. He barely felt the whip this time, lost in his own thoughts. He would never tell Alexis where to find Cassian. _Never_. He wasn't entirely sure why.

"Where did you meet him?"

No…that was a lie. He did know why he was remaining silent this time. If he had told Alexis where Cassian was, the whipping would stop, the questions would stop and the flesh would heal _but the pain would remain_. Jizabel was used to emotional pain, could control it, harness it even and make it into his strength. His famed heartlessness. He was no longer able to close his heart to Cassian and this meant that he had to live. He had opened his heart so long ago and had been betrayed by everyone. Jizabel wouldn't survive losing that feeling of intimacy again. It was worth the pain he was suffering.

"Do you love him, Jizabel?"

Silence.

In that moment of silence, Jizabel didn't dare answer the question, even in the privacy of his own mind. But he realised something in that moment. Cassian and Snark were a lot alike. Snark had been everything to Jizabel and he had been sacrificed in order to teach Jizabel about the cruelty of mankind, the harsh reality of life. Cassian was the only thing left in Jizabel's life that meant _anything_. If Jizabel turned him over to Alexis, it would mean he would be acknowledging his sins and securing his own happiness…but Jizabel found himself unable to sacrifice Cassian for something as trivial as his own happiness. He had a vague idea that the only place true happiness could be found was in the depths of Cassian's eyes.

And suddenly, everything became clear. Cassian wasn't the lamb. The lamb was Jizabel, being raised and moulded. Alexis controlled him utterly, saw himself as superior in every way. Alexis treated him like an animal, forcing him to comply with his foolish plans that would lead to the end of the world. And in that moment of clarity, Jizabel silently prayed for him to end it. He wanted Alexis to kill him. Either kill him or set him free. This endless erosion of his defences was a living hell and if Jizabel could never reach happiness in life, he would embrace death with open arms.

Kneeling on the floor, shirt discarded, blood running from his wounds, Jizabel smiled to himself. And for the first time in years, a single tear escaped from the corner of his eye.

Did he love Cassian? No, he didn't even know what love was. Given time and freedom, maybe he could learn. This revelation both thrilled him and broke what was left of his heart – realising that the impossible was possible after all but that for him, it was unobtainable.

Footsteps behind him. Alexis approached and stood directly behind his son. There was a metallic whisper as a knife was unsheathed.

"I told you, Jizabel," Alexis murmured and placed a hand on his shoulder. Jizabel flinched and more tears were startled from his eyes. The faintest whimper escaped him.

He felt a sharp coldness as the blade of the knife was placed against the back of his neck, naked since all his hair had been pulled away from the whip. Jizabel knew that even if Alexis tried to pull it away, he was going to sink his neck back into the metal and allow it to pierce as far as the bone. He couldn't even contemplate surviving any more torture. It was over. The suffering was going to end…and as he felt the pressure increase he began to tremble.

-x-

Cassian burst into the chamber that he had visited so often in the past to see Jizabel kneeling on the floor, blood running down his pale skin and onto the cold tiles. Alexis was standing close behind him, a knife in one hand, the blade pressing into Jizabel's neck.

Cassian paused for a moment as Alexis turned towards him, unsure of what to do next. And then he glanced at Jizabel and saw the tears now running freely from his eyes, eyes which were so focused on their impending fate that they hadn't registered Cassian's arrival.

Cassian saw red. Like the night he had murdered the ringmaster and her whore, the world became a blur. Running forward, Cassian drew a knife from where it had been hidden in his sleeve and let out an incomprehensible cry of rage. He launched himself at Alexis but hadn't been fast enough – the card master had raised his own knife to block Cassian's. As Cassian slammed into him, his weight took them both by surprise. They hit the floor and rolled, Cassian's knife sinking deep into Alexis' leg. They rolled again, fighting for dominance and Cassian felt his opponents blade slide into the soft flesh of his upper arm. He threw himself to his feet and stepped back. For a moment the world froze and Alexis was crouching in front of him, struggling to stand with a wounded leg. Cassian cried out again and kicked the older man hard, a direct blow to the face. There was a sickening crunch and Cassian knew he had broken Alexis' nose. The card masters eyes shut and he slumped forwards. Cassian blinked once or twice. He had won? But he hadn't expected to _survive_ such a fight, let alone win.

Forgetting Jizabel for the time being, he leant forward and touched Alexis gently. He was breathing. Unconscious. And he hadn't called for any guards.

Cassian felt as if he was floating, faced with the enormity of what he had done. He turned to Jizabel who had struggled up from the floor and was now standing before him, tear streaks on his cheeks.

"I…" Cassian licked his lips and blinked again. "I…"

"Cassian," Jizabel whispered, and that one word was enough to bring Cassian back to reality. Without thinking, Cassian stepped forward and pulled Jizabel into his arms. They were both shaking, their breathing ragged. Cassian buried his face into Jizabel's shoulder and instinctively placed a gentle kiss against the bare flesh. Jizabel shivered and pulled away and for a moment, Cassian was afraid he had done something wrong. But the doctor reached for Cassian's hands and then did the unthinkable.

"Thank you," he whispered. And then he smiled. A smile that reached his eyes. Cassian felt himself shiver then. It was all so unreal. For a moment they were suspended, lost in each other's eyes. And then the sound of footsteps echoed throughout the chamber. Someone was coming down the hall towards them.

The spell broken, Cassian squeezed Jizabel's hands and shook his head.

"It's not over yet."

"What do we do now?" Jizabel asked, glancing at the prone body of his father doubtfully.

Cassian smiled a little.

"We run."

* * *

…*dramatic music* Hey look, something actually happened! :D More action and less hesitation from here on for our poor little boys. Do you know how hard it is to keep myself from writing their first kiss? I almost have to restrain my hands. All in good time, neh?

Hope this made up for my absence. Now a few more notes:

**Lyrics at the beginning are from 'Sacrificial Lamb' by Lacrimas Profundere. Chapter title from 'And God's Ocean' by the same band.** I strongly suggest youtubing them – anyone who also reads my Cain/Riff fic knows how much I think their lyrics can relate to Godchild.

Finally, huuuge shoutout to the Jizabel/Cassian invasion followers. Especially **SunilaMoon** – I miss our conversations honey and I miss you! Damn college!

**Merry Christmas and Happy New Year my sweethearts, love Sorryll xx**


	7. Forget What Was

**I'm not dead! :D Are you pleased? Are you? *puppy dog eyes***

**I am so sorry for the hee-yooj delay. There are many reasons behind this – exams, illness, coursework, my god damned hard drive crashing – but none of this needs to concern you ^^ I recently got a new Lacrimas Profundere album and finally managed to get my hands on The Seal of the Red Ram part 2 – the amazingly cute Jizabel/Cassian moments even as far back as that spurred me into writing.**

**This chapter is 5220 words long. No kidding. I hope it makes up for my absence. Since it's all been so depressing as of late, this chapter contains a lot of running, various disguises, the smell of fish, cheekiness and a change of setting. It's time for the great escape. The plot moves into stage 2 of 3 – scary huh? How far we've come!**

**Anyway, I'd love it if you could all review please? I'll give you cookies? Really I will! Enjoy my lovelies.**

- - **Typos and idiotic mistakes corrected. You can now read without wincing ^^ - - - - **

* * *

Forget What Was

Delilah's headquarters sprawled like a labyrinth before them, an endless web of shadowy corridors that rang with the echoing cries of their pursuers. Cassian had allowed Jizabel to grab hold of his hand and drag him through the endless corridors since the doctor knew his way around the building far better than Cassian and so would be able to find them the fastest route to freedom.

As they ran, Cassian watched Jizabel intently. Once the shock of the situation had been replaced by the fear of capture, the younger man had stopped shaking and become intensely practical. His eyes were narrowed in concentration and his lips were slightly parted, as though he was on the verge of speaking his thoughts. His hair billowed out behind him like a pale cloak, some of it sticky with the blood from the wounds on his back, blood continuously flowing due to the movement of the muscles in his back as he ran forcing the torn skin further apart. It must have been excruciatingly painful and yet Jizabel never complained as they ran. It was as Cassian noticed this that Jizabel finally slowed his pace to a fast walk and spoke.

"We're almost as the side entrance," he said quietly. "From there, we can follow an alleyway that leads directly to the train station."

"Good," Cassian replied. "And from there…"

"That's not important right now," Jizabel said decisively. "What's important is getting out of here." He then turned away from Cassian and started to increase his pace once more but was halted by a sharp tug on his hand.

"Wait a moment," Cassian said quietly before letting go of the doctor's hand and quickly shrugging out of his worn and heavy jacket. He handed this to the bemused Jizabel who slipped it on silently. Reaching forward, Cassian then gently drew Jizabel's curtain of hair out of the collar and smoothed it down against the back of the jacket, cleaning some of the most noticeable blood off in the process. It felt like silk beneath his fingers. Realising he was lingering a little too long, Cassian drew his hand away suddenly and stepped back. Jizabel raised an eyebrow in silent question but Cassian could only shrug in reply. How could he ever find the words to explain that seeing Jizabel's hair becoming covered in blood was almost heartbreaking for him?

After buttoning the jacket up to hide the fact the he was still shirtless underneath, Jizabel once again grabbed Cassian's hand and pulled him down a corridor. A few turns later, the echoing voices of their pursuers had faded to little more than a whisper and Cassian found himself truly entertaining the possibility of their freedom for the first time. It was all so dreamlike. He had spent so long trying to work out how to free Jizabel from Delilah's clutches, had started entertaining ideas long before his transferral into Cassandra's body and had always been met with insurmountable obstacles. But this time….it seemed so easy, too simple to be true. Who would have known that Alexis would go down after a simple kick? The man was indestructible… Cassian shook his head sharply and stopped thinking about it. Alexis was probably awake by now and Cassian felt cold when imagining what he would do to them if they were caught. He squeezed Jizabel's hand slightly and sped up.

They rounded another corner into a corridor hung with faded tapestries that were themselves hung with cobwebs. As they walked, clouds of dust were pushed out of the fraying carpet by every footfall. The corridor ended in a wooden door and the slight pressure that Jizabel now exerted on his hand told Cassian that this was the door to freedom. They sped up until they were almost running again and as Jizabel reached the door and pushed it open, Cassian was certain he heard him murmur,

"Thank God…"

They flew out of the grey building and into the brightness of the afternoon, the cold air washing over them. The world outside was so utterly different to the world inside the building that it seemed unbelievable that they had only walked through a door...but they both knew they weren't safe yet. Never glancing back and gripping each others hands tightly, they fled down the alleyway before them where they were swallowed by the maze of streets that made the city of London.

* * *

In the tapestry-lined corridor, a shadow detached itself from the deeper shadows smothering the corner of the bend and turned to face the door that had so recently been wrenched open. The disturbance this caused in the air had caused dust to wheel upwards and the void between the figure and the door was full of tiny, floating specks as though it was snowing. Yet when this figure walked, it left no impression on the carpet and the dust remained where it was, as though the figure was as insubstantial as mist.

It raised a hand in silent salute and smiled almost imperceptibly.

"Good luck," it whispered and then melted back into the shadows.

* * *

The station was enormous. Jizabel and Cassian joined the thronging crowd easily and immediately became almost indistinguishable from anyone else in the sea of faces. The train station was one of the few places where representatives from every tier of the class system could be found under one roof. Here, all kinds of people merged into one hurrying mass; the rich jostling with the poor, the old with the young, the cruel with the kind, all united in the purpose of reaching their destinations on time. They had no time to observe or look down on one another and this created a kind of freedom that could seldom be found anywhere else. If Jizabel and Cassian could be safe anywhere in London, even if only for a short time, it was here.

Despite this, Cassian ran his hands through his unruly hair, attempting to hide his face lest the elusive and scandalous Lord Gladstone should be recognised. Glancing up at the high vaulted glass roof, Jizabel finally released Cassian's hand.

"Where do we go from here?" he said quietly. "Neither of us have money so we can't legally board a train…and it's far too busy here to acquire ourselves some tickets without being noticed…not even through pick-pocketing," he added, catching sight of Cassian's expression. "But there is no doubt that we have to lave London…. so what should we do?"

Cassian smiled a little. "You're asking me? I hid myself in the city before but you're right in saying we have to leave. I don't think Alexis is going to let us go easily after what I did to him. We could…oh, look." He raised an arm and pointed to a train that was pulling out of the station.

"You see the little platform on the back? You know, the one people use for fresh air and things? If we wait for the next train to leave I bet we could run fast enough to jump onto that platform while the train is moving. That way, the guards on the platform won't have a hope in hell of stopping us, and-"

"The people on the train will be blissfully ignorant to our presence," Jizabel finished and nodded thoughtfully. "That's a good idea, Cassian. Once on the train we can always acquire tickets from other passengers. It could work."

Once they had decided that this was the safest idea they could think of, the pair lingered near the platforms and watched the trains carefully. While they waited, Jizabel slipped his spectacles back on after being pleasantly surprised to find them in his trouser pocket. Cassian had helped himself to a jacket that some commuter had foolishly left hanging over his unattended suitcase and was trying to ensure that the wound in his arm didn't bleed too much since the material was beige and a stain would show up easily. They had no idea what they would find on the train and so wanted to blend in as much as possible.

After around a quarter of an hour, another train started pulling away from the platform. After checking that the guards were focussed on the front of the train rather than the back, Jizabel and Cassian took to their heels again and ran towards the departing vehicle. Jizabel couldn't restrain a small gasp of pain as his muscles pulled at him and so Cassian grabbed his arm and pulled him onwards, pushing his own muscles to move faster. They reached the viewing platform and, grabbing the rails at the back, Cassian swung himself up and onto the wooden boards. He then reached over and helped Jizabel do the same thing. Once they were both safely on board, a shout arose from the station and a guard began running towards them but it was too late. The train sped out of the station and away. Gasping for breath, Jizabel murmured something incomprehensible and pulled the carriage door open. The interior of the carriage was panelled in dark wood and made up of several compartments to allow the passengers privacy and a glance into the rearmost one proved it to be empty.

Still breathing heavily, the pair slipped into this compartment and shut the door firmly behind them. Once inside, Jizabel turned away from the window to face the doorway where Cassian was standing. They stood facing each other for several moments, unsure of what to say. In the small, enclosed space of the compartment, everything suddenly lost its dreamlike quality and reality began to sink in. _They had escaped_. For how long, they couldn't tell but it didn't matter. In this moment, they were free from Delilah, free from Alexis, to some extent even free from all the horrors that the city had subjected them to. Both of them were bleeding, breathing heavily and wearing clothes that didn't fit them at all but that moment was beautiful. Cassian was the first to break the silence.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, referring to the wounds no the doctor's back. Jizabel misinterpreted this and rolled his eyes.

"Why ever would I _not_ be okay?" he snapped. "I'm on a train heading out of London. I don't have to worry about having to lay eyes on the Cardmaster again at least for the amount of time this train keeps moving. And I'm with the person who…" he trailed off and to Cassian's disbelief a slight blush rose in his cheeks. "The person who….who…" Jizabel sighed. "You," he finished.

Cassian blinked owlishly a few times before smiling and impulsively pulling Jizabel into his arms. He lowered his mouth towards Jizabel's ear and closed his eyes, smiling.

"I'm happy we made it here, too," he whispered.

For a few moments, Jizabel remained motionless in Cassian's embrace, not daring to move, not daring even to think. He knew he was trembling slightly and willed it to stop but to no avail. He could feel the warmth of Cassian's breath against his neck, could feel the warmth that emanated from his body even through the thick jacket. He thought back to the night in the attic and almost gave in to the moment, but then remembered the sting of the whip as his father had punished him for a sin he could not be sure he had committed or not. Perhaps the night in the attic had not been sinful, but giving in to Cassian now would be. Jizabel knew that if he crumbled now and started to express the torrent of alien feelings that coursed through him, there would be no going back. No matter how grateful he was to Cassian he could never bring himself to…

Jizabel tensed as his father's voice once again pushed its way to the forefront of this mind.

_Do you love him, Jizabel?_

Jizabel screwed his eyes shut and bit his lip to restrain himself from yelling at his own weakness. He did not know if he loved Cassian but he did know that he had been given a second chance to find out. Chances like this came his way so rarely…what kind of man would Jizabel be if he didn't embrace them? He took a deep breath and let his defences crumble.

Slowly, he brought his arms up from his sides to curve their way around Cassian's waist, and could feel the other man tense at the sudden touch. Given confidence by the new knowledge that Cassian wasn't as sure as he seemed, Jizabel tightened his arms until he was holding Cassian tightly, dipped his head to nestle in the curve of Cassian's neck. A sob struggled to be heard but Jizabel forced it back, fingers clutching desperately at the stolen jacket as if it was the only thing that as certain left in the world.

Cassian felt this, and opened his eyes again, concerned.

"Hey," he whispered softly, "You alright kid?"

Jizabel nodded and stepped away quickly, lowering his eyes as though ashamed of his own actions. For a moment, Cassian was worried that the doctor was going to cry. Instead, Jizabel frowned.

"_Kid_?" he repeated. "Is that what you just said?"

Cassian laughed in relief. "Ah, yes. I'm sorry. I couldn't help my-"

"What gives _you_ the right to talk down to _me_ in such a way?" Jizabel said coldly, haughtiness returning, although no real malice showed in his eyes.

"Well, I _am_ older than you," Cassian reasoned, trying not to smile. "And taller, now, too."

Jizabel stared at him for a few moments and then smiled. "Alright, I will forget about it for now. But remember that in intelligence I am far superior to you in every way."

"Whatever you say, doc," Cassian grinned. He was a little sorry that the moment of intimacy had passed but was sure it wouldn't be forgotten. It would take time to work everything out…even in his own mind. Lord knew how long it would take for Jizabel. But he was determined, and that could wait.

"What now?" Cassian asked as Jizabel turned to the window. "How are we going to get tickets?"

"Leave that to me," Jizabel said simply "You just stay here."

* * *

"Excuse me sir?" the young man asked quietly, once the compartment door had been opened. "Do you have a moment?"

Archie Fisher had been dozing the journey away and was rather annoyed at being disturbed. Business in London had gone badly and he didn't know how he was going to break the news to the fishermen back at the coast. All of their hard work had come to nothing and it was down to Archie to let them know they would have no money for the coming weeks. This was why he glared at the young man knocking on the door of his carriage coldly. The stranger was slender and effeminate, with long silvery hair loosely held back in a knot. _Obviously one of those university boys_, Archie decided. _No morals whatsoever_. However, he had been brought up to be kind to strangers and so gestured to the boy to enter.

"Thank you, sir," he said quietly, stepping into the carriage and inclining his head slightly in respect. Archie was impressed and visibly swelled with pride. "I need to ask a favour of you. You see, it's my brother. We're travelling to see his fiancées family but he's been awfully strange since yesterday. I think he might be ill or something but I have no medical training whatsoever…would you mind taking a look at him? You look like an intelligent man, if you will excuse me for saying, sir."

This speech was reeled off exceptionally fast and so before thinking about it properly, Archie nodded, a frequent victim of flattery.

"Well, I'm not a doctor, my lad, but I'll have a look. Can't have him ill or his young lady, can we?"

"Thank you ever so much," the stranger replied, standing up and motioning for Archie to follow. "I'm so grateful. He's just through here."

Archie stepped into the compartment that was the only one between his own and the rear of the train with what he hoped was a concerned look on his face. A young man was slumped on the seat in front of him, head bowed and hands in his pockets. Archie really did frown in concern now. Perhaps the brother's rambling had been more accurate than he had surmised.

"Come on then, lad," he said kindly, "Let's take a look at you…"

As he leant forward, Archie realised he hadn't heard the brother step in behind him and that he could now feel someone standing close to his back. He started to turn his head to see and as he did so, the man on the seat flung himself upright and swung a fist at Archie's temple.

* * *

The man crumpled to the floor and Jizabel caught him by the arms, stopping his body from making a sound as it fell.

"Quickly," he said to Cassian who bent down and quickly removed the man's jacket, hat, shirt and waistcoat, followed by his shoes and belt. While he did this, Jizabel rummaged in the pockets until he found a train ticket. He slipped this into his own pocket just as Cassian finished and between them, they hoisted the man over to the window.

"Now?" Cassian asked quietly.

"Yes. Open the window."

Cassian slid the window down until it was wide enough to force the man's head through the gap and out over the ground as it rushed by below them. Once he was out far enough, Jizabel took a knife from Cassian and slit the man's throat ear to ear, making sure the blood spilled out of the window and didn't stain the interior of the carriage. Cassian then slid the window open to its full capacity and between them, they hoisted the body up and tipped it out of the carriage to land on the track and be quickly left behind.

Cassian shut the window again, breathing heavily. He watched as Jizabel cleaned the knife on his jacket and then handed it back, handle first.

"I got the ticket," he said calmly, "That man was ridiculously easy to persuade. I wonder what his profession was? His carriage smelt like fish." Jizabel shuddered.

"Maybe he was a fishmonger," Cassian shrugged. "Does it matter?"

Jizabel shook his head and indicated the pile of clothing. "Help yourself."

Cassian shrugged out of the now bloodstained beige jacket, wincing as the fabric caught at the edges of his wound. He then donned the dead man's black jacket which fit slightly better and would at least not show the blood as well. He also grabbed the hat and pulled it over his face, lest someone should have heard a noise and come looking. He didn't want to be recognised. Jizabel took off Cassian's old jacket and put the man's shirt on, which was rather wide for him but seemed to fit well enough once the waistcoat was on to hold it in place. He then put the jacket back on which made him look somewhat like an eccentric aristocrat wanting to embrace a life of adventure…which was in a sense what he was. The shoes they stored under the seat in case they needed them and the belt was wrapped around Cassian's upper arm to try and quell the bleeding. Once this was done, Jizabel slipped out of the compartment again, promising Cassian that he would try and find someone they wouldn't have to kill.

While he was gone, Cassian stared out of the window thoughtfully, wondering what life would be like now if he hadn't gone to stop Alexis. Would Jizabel be dead now? Would he have ever found out? Cassian shook his head. It didn't matter. He had to look to the future, and where they would go from here. Delilah would find them eventually, he was sure of that, but if they found somewhere remote enough, perhaps they would have time to devise a way of leaving the country…the thought was terrifying. Cassian thought back to the moment when Jizabel had finally allowed himself to be held and couldn't stop himself from smiling a little. He knew that what they were trying to do was dangerous and could even be impossible…but for moments like that, it was worth every moment of pain.

As he thought this, Jizabel slipped back into the compartment. He slid the door behind him shut and then sat down opposite Cassian, swinging a large leather trunk onto the seat beside him.

"How'd it go?" Cassian asked. Jizabel smiled.

"Well. I happened across a balding businessman that had foolishly fallen asleep with his ticket in his hand so I relieved him from the pressure of having to look after it out of the kindness of my heart. I also found this in our other friend's compartment," he said, indicating the trunk. "It's full of clothes and such which we can use wherever we're going. Plus it makes us less suspicious."

The next few minutes were spent removing black items of clothing from the trunk and hanging them up over the compartment's glass panel to stop anyone seeing in, in order to allow Jizabel some time in which to tend to Cassian's arm. The garments worked reasonably well as a curtain and Jizabel quickly began removing Cassian's jacket. Almost instantly, a knock came at the door. Without needing to glance at each other, Jizabel scooted back to the opposite seat while Cassian covered his arm and pulled the hat further down over his face. Once this was done, Jizabel raised his voice.

"Yes?"

"Everything alright in there, sir?" The voice was heavy and carried a slight London accent. Assuming it must be a guard, Jizabel sighed.

"Yes it is. Why, is there a problem?"

"Not really sir. May I come in?"

"Of course."

The door was pushed back to reveal a portly middle-aged guard wearing a puzzled expression. He looked Jizabel up and down and appeared to decide he was harmless. His eyes rested on Cassian, who didn't look up but turned his head ever so slightly towards the speaker. The guard stepped back a little.

"Just wondering why you've blocked the window, sir."

Jizabel nodded as though he had been expecting this question and put on his best professional smile.

"Oh yes, dreadfully sorry about that," he said quickly, accent becoming almost imperceptibly higher class. "It's just it was necessary you see. I'm a doctor at St Pancras' Asylum back in the city and this here is one of my patients," he indicated Cassian as he said this, who tried to look suitably insane. "We have decided that some time away from the city would do him a world of good since he gets very…" Jizabel paused for effect, "_agitated_ around large crowds. I covered the window so that if anyone came walking past here, he wouldn't have to see them and become…_agitated_."

Cassian thought this was an appropriate moment to mutter to himself. The guard flinched and stepped back.

"Ah, I see," he said nervously, "I can see how that might be a problem. I, uh, take it that you won't want to be disturbed again then, sir?"

Jizabel nodded and smiled. "That would be wonderful, if you could arrange it. I'm sure we don't want to cause any trouble though, do we Albert?" He smiled over at Cassian who muttered to himself some more. The guard smiled and almost ran from the compartment, saying over his shoulder, "No problem at all, sir. No one will come knocking again, sir. Have a safe trip, sir."

Once he was gone and the door safely shut, Cassian threw the hat down and scowled at Jizabel.

"Why must I be the mental patient?" he said. "I got the feeling you were enjoying yourself just now."

Jizabel chuckled. "Well, yes. That was the most entertainment I've had in a long while. And don't be offended, Cassian. It was the first thing I could think of to make him leave, that's all. I wasn't lying before when I told you that you weren't losing your mind. And besides, no one else will disturb us now. It all worked out rather well."

Cassian grudgingly agreed to this and calmed down. "So, what do we do now?"

Jizabel smiled gently and pulled a needle from his trouser pocket. "Now, we stop your arm from bleeding."

Cassian blinked. "Please don't tell me you carry a needle around all the time."

"Don't be ridiculous," Jizabel snapped, "I found it in the man's trunk. I suppose he must have enjoyed darning his own socks. He looked the type. Now take off your jacket."

Cassian complied, once again wincing as he freed his arm from the material which had fused with his skin while the blood dried. Jizabel sat next to him and pulled some thread out from a pocket. "This is going to hurt, Cassian," he said quietly. "You might want something to bite down on."

"Are you kidding?" Cassian said, trying to smile bravely. "I've seen you being whipped without making a sound. What's a little pinprick compared to that?"

Jizabel only shrugged, obviously thinking this was illogical. He pulled Cassian's arm towards him and examined the wound. Alexis' knife had pierced the soft flesh of his upper arm and sliced a neat line down the side of Cassian's bicep. This was why it was bleeding so much; every time he moved his arm, more blood was forced to the surface. Jizabel licked the cuff of the man's white shirt and used it to gently clean the blood away from the edges of the wound. Cassian winced slightly, but remained silent.

"It's not too deep," Jizabel said. "It's not going to heal for at least a few weeks but in few days you'll be able to use that arm without it hurting too much. I'm going to stitch it up now, okay?"

Cassian smiled a little and nodded, realising how strange it as seeing Jizabel act like this. He had never reserved kindness for human suffering and Cassian had only seen him act in such a professional yet caring way once before, when sewing up the dog Mikaila killed in the graveyard. He felt honoured.

"Just do it, please," he said. "The quicker it's over, the better right?"

Jizabel nodded and sunk the needle quickly into Cassian's flesh, drawing it across the tear and then pulling it out the other side. Cassian was surprised at the pain and bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. Jizabel paused after pulling the thread through.

"Are you okay"

"I…uh…yeah…" Cassian gasped, eyes screwed shut. "That's more than a little pinprick though, isn't it?"

"I did warn you."

"I know. It's okay. Carry on."

The next stitch caused Cassian to groan softly but he motioned for Jizabel to continue, who did so silently and as swiftly as possible, trying to ignore the various agonised noises issuing from Cassian's throat. It was a lot harder to ignore than he had expected. Once the final stitch was in place and the thread tied off, Jizabel leant back and watched Cassian quietly. His eyes were shut, his face pale and his breathing ragged. With a shock, Jizabel realised it was almost upsetting seeing Cassian like this, a pale echo of the pain Jizabel had felt when Cassian lay dying in his arms after being pierced by Cassandra's sword…

"I keep getting you injured," he said, almost to himself. Cassian opened his eyes.

"What?"

"If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be in pain right now."

"Oh, don't be stupid," Cassian said quickly, fighting to keep a tremor out of his voice. "I'm hardly the only one in pain here. And it's my fault I'm hurt, I practically jumped on his knife."

Jizabel caught Cassian's eye and nodded weakly. "I suppose you're right. How does it feel now?"

"Better," Cassian lied. Jizabel's abrupt mood swings were a little unnerving and Cassian found himself wishing that the 'doctor' persona would go away again. Jizabel was the one most in pain here, not him. "Hey, don't sit down there." Cassian patted the seat beside him. Jizabel warily rose to his feet and sat on the opposite end of the seat to Cassian. .

"What am I, diseased?" Cassian said, rolling his eyes. "You may be superior in intelligence to me but you must also be cold. This train is draughty as hell. Come here."

Cassian knew he was taking a risk. The fact that Jizabel had run away from the attic room made it clear that physical contact was something he was unsure about but Cassian couldn't help himself. Jizabel looked so vulnerable, lost almost. He shouldn't look that way and Cassian could think of not other way to make him feel comfortable again, other than irritating him. At least, this is what Cassian told himself. Part of him just wanted to see if Jizabel would comply.

A few moments passed. Jizabel stared at the space next to Cassian with a haunted look in his eyes. Once again, he was torn between the wish to stay strong and the secret desire to give in. He was cold, true, but it was more than that…a lot had happened in a very short period of time and some part of Jizabel that had been hidden for years knew that he needed to be comforted, needed to be held until he could accept the situation they were now in and come to terms with what had happened.

The idea that he may not be the only one needing comforting struck Jizabel and more of Alexis' words came back to him.

_Did you offer him your body?_

Jizabel knew that his father had meant rather more than simple physical contact but now realised that he hadn't been so far off the mark. He had felt immensely peaceful sleeping next to Cassian, had found more comfort in something as simple as a sleeping, and breathing body that he could ever have imagined. Perhaps at this moment, Cassian needed something other than words to comfort him.

Jizabel glanced back up to see Cassian watching him, eyes full of anxiety. He was worried about how Jizabel would react. And Jizabel found it impossible to even consider letting him down.

Silently, Jizabel moved across the seat until he was leaning up against Cassian, who turned to lean against the compartment wall, allowing Jizabel to rest his head on his chest. Without thinking, Jizabel reached out and gently touched Cassian's hand, as if asking permission. Cassian smiled to himself and laced his fingers with Jizabel's, wanting to say words that he barely even had the courage to think. But now was not the time. For now, this would be enough.

They lay together staring out of the window at the landscape rushing by as the train sped further and further away from London and towards a future which neither of them could predict. For a few hours, they didn't even try to predict the future. Everything they needed could be found in the warmth of each other's skin and the soft sound of each other's breathing.

* * *

**Smooshy, huh? I couldn't help myself. I want them to kiss now, But Cassian is telling me the time isn't right and Jizabel refuses to talk to me about it. **

**I hope this might have helped to dispel Suni's writers block? We neeed you to update! The Jizabel/Cassian invasion needs to start spamming the list again!**

**So, hoping you all enjoyed and promising the next chapter will be soon, Sorryll asks you all to review and curtseys out of the room**

**x**


	8. Finding Sanctuary

**Thank you so much for the lovely reviews! I was so happy that you hadn't all forgotten about me. Kudos to Dr Axel Disraeli for one of the most amusing reviews received on this fic so far.**

**This chapter is … sort of an interlude I suppose and so it isn't that long. Sorry if it's boring but these are details that need to be included or the next two chapters will be confusing – a new setting always needs a decent introduction! There's some smoosh at the end to make up for the beginning. I got the name Redtree Heath from an online place name generator – I don't think it's a real place but you never know. **

**Shoutout to Savvi-Sin who had written some truly beautiful Jizabel/Cassian pieces recently. Please check them out! They have the Sorryll stamp of approval! **

**Rant over. Off ye go…**

* * *

Finding Sanctuary 

Redtree Heath had one of the smallest stations Cassian had ever seen.

Once they had left the train, rather smugly showing heir tickets to the inspector, Cassian and Jizabel had found themselves standing on a single platform, staffed by one elderly guard who was sleeping and had not awoken when the train pulled up. Ignoring him, they had walked straight past, quickly locating the gate that would in theory lead them into the town. This was not the case. The gate led to a small footpath that ran alongside a low fence that was almost entirely covered in brambles. It was night time now and the foliage loomed out of the darkness like some strange creature and stretched as far as Cassian could see.

"Isn't there supposed to be a town here?" Cassian asked quietly, hefting the late Mr Fisher's trunk under his arm. "This station is in the middle of nowhere."

"Isn't that precisely what you were looking for?" Jizabel answered blankly. "This is the sort of place Delilah won't think to look, not at first."

Cassian nodded grudgingly. It was true that he had suggested a place such as this. Assuming that Delilah would first check the last station on the line and then the major towns, he had suggested they find a place with a boring place name that looked quiet and stay there. The place was almost perfect. It was just that his legs were tired and there was no sign of a village to be seen.

"I'm sure the village won't be far away," Jizabel continued and the faintest smile graced his lips. "The walk will give us time to talk about what to do next. And…well, it's nice to be away from city air."

Cassian smiled gently and nodded, determined to complain no longer. Something seemed to have come over Jizabel and his eyes were shining. If simply being away from anything remotely like London affected him like this, Cassian would be glad to walk all night.

They set off without another word and began to follow the winding trail through the heathland. In the dark, it was a vast expanse of shadows and strange shapes but in the daylight was sure to look beautiful. The countryside was so far removed from the streets of the city that it was almost startling for Cassian, who had travelled through the country before but had always been confined to the circus, not being allowed to experience the beauty of the open country. He felt vulnerable in this vast space but also exhilarated. For Jizabel, the countryside was reawakening memories he had tried to forget. A childhood spent always out of doors, revelling in the beauty of nature and never knowing how cruel the world could be…for now, the darkness allowed him to control himself. Jizabel was unsure what would happen when daylight came.

By the time the distant lights of the village finally rose out of the shadows, their cover story had been established, as had a vague plan. If they could find somewhere to stay without arousing too much suspicion, they would stay in the town for maybe a week. By then, Delilah would most likely have searched the other towns and would start on the villages, meaning that it would be unsafe to stay there. Beyond that, they had no plan. Jizabel asserted that they would stay a week so that they could plan efficiently for the next phase of their escape while Cassian remained silent, knowing that they wanted to stay so that they had time to fully grasp the situation they were in. The coming week was going to be interesting for them both, of that he was sure.

When they reached the town, it was to find that there was no inn or tavern as they had been hoping. The village was clustered around a small village green and seemed to contain nothing more than small houses, a few shops and a church.

"This is all very quaint and lovely," Cassian said, trying to stop himself feeling angry. "But where are we going to stay? I don't know how much longer I can-"

"There," Jizabel interrupted, pointing. "There's a farmhouse just beyond the church. It won't take us long to reach it and I'm sure they'll have some room."

"What if they don't?"

"Then," Jizabel said, smiling in amusement. "We'll just have to sleep in the barn, won't we? Now stop complaining."

With that, the doctor began walking towards the farmhouse that laid a little way out of the village. Cassian shook his head and followed, wondering if he would ever be able to understand Jizabel. The train journey had been…strange. The murder, the theft and the stitching had been understandable for Cassian but afterwards had been strange. They had lay together for most of the journey without talking, gently holding hands and staring out of the window. At the time Cassian had been blissfully happy and had been sure Jizabel felt the same but as soon as he had spoken, the doctor had pushed away from him and begun to act like no time had passed at all. The practical persona he adopted so often had come back leaving Cassian confused. Had he done something wrong? Shaking his head again to dispel such thoughts, Cassian followed Jizabel as fast as his tired legs could carry him. In no time at all, they reached the house and knocked. Cassian watched as Jizabel quietly changed, slipping into the persona he had created for this situation.

The farmhouse door was pulled open roughly and a weary looking man with sun beaten skin stared at them suspiciously.

"Yes?"

"Sorry for the intrusion," Jizabel spoke quickly, "But we were wondering if you had a place in which we could stay. This village doesn't seem to have an inn."

"No, not anymore," the man replied bitterly. "Shut down years ago. And now we always have godsdamn travellers knocking at our door. Tell me why I should give you a place to stay."

Barely blinking, Jizabel smiled thinly. "We mean to cause you no inconvenience sir, if we had known there was nowhere to say before arriving we would not have come. But it is too late to head for London now…"

"London?" The man's eyes narrowed with the general dislike that rural dwellers felt for those of the city. "Who are you people? Why would anyone from London come to Redtree?"

"We're travelling in order to study the wildlife around here and compare it to that near and in the city."

"Why?"

"To see whether the developments taking place in industry are affecting the wildlife adversely. If it is, then it may also be affecting the people living there." Jizabel gave a slight shrug. "We're just trying to help people."

The man scowled. "And what kind of a person would you be to travel al this way for _that_?"

"A doctor," Jizabel said simply. The man's eyes widened.

"A doctor? Well, that changes things…" He looked at the floor and something like hope flickered over his weary features. Cassian and Jizabel shared a subtle glance. The man continued unawares. "Do you have money? To pay for a place to stay I mean."

"No," Jizabel said, endeavouring to make his voice sound shameful. "You see, we left our luggage unattended on the train and someone stole all but one of our trunks. We had put the money in our luggage since we thought it was more likely that a pickpocket would strike…" he shrugged again and gave the farmer a small, self-deprecating smile. "Ironic, isn't it?"

Cassian hid a smile. The farmer had no idea how ironic this story was, and never would unless he checked the remaining trunk's nametag. The farmer failed to notice his amusement and to Cassian's surprise, beckoned them inside.

"I think you'd better come in, I'm sure we can sort something out."

The farmers change of heart became clear as they looked around the small living room. A woman was sitting by the fire with her foot up on a stool, the skin being swollen and painful looking. The farmer asked Jizabel to look over the injury as the woman was his wife and couldn't help him working in the fields with a swollen ankle.

"The doctor is in the next town," he explained, "And I can't spare no-one to go fetch him. Times're hard. If you can tell us what's wrong and help her, then I'll overlook your staying here for tonight."

Jizabel nodded and bent to examine the woman's leg while the farmer turned to Cassian.

"And who might you be?" he enquired. "You don't look like a doctor."

"I'm his assistant," Cassian answered easily, wondering why he _still_ looked lower class despite inhabiting an aristocrat's body but not really minding – he had seen what the aristocracy was capable of. Suddenly, a thought struck him. "Excuse me, did you say that times were hard? Does that mean you don't have enough people working for you at the moment?"

The farmer grunted in assent. "Smart lad. Yes, we're low on workers at the moment If we can't et the crops sown soon, there'll be practically no harvest come autumn. Why?"

Cassian smiled disarmingly. "Please don't think me rude, sir, but we really need somewhere to stay for a week. We have no money but I could work for you while we're here. I'm a good worker, I promise. Would that pay off our debt?"

The farmer thought for a moment and then nodded grudgingly. "I suppose it would. It's hard work, mind you. Are you sure you want to commit to that?"

Cassian glanced at Jizabel who was now talking to the woman quietly. "Don't worry. I know all about committing myself to hard work."

Within fifteen minutes, matters had been settled. They would be allowed to stay in a small room that had been built above the barn for a week while Cassian paid of their debt and would be given food at the farmhouse. Jizabel would be free to carry out his studies. As this was agreed upon, the doctor returned from the woman by the fireside.

"She has sprained her ankle badly," he said quickly "But it will heal soon. I have left her instructions on how to care for herself in the mean time and here," he handed the farmer a list, "is a list of plants that can be used to make ointment t ease the swelling. They should be easy to find."

"Thank you very much," the farmer smiled. "You may stay here for the week, your assistant and I have come to an arrangement. I'll let him tell you. Now, it's getting rather late and I'm sure you're tired of travelling so you're free to go to the barn. The sheets are clean so you can settle in right away."

"Thank you," Jizabel smiled, "You're very kind. What may we call you?"

"The name's Richard," the farmer said, holding out a hand which Jizabel and then Cassian shook. "Most people just call me that so I won't bother telling you my full name. What about the two of you? Can't have nameless guests!"

"So that you can track us down if we run off without paying?" Cassian said without thinking. The farmer laughed.

"Something like that!"

"In that case," Jizabel cut in smoothly, "my name is Stone, Jonathon Stone. And this is William Carpenter."

The farmer nodded, happy to hear reliable sounding names exactly as they had planned. "In that case Doctor Stone, I shall see you in the morning. Thanks again."

As they left, they remained silent lest they should be overheard. Once they were nearer to the barn than the farmhouse, Cassian whistled below his breath.

"That was too easy, wasn't it?"

"What do you mean? It went rather well."

"Well, yes, but…" he trailed off. In truth, Cassian could not fight of a sense of foreboding. Things had seemed so easy up to now and he wondered how long it could last. He felt strange, as though he was dreaming and events were carrying him along and he was powerless to fight against them. Part of him wanted to grab Jizabel and shake some sense of reality into him, tell him that this was insane, that they had no right to act like normal people after all they had done….while another part of him simply wanted to cry in relief. Could things really be this simple?

"Cassian."

While he had been thinking, they had entered the barn and Jizabel was staring upwards with a surprised expression. Cassian followed his gaze and his eyes widened. The barn was large with a high ceiling, the main body of the wooden building being filled with dry hay left over from the winter months. Above this, the upper half of the barn was divided into two. One half was crossed with simple wooden beams to support the roof. The beams on the other half had been modified and built on so that there was a platform that covered about half of the barn. On this platform they could see two beds, a small table with chairs and a small fireplace with a worn rug stretching in front of it. It was like a tiny house had been built within the barn away from prying eyes. It was perfect.

Cassian glanced at Jizabel to find the doctor watching him carefully. His eyes were soft and in the darkness of the barn, it was easy to believe that Jizabel really was a doctor sent here to study wildlife who had fallen upon hard luck and was now gratified to find somewhere so unusual but charming in which to stay. And Cassian _wanted_ to believe this was true. He could see in Jizabel's eyes that he was thinking the same thing. Reaching out, Cassian touched Jizabel's hand softly, making no move to hold it lest the moment should be broken.

"Just a week," Jizabel said quietly. "In a week we will have to leave. We will have to run again. But for now can we…"

He didn't need to finish. Cassian nodded. Jizabel deserved one week in which to forget all the pain and Cassian felt honoured to be able to share it with him. They had soon climbed the ladder to the room and Cassian fell full length onto one of the beds without removing his clothes. He heard Jizabel doing the same on the other bed and so felt comfortable shutting his eyes and waiting for sleep to enfold him.

It wasn't long before there was a weight next to him. Jizabel had risen from his bed and moved to lay beside Cassian. While Cassian had been dozing, he had removed his shirt in order to free the wounds on his back for the night. In the moonlight, the jagged gashes seemed almost unreal and Cassian could do nothing but stare at them for a few moments before remembering himself and moving over to allow Jizabel more room. He lay on his side to face the younger man.

"Jizabel," he whispered, wondering where his voice had gone. "Are you okay?"

Jizabel nodded and replied, also in a whisper. "Yes. I just…so much has happened in so short a time. Two days ago, I believed I would never see you again. This morning, I promised myself I would never see you again. And now…so much has changed."

Cassian could do nothing but listen and wonder why darkness seemed to make Jizabel more lucid. He was certain the doctor would never have spoken this in daylight.

"I would be a fool if I tried to pretend I wasn't scared," Jizabel said quietly, looking away from Cassian for a moment. "I don't really know why I'm here. I don't know what we're going to do when this week ends. I don't know why I feel as though I have to tell you these things…but…"

"You can tell me anything," Cassian said gently. "I'll listen. I promise."

"I know," Jizabel answered. "I know I can trust you. Isn't that frightening? I've never trusted anyone before. I have…something to ask you, Cassian."

Cassian realised he could hear his heartbeat in the silence that followed. Or was it Jizabel's? It was hard to tell. He was worried about Jizabel, worried about his indecision and nervousness. Did Jizabel truly want to be here? Had Cassian forced him in some way? Nodding nervously, Cassian replied.

"Ask."

"Can…Can you…" Jizabel looked away again and sighed. Suddenly, he moved until he was pressed against Cassian's chest and grabbed Cassian's wrist to bring his arm down and around himself. Taking the cue, Cassian tightened his hold around Jizabel and lowered his head until it was resting just above Jizabel's.

"Can we sleep like this tonight?" Jizabel's voice was quiet and trembling. Cassian smiled and nodded.

"Of course."

As Jizabel's breathing slowed and sleep enfolded him, Cassian felt a pang of regret. What if Jizabel never asked for contact like this again? Gently so as not to wake him, Cassian stroked Jizabel's side with his fingers, careful to avoid the wounds. Swallowing down his fear of even thinking such things, Cassian allowed himself to think about the softness of Jizabel's skin and wished he had been able to fight that fear in the attic room. But perhaps that would have been a mistake. Cassian knew that Jizabel was nervous and even a little frightened and also knew that he himself was nervous of what he was feeling. It was too early. They had to focus on escape and safety. Anything else could wait.

"He's not ready," Cassian whispered to himself as sleep wrapped him in its velvet arms. "He's just not ready to be loved."

* * *

**…Looking forward to the next two chapters? XD I know I am! Muhaha. I promise the next part will be up soon – maybe even tomorrow. I was going to merge the next chapter with this one but then it'd be epically long again…whereas this is just nice ^^**

**A little shameless self-promotion – if you like my writing but think this is too slow/ too cute/ too unimaginative then I have a new story named Wheel of Fortune. It's dark, will be gory and is Cassian-centric. So if you feel brave, check it out!**

**That's all from moi. Please review, I do love to hear from you all! xx**


	9. Catch My Breath

**I apologise for the utter disgrace that was chapter 8. It was so boring, I am sorry I put you through the misery of reading it. To make up for this, I have merged the next two chapters into one and made some minor adjustments to my original plan…**

**Okay, onto what I meant to say. ****THIS CHAPTER IS M RATED!**** If you are offended by sexual situations or male/male physical bonding (XD) then you should stop reading at **'He stood suddenly, knocking back his chair in the process'.

**I am very nervous about this chapter. Please be gentle with me XD**

**-x-**

Catch My Breath

_I want to learn how to feel without bleeding_

_I want to learn how to lie by your side_

_To know that you're mine_

"This is beautiful."

Jizabel glanced at Cassian and smiled faintly. The older man was wearing a somewhat stupefied expression as he struggled through their surroundings, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. Jizabel was more composed than this but was not enjoying himself any less, it was just that this was not the first time he had been in such a place. It was as though he had strayed into another world after leaving the village, a world built of memories long forgotten.

The heath stretched out before them, a massive expanse of verdant grass studded with tiny wildflowers in all the colours of the rainbow. The sky overhead was clear and endlessly blue. Jizabel felt peaceful, more peaceful than he had felt in a very long time. He drifted through the heath as though he had no control over his steps, eyes slightly unfocussed. The fog-enshrouded, desolate city streets that had been burned into his memory seemed impossible and ridiculous when surrounded by such beauty.

"You appear to be having some difficulty, Cassian," he said quietly, mild amusement evident in his tone.

"Only a little," Cassian replied, smiling self-deprecatingly. "I've never been anywhere like this before. I suppose I'll have to get used to it if I'm going to be working in the fields."

Jizabel nodded vaguely, hiding a smile and was then unsure as to why he felt like smiling. He shook away the uncertainty and let the dreamlike quality of the day flow back.

"It's not far to the forest now," he commented. "Try and keep from falling over until we reach there. I don't think I'd be able to carry you."

They carried on walking in silence, and Jizabel decided to blame the farmer for the strange mood he was in. Their morning had been an unusual one. Once they had awoken – Cassian saying nothing about Jizabel's behaviour the night before and letting him dress hurriedly in silence – the pair had wandered vaguely towards the farmhouse where they had been given breakfast and bombarded with cheerful talk, mostly to do with farming. Jizabel had at first been almost overwhelmed by the exuberance of the family but had been inexorably sucked in, until he felt quite cheerful himself. Cassian had been able to join the conversation easily and Jizabel could almost imagine that they were really just here for research and not on the run. This was why, after vociferous urging from the farmer, they had found themselves wandering on the heath in order to get themselves acquainted with the area, Jizabel in another set of loosely fitting clothes borrowed from the trunk and Cassian wearing a large shirt donated by the farmers son. Jizabel found it hard not to laugh upon seeing Cassian wearing this at first since the idea of Cassandra in such an outfit was amusing.

Glancing sidelong at Cassian again, Jizabel tried to imagine it was Cassandra beside him but found the image just wouldn't work. Cassandra would never be in an area like this, never dress so casually, never walk with head bowed so as t watch where he was going, never turn to Jizabel with a small smile and say,

"Are you okay?"

Jizabel caught himself staring and looked away hurriedly. "Yes."

No. He could imagine no one else walking beside him at this moment other than Cassian, and was unsure as to whether this thought comforted or frightened him.

They soon reached the forest and the cool shade cast by the canopy high overhead wrapped around them. Not knowing where to go they let their feet carry them onwards, talking quietly of nothing in particular as though neither of them could really force their minds to function normally. Jizabel was starting to become irritated with the dreamlike atmosphere clouding his thought processes when the trees suddenly opened up into a clearing and he found himself standing on the bank of a large lake. If the heath had been beautiful, then this place was beyond imagining. The water rippled in the sunlight as though it was coated in diamonds while the banks were edged with pale blossom trees. As a light breeze swept across the clearing, tiny petals fell around them, wheeling through the air and settling on the grass and the surface of the lake. One chose to land in Jizabel's hair and Cassian removed it gently, grinning despite himself.

"I like it here," he said vaguely, regarding the petal on his fingertip instead of looking at Jizabel who was scowling at him. "Don't you?"

For a moment, it was as though they had travelled back in time, back to when they had been together at Delilah and Jizabel had been confident in his superiority while Cassian enjoyed goading him. The scowl fading from his lips, Jizabel wondered when they had stopped acting that way, when things had become so serious between them. It seemed like a ridiculously long time since he had scolded Cassian for something without feeling uncomfortable but he didn't feel the urge to do so now. Perhaps it was because of the change in appearance, perhaps it was because of what had happened over the past few days but Jizabel found his sense of superiority slipping and realised that he had been almost completely at Cassian's mercy for a long time now without even realising things had changed.

The atmosphere in the clearing became far less dreamlike and while still beautiful, seemed a fragile kind of beauty to Jizabel now as though one wrong move would shatter all that was good. He focussed his vision from where he had been gazing into the middle distance to see that Cassian had stepped towards him and was watching him carefully. For the first time, Jizabel realised there was something tender about Cassian's eyes and wondered whether they had always looked this way. Unable to draw his eyes away, Jizabel found it hard to believe that he had never noticed it before, never noticed how Cassian's eyes seemed deep as an ocean, warm as a fire but with none of either's cruelty. But these were _Cassandra_'s eyes, surely…and Cassandra had never looked at Jizabel like this.

Something in Jizabel's chest began to feel tight and an electric warmth spread through his nerves. His breath became shallow, his mouth dry and he knew his heart was beating faster than it should. And still he was unable to tear his eyes away. Cassian took another step towards him, until they were close enough to touch and spoke quietly.

"Jizabel?"

Jizabel had never realised his name could be said with such tenderness. Knowing that blood was rushing to his cheeks, Jizabel raised his hands and gripped the front of Cassian's shirt as though there was nothing left anchoring him to the spot.

"Do you…do you think…" Jizabel sopped and took a shaky breath before starting again. "Do you think you're still the same person as you were when we met? After all that's happened?"

Cassian frowned slightly. "I suppose not. I certainly don't _look_ the same."

"But do you feel the same? Do…all the parts of you that make you a good person…are they the same?"

Cassian smiled gently and raised his hands to rest on the backs of Jizabel's own. "Yes, I suppose they are. You can't ever really change the good in someone."

Jizabel shook his head and tightened his grip on the fabric. "No. That can't be true. It _can't_ be. I'm not the same person as I was when we met…but I'm not the person I was as a child either." His voice dropped to a whisper and he closed his eyes, mind assaulted by visions of blood, a knife, darkness and warmth. "Do you think I can ever be a good person?"

Cassian frowned slightly, as though unsure where the question had originated. He moved one hand slowly to come to rest against Jizabel's cheek, one thumb lightly caressing the skin. Jizabel's eyes slammed open and he watched Cassian with uncertain eyes. Cassian smiled gently.

"Jizabel, you _are_ a good person," he said at last. "A person can't be judged on his actions alone, not when they're being steered by someone else. I _know_ you're a good person, I can see it, even under the mask you wear all the time."

"But we've killed so many people…" Jizabel murmured vaguely and Cassian shrugged.

"Yes. But who's judging? There's only me here with you, and I've sinned as much as you. No one else matters."

Jizabel raised his eyes again to see Cassian smiling still. He nodded slowly and thought he could understand. The hand on his cheek was soft, warm, gentle….the warmth seemed to flow straight from Cassian's hand into Jizabel's brain and he felt himself reeling, moving. Another gust of wind shook blossom from the trees and it fell around them like snow. Jizabel closed his eyes, unsure of what to say. His mind was full of images, of half finished scenes; the night in the attic room, the journey on the train, the night previous…and he realised there was nothing he _could_ say, nothing he knew how to articulate. But he could do something else in order to release the twisted knot of emotions that were holding his heart captive.

He leant forward, heart racing, until his lips were ghosting Cassian's. Time seemed to stand still and they stood on the edge of a dizzying precipice. Cassian's breath was warm on Jizabel's lips. After a moment's hesitation, Jizabel moved to close the distance…and was stopped by two firm hands on either side of his face. He opened his eyes in surprise, cheeks blazing. Cassian's eyes were shut and he seemed to be breathing heavily but he shook his head gently as if doing so caused him great pain. When he spoke, his voice was low.

"Don't get lost in a moment, kid," he said slowly. "Don't do something just because it feels right, without thinking it through."

Shocked, ashamed and confused, Jizabel blinked a few times before finding his voice. "Why?"

"Because you're not ready," Cassian replied quietly, lowering his forehead until it was resting against Jizabel's own. "You're not sure if you want this. You're not really sure why we're here at all. You're doing this because you've just discovered something about yourself and because you're grateful, because you don't have the words to say…not because you…not because you want me." He opened his eyes at last and Jizabel was surprised to see that they contained hurt and regret. "You've done nothing wrong, Jizabel."

"Then why…"

"Because this isn't the time. When it…_if_ the time ever comes, you'll know."

"How?"

Cassian smiled and didn't answer, saying only. "Either way, I'll always be here for you, Jizabel. Always."

Cassian finally released Jizabel and stepped away sadly, before turning and leading the way back towards the village with Jizabel following him silently. He was ashamed of what he had done and confused by Cassian's words. As Cassian walked ahead, he fought a sense of regret and could feel an almost physical pain when reliving the memory. Jizabel had actually tried to kiss him, and he had stopped it from happening. Cassian continued walking and prayed that he had done the right thing. He didn't want to see Jizabel hurt…but he also prayed that he would have the chance to kiss him again.

If the chance arose, he knew he would be unable to refuse.

-x-

Compared to the almost agonising slowness of the previous few days, the following week passed more quickly than either Jizabel or Cassian had been hoping. It was their sixth day in the village of Redtree, and they would have to leave the following afternoon. It was strange how attached they had become to the place and how easily they had slipped into a daily routine that was unlike anything either of them had known.

Every morning would begin with a meagre breakfast with the farming family, during which Cassian would talk happily and Jizabel tended to remain silent but feeling quite comfortable nonetheless. After this, Cassian would follow the farmer out to the fields where he helped with anything that needed doing while Jizabel meandered off into the heath to keep up the pretence that he was there studying animals. He had found a clipboard and a pencil in the trunk and so carried this with him although he had never written anything on it when he was alone. He would spend the days wandering, enjoying the area and thinking. They would meet in the evening, eat with the family and then retire to the barn where they would quietly discuss future plans, which now seemed to involve leaving the country entirely. Once the candles had been extinguished, Jizabel would slip into Cassian's bed without fail and ask to be held, and Cassian would oblige. They would never talk about this in the morning and after all, it couldn't mean very much since Jizabel was sleeping better than he had for months.

He had been thinking so much that it was too easy for him to fall asleep at night, his brain wearied from all the work during the day. While he was alone, Jizabel found he finally had time to reflect on all those areas of his life that he had previously refrained from addressing. He thought a lot of his childhood and of the innocence he had once possessed, starting to realise that it had not been foolish but natural. He thought of his father even more but could still form no conclusions. In some way, he _did_ still want Alexis to love him. It was something that would never change. Now at least, he could admit to himself that Alexis was also something that would never change and so write off his wishes as hopeless. In some strange way, this comforted him.

During the long, sunlit walks he also thought of Cain. He founds it hard to hate his brother now, since when he had finally had time to think about it away from Alexis, Delilah and other reminders of his own pain, Jizabel could realise that Cain had suffered terribly also. He may have been the one chosen by their father, but that didn't mean he was any better off. Jizabel had always been jealous of Cain's attachment to Riff…but hadn't Cassian said he would always be there?

Cassian…Cassian was something Jizabel was still afraid to think about. Yet now, during the afternoon of the sixth day, he found he had run out of other topics to pursue. He returned to the blossom-lined lake and settled himself by a tree, prepared to sit there as long as necessary to sort the issue out in his head but no matter how long he sat there, no answers were forthcoming. He could do nothing but relive their moments together. The night in the attic room now seemed like something sacred, something beautiful, the start of something that was frightening but…what? Jizabel didn't know why it felt this way but he did know that he had changed that night and something felt unfinished. A light blush rose in his cheeks as he thought about the last time he had visited this lake…surely _that_ would have finished it? But Cassian had said it wasn't the time…

His brain began to ache and Jizabel abandoned his convoluted train of thought. He sighed in irritation, realising he had wasted his last afternoon here. Gazing across the lake, he slowly removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Darkness had fallen; he hadn't moved in a long time. As he stood up, joints aching, he realised with a pang of guilt that he had probably missed dinner but then shrugged it away. He was surprised by a sudden and almost overwhelming need to see Cassian, which both embarrassed and confused him. Trying to shrug this away as well, he returned to the barn slowly.

He arrived to find it empty and fought against the wave of disappointment that threatened to crash over him. While waiting for Cassian to return and wondering vaguely where he was, Jizabel lit a fire in the small fireplace and sat himself at the table. He sighed impatiently and then silently scolded himself for doing so. Why should he be annoyed that Cassian hadn't returned? Why was he so keen to see him anyway?

And there it was. After a day of trying to find it with no success, the answer presented itself to him. Jizabel was keen to see Cassian not for any practical reason, but simply because he _enjoyed his company_. Jizabel was aware this was a fairly common phrase but he had never experienced it himself before, had never felt so at ease around someone else that he was less comfortable on his own than he was in their presence. Shutting his eyes, Jizabel pictured Cassian and felt the electric warmth rush through his nerves once again. Was that it? He wanted to see Cassian because he provoked some kind of strange biological response? Jizabel let his head fall to the table and cursed the part of him that insisted on being a doctor at all times.

Cassian chose this moment to climb the ladder and appear in the tiny makeshift room. Jizabel raised his head miserably as Cassian approached, ready to blame Cassian for his current headache. Yet instead of anger, Jizabel felt a strange wave of anxiety crash over his senses.

"Sorry I'm late," Cassian said wearily, having not noticed the strange expression forming on Jizabel's face. "I only just finished working. Which is a shame because I…Jizabel? Are you okay?"

Jizabel nodded slowly but continued to stare at Cassian. He was standing a few steps away from the table in a loose fitting white shirt with the sleeves rolled up because of the heat. Rejecting his usual mental defences, Jizabel allowed himself to simply look at the man before him. His pale skin had tanned considerably through working in the fields and he looked healthy, emanating a sense of life that Jizabel had never seen within Delilah. His hair refused to obey him as it had obeyed Cassandra and seemed to fall in every possible angle, long enough now to be deemed improper by society but far from the flamboyant style of its late owner. Jizabel found himself fascinated as Cassian moved to stand beside him, the muscles in his arms moving beneath the skin as he raised a hand to lay it on the back of Jizabel's chair. Jizabel looked into Cassian's eyes and once again felt that strange wrenching in his chest. He fought to draw his gaze away but this only resulted in it travelling elsewhere, sweeping over the defined planes of his cheekbones and coming to rest on his lips, which were parted slightly in confusion.

That was when Jizabel realised the man before him was beautiful. Not in the feminine, elegant sense of the word but in the same sense that the heath or the forest was beautiful, full of life and something innocent, something pure. _That_ was when Jizabel finally knew all the answers. He had left London with Cassian because there was no one else in the world he would rather be with. He had seen the night in the attic room as sacred because it had been the first time he had truly seen Cassian as a person in his own right, as someone Jizabel could respect, rely on…admire.

He stood suddenly, knocking back his chair in the process. Cassian's eyes widened in surprise but he said nothing. Jizabel hesitantly raised a hand and brought it to rest against Cassian's cheek. The skin was warm beneath his trembling fingers and he trailed them slowly across until his fingers came to rest on the soft curve of Cassian's lower lip. Jizabel closed his eyes for a moment; the twisting sensation in his chest was almost painful. When he reopened them, it was to find that Cassian had closed his eyes but still hadn't moved away. With a shock, Jizabel realised that Cassian was letting him control the situation entirely…if he was even in control at all.

Moving the hand on Cassian's lips to rest on one shoulder Jizabel brought his other hand up to rest against Cassian's chest. He could feel the frantic beating of Cassian's heart through the fabric of the shirt and felt a sudden irrational desire to be as close to that pulse as possible. Jizabel deftly undid two of the buttons on Cassian's shirt and closing his eyes in shame slipped a hand beneath the fabric. It felt as though Cassian's skin was on fire.

"Jizabel?"

Cassian's voice was quiet and trembled a little. Jizabel opened his eyes to see Cassian watching him with eyes that seemed to burn with the same heat as his heart. Jizabel swallowed the last few remnants of shame that remained in his mind and squeezed Cassian's shoulder.

"It's okay, Cassian," he said quietly, in a voice which did not sound like his own. "I know now. I know what you meant."

"Then…"

"I want you, Cassian. I want you for everything that makes you who you are. I want you because you're everything I've never been able to be. And…I want you because you want me, too. Isn't that right?"

Raising his eyes to Cassian's, the twisting in Jizabel's chest increased tenfold. Although Cassian's lips remained parted and trembling, his eyes were smiling.

"Yes, Jizabel," he breathed, bringing his own hands around to cup the younger man's cheeks once more. "I want you more than anything else I've ever wanted in my life. I know it might be wrong to think it but-"

"No," Jizabel said quickly. "How can anything that feels like this be wrong?" He stopped speaking and smiled slightly, before removing his glasses with the hand that had been resting on Cassian's shoulder and letting them fall to the floor. In the flickering light cast by the fire, Cassian was sure he had never seen anyone who looked so much like an angel. He smiled and slowly brought his lips to rest against Jizabel's forehead, trailing one of his hands in the younger mans hair.

"You're beautiful," he whispered without really knowing why.

Jizabel's eyes widened in surprise; the last time he had heard such words had been from the lips of Cassandra. However…things were different now. He smiled faintly and murmured,

"Thank you." Jizabel closed his eyes once again and tilted his face upwards, breathing shallow and nervous.

Once Cassian's lips had met with his own, all nervousness disappeared. His lips were soft but pressed firmly against his own once Jizabel did not flinch away. Slipping his other hand under Cassian's shirt also, Jizabel parted his lips slightly and let himself be consumed by Cassian's warmth. They kissed slowly, hesitantly at first but the kiss soon deepened and it seemed to Jizabel as though there was a fire in his veins that had been lying dormant, only needing Cassian to start burning. Cassian's taste was intoxicating and it was all Jizabel could do to hold onto what remained of his self-control as Cassian gently brushed his tongue against Jizabel's lower lip. Determined to not let himself be overwhelmed again, Jizabel parted his lips fully and slipped his own tongue into Cassian's mouth, eliciting a small noise that was somewhere between a moan and a sigh.

Jizabel was overwhelmed and time lost all its meaning. The world became nothing but warmth, a sparking, electric heat that seared through his nerves…but the world came crashing back as he felt his back hit the floor with a thud, sending shocks of pain out from his healing wounds. Cassian pulled away sharply and began to apologise but was cut off by Jizabel firmly resuming the kiss, murmuring something that could have been 'it doesn't matter' but didn't really sound like words at all. Not breaking the kiss, Cassian unbuttoned Jizabel's shirt with shaking fingers and pushed it away from his chest before running his hands slowly down the flesh, feeling Jizabel shiver beneath him.

Without really knowing what he was doing, Cassian let one hand trail lower and brush the edge of Jizabel's trousers while the other swept lightly over his nipples, causing a shudder to run through the younger man. Breaking the kiss for a moment, Cassian rested his mouth against Jizabel's neck.

"Are you…sure?" he murmured with difficulty. "Are you sure…you want…this? Even after…Cassan-"

"I'm sure," Jizabel said quickly, managing to control his voice better than Cassian. "This is different. Never compare yourself to him again."

Cassian nodded, feeling both relieved and frightened before losing himself once again as Jizabel moved his head to place a gentle kiss against his collarbone. Cassian bit his lip to keep from making a noise and then licked a slow line over the shell of Jizabel's ear.

"Okay."

They discarded their clothes without ceremony, too intent on the feel of each other to really think about it at all. They stood before the fire and slowly ran their hands over one another's scars as though this was something that needed to be done. After this, Jizabel seemed to come to himself again and began running his hands over Cassian's flesh slowly, exploring every inch of his upper body. Cassian's eyes fluttered shut as Jizabel dropped to his knees and began to follow the lines his hands were making with his mouth, and a small moan escaped his lips.

"Jizabel, wait," he said gently, before dropping to his knees also and kissing the younger man deeply. "What do you…what do we…"

"I want you," Jizabel said simply. "Is that so hard to understand?" With these words he simultaneously kissed Cassian softly and let one of his hands trail low enough to brush across Cassian's stomach. It trailed lower, and Jizabel grasped Cassian gently without any trace of shame. Moaning again, Cassian shook his head.

"No. Not hard…. to understand ….at all."

Looking back, Jizabel regarded the rest of the evening as chaos. They lost their sense of order and progression and suddenly hands were roaming everywhere, mouths seemed permanently open and before long they were stretched out on the rug before the fire, pressed against each other fully. Jizabel could feel Cassian's pulse thumping against his own. He lifted his hips slightly, pressing their groins together with a burst of heat.

"Now, Cassian."

Still, Cassian seemed unsure. Despite the crimson fog filling his brain, despite the fire surging through his blood, he still hesitated.

"But-"

"_Please_."

If Jizabel had said anything else, Cassian may not have given in but as it was, the younger mans voice was quiet, the word more of a gasp than speech. He cupped Cassian's chin in one hand and stared at him through half lidded eyes.

"Please, Cassian," he whispered. "No one….I have never asked anyone…anyone but you."

Cassian was powerless to disobey. The mist filling his brain took control of his body and he began to prepare Jizabel as quickly as he dared, not wanting to hurt the younger man in any way. But nails clawing down his back and a tongue running across his throat urged him onward and he soon pressed himself into Jizabel. They moaned loudly together, eyes squeezed shut, skin damp with sweat.

"Jizabel…" Cassian murmured, grasping a fistful of silvery hair. Jizabel's only answer was to moan again as Cassian began to move, words beyond him.

Their bodies were bathed in firelight as they moved together, pace quickening, short breaths turning to gasps and then moans, incoherent words passing swollen lips. Before long the sensation became overwhelming and everything blended into one; the flames, the feel of each other's hands, the taste of each other's mouths, the heavenly heat that balanced on the border between intense pleasure and pain. Hair splayed out across the floorboards, Jizabel was the first to lose control and clutched at Cassian as his body shuddered and shook, each nerve ending on fire. The sight of Jizabel losing control caused Cassian to follow him over the edge, who sank his teeth deeply into Jizabel's shoulder in order to stop himself from crying out loud enough to be heard.

After their breathing had slowed a little, Cassian rolled away from Jizabel and collapsed onto the floor, pulling the younger man over to lay against him. Jizabel's eyes were closed and his lips were red and swollen. Cassian smiled a little and opened his mouth to tell Jizabel how beautiful he was but what he said was,

"I love you."

Jizabel remained silent, his breathing now regular and his body curled onto one side. Cassian realised that he must be asleep and so smiled a little, both relieved and disappointed that he hadn't heard. After a few moments, he walked to the bed and retrieved some blankets and cushions, before making a makeshift bed before the fire and manoeuvring Jizabel into it. Once he was sure Jizabel hadn't awoken, he ran a hand through the silvery hair gently.

"I love you," he said again, "more than anything," and then closed his eyes and felt sleep overwhelm him.

-x-

***blushes* I know, it could have been worse… I hope the 'male/male physical bonding' in this chapter did not offend/annoy/bore you. I tried to keep it short. But since they took 9 chapter to get here….**

**The angst comes back tenfold next chapter :D So enjoy this while you can, neh? Lyrics at the start from The River by Breed 77.**

**Please review sweeties ^^**


	10. Poison My Heart

**A/N I'm rather excited about this chapter…this is the scene that came to me first and inspired the rest of this fic – which s over a year old now, don'cha know. I'm working hard on finishing it now, only 2 chapters left after this one. **

**Thank you to Suni, Savvi and DarkAngelJudas for still showing their support for this monster, I love you all. And check out the first page of Godchild fics – long live the Jizabel/Cassian Invasion!**

**Anywho….on with the drama, neh? After the smoosh of last chapter, it may come as a shock..**

* * *

_I try to kill you with your poison love  
Falling in darkness  
Hope you try to kill me and poison my heart  
Drowning in darkness  
Hope_

Cassian awoke to the cold, sharp pain of a blade being pressed against his throat.

Without opening his eyes, he reacted purely out of instinct, throwing one arm up to push the knife away while kicking out in front of him. There was a gasp as his feet slammed into his assailant and then the distant sound of something heavy landing in the hay of the barn below. Cassian opened his eyes, heart racing and jumped to his feet. His attacker was nowhere to be seen and Cassian realised that he must have kicked them over the edge of the hayloft that the room was built in. This gave him a moment to think.

_Who had attacked him_? Well, that was easy to work out. It must be an assassin sent by Delilah; Cassian could think of no one else who would wish him harm in the village and cursed his own foolishness bitterly. If only the assassin had waited a few hours, and they would have left the village already. Cassian reached the realisation that he would have to kill whoever had attacked them and was shocked that he felt no regret at this decision. How dare they come here and try to take away Jizabel's happiness again…

Cassian's eyes widened in shock.

_Jizabel. Where was Jizabel?_

His eyes scanned the small room frantically but the doctor wasn't there. They had fallen asleep together, hadn't they? Where would he have gone? Cassian's heart seemed to skip a beat as a horrible thought crossed his mind; _what if they had got to Jizabel first?_ He scanned the room again, desperately searching for signs of a struggle or violence but could see nothing. The only things out of place in the room were his own clothes, left lying in a heap on the floor from the previous night. Cassian froze as another realisation hit him.

His clothes were scattered on the floor. _His_ clothes. Not Jizabel's. If the doctor had been attacked would he have had time to get dressed? Cassian knew the man was finicky but that seemed a little too extreme…Feeling as though his heart had lodged in his throat, Cassian walked towards the edge of the hayloft, feet as heavy as lead. He peered downwards. The barn was almost dark, coloured a strange shade of grey in the early morning light that filtered through the holes in the roof, but it was not too dark to see. What Cassian saw now made him clench his fists in anger, his jaw slack in disbelief, and his eyes wide and full of pain.

As he looked down, he could see Jizabel climbing out of a pile of hay with difficulty. A knife was clasped in his hand, a knife that glinted red where it had cut deep enough to draw blood. As he gazed up at Cassian, his eyes were cold and cruel. Yet, despite this and despite the way that his heart felt as if it was breaking, Cassian still thought Jizabel was beautiful.

Jizabel turned to leave and Cassian bolted for the ladder, grazing his feet and legs as he scurried down.

"Wait!" he called desperately, hating the way his voice sounded. "Jizabel!"

To Cassian's relief, Jizabel turned back towards him, knife held at his side loosely. He said nothing, simply stared at Cassian with an apathy that chilled him. Jizabel looked…. different. He was still dressed in the ill fitting clothes they had stolen and although his hair was pulled back it was unkempt but….this was not the man Cassian had made love to the night before. This man's eyes were cold, his mouth set in a sharp line, his posture tense and defensive.

"What do you want to say to me?" Jizabel said sharply and all the softness that had crept into his voice over the past week had vanished. His voice now was haughty, irritated, uncaring…Cassian could remember, now, why he had hated Jizabel when they first met. Then, he had believed the doctor had no trace of humanity in him whatsoever, was a monster in human form. Now, Cassian wondered whether all his memories were a dream because the man before him certainly did not fit in with them.

Cassian raised a hand to his neck and encountered the warm wetness of blood. He became painfully aware that he was naked, vulnerable and terrified. The eyes before him could kill him in an instant…and Cassian would not have the heart to fight back. Not anymore.

"Why?" he said quietly, voice shaking. "Why did you…after everything that's happened!" His voice became suddenly stronger and hysteria threatened to engulf him. For so long, Cassian had fought to remain calm and controlled in front of Jizabel for fear of hurting him but he could stand it no longer. "I know you weren't…you weren't pretending last night. I haven't lied to you, not in any way. Why would you want to throw this away? Were you really trying to kill me?"

"Enough," Jizabel said sharply, stopping the torrent of questions that Cassian wanted to ask. "That's enough." He took a few steps forward so that he was standing just in front of Cassian, who noticed with a shock that the doctor seemed to have difficulty walking. A burst of guilt hit him – was this _his_ fault? Had he been hasty? Was this all because of…

"You once told me something," Jizabel said gently, eyes lowered. "You told me that the good in a person could never be changed. And do you know what? I believed you. Foolishly. How could something as fragile as _goodness_ be indestructible? The good in me was lost long ago, and in you too. You'll deny it, but can you really claim that the good in you is the same as it was when you were a child, before you knew of your growth defect?" Cassian remained silent and Jizabel nodded. "No, I didn't think you could. You see, I've been thinking about it and it makes more sense to me that if there is one part of a person that never changes, it would not be the good in them at all. It would be the evil."

He took another step towards Cassian, smiling like a predator and Cassian felt the sudden urge to scream, to beg the monster before him to return the Jizabel he loved. But no…that wasn't true, was it? Jizabel had always been like this, _always_, up until this week. This didn't comfort him – Cassian knew that this wasn't the real Jizabel, even if it was the side of him most people saw. It couldn't be.

"So yes, Cassian, I was trying to kill you," Jizabel continued. "Why? For two reasons. One would be to repay you." Here, Jizabel raised the knife up to his own neck and gently traced a cut that had almost healed, the wound that Cassian had inflicted while standing on the steps of Westminster Abbey. It seemed like a lifetime ago, now. "The other would be for revenge."

"Revenge?" Cassian whispered, feeling giddy as though he had strayed into a world of nightmares.

"Yes. Isn't that how it's supposed to go? The son avenges the damage inflicted upon the father?"

It was at that moment that Cassian realised he had lost. Alexis. It always came back to Alexis. If Jizabel was still bound by some sick sense of loyalty to that monster, then Cassian had no chance. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he went to touch Jizabel's shoulder, only to have his arm pushed away forcefully.

"How can you even say that?" Cassian said, voice low and angry. "How can you even _think_ of that man after everything he put you through?"

Eyes lowered to the ground, looking nervous for the first time since he had been confronted, Jizabel's voice took on a strange childish tone. "He's my father," he whispered. "He loves me."

"No, Jizabel, _I_ love you!" Cassian shouted, finally losing all of his self-control. "Not him, _me_. And do you know what? I'm the only one! I'm the only one that loves you _because_ of this ridiculous attitude of yours! You're not a child anymore! You don't _need_ a father!"

"_I don't need anyone!"_ Jizabel hissed and Cassian shook his head sadly.

"You might not, Jizabel. But I do. I need _you._ I love you. There's nothing else in this world worth loving."

Jizabel was silent for a moment. Cassian trembled breathing heavily, legs feeling as though they would buckle under him at any minute. Jizabel slowly raised his head and for an instant, Cassian saw the man he had fallen asleep beside. A man who was gentle, a man who had surrendered his pride in order to embrace something he didn't understand…someone fragile.

"Do you?" Jizabel whispered and then gave a small, unnatural laugh. "Do you really love me? _Can_ you love me? How can you love somebody who has sinned as much as I have? Even last night…that was my fault. I forced you to add another crime against God to your list-"

"Bullshit!" Cassian yelled. "That's not the truth and you _know_ it isn't!"

Jizabel shook his head and then locked gazes with Cassian, who watched as the softness in those amethyst orbs melted away to be replaced by coldness, as sharp as broken glass.

"You can't love me Cassian," he said simply.

"Why?" Cassian breathed.

Jizabel gave a half smile and turned to leave. "Because you've never hurt me."

Cassian's eyes widened and he stepped forward after the doctor, once again raising a hand to stop him from leaving. There was a blur of movement and Cassian found the knife pressed against his throat once again.

"Touch me again, and I _will_ kill you," Jizabel hissed.

"I thought you were going to kill me anyway."

Jizabel remained silent but didn't draw the knife away.

"Then do it, Jizabel," Cassian whispered. "If you want to kill me, just _kill_ me."

Jizabel shook his head and took a sep back with a scowl. He turned to leave and began to walk quickly away, leaving Cassian standing alone, open mouthed.

"Jizabel!" he shouted after the retreating figure. "Do you love me?"

He paused in his walking a moment and turned his head to the side. After a long moment of silence he started walking again and left the barn, closing the large door behind him with a soft thud. Cassian stood in the darkness for a few minutes, wanting to follow but finding himself unable to move. He didn't want to let Jizabel go, but at the same time, didn't want to hurt himself any more by following him. After a while, he sank to his knees in the hay and began to sob softly, part of him wishing earnestly that Jizabel had killed him.

-x-

_I live under your curse  
I live eternally damned for you_

-x-

Jizabel walked slowly and calmly to the small train station, back down the winding lane through the heath that had looked so daunting on the first night in the village. It was beautiful in the morning light, a vast expanse of green studded with tiny purple flowers like jewels. Part of Jizabel's mind registered this beauty but forgot about it instantaneously. He tried not to think, focussing on the process of walking rather than the destination.

He reached the station without incident and found a small, wizened porter standing on the platform. When asked which ticket he was buying, Jizabel wondered vaguely whether anyone would notice if he killed the man…but he didn't feel able to kill. Not here. Not in this village. Instead, he handed the surprised porter the bloodied knife. It was of a good make and would cover the cost of his ticket to London, while also ensuring the porter left him alone while he waited for the train. Jizabel stood while he waited, eyes staring straight ahead, mind blank. The train arrived after a few minutes and Jizabel boarded, calmly walking along the interior of the train until he found an empty carriage. He shut the door firmly behind him, drew the curtains across the viewing panel in the door and sat down.

Then he allowed himself to fall apart.

Jizabel hunched forward, trembling hands coming up to cover his face as he drew deep shaking breaths. Tears began coursing down his cheeks and he remembered that the last time he had cried had been back in Delilah, just before Cassian came to take him away…

Body now convulsing with great, wracking sobs, Jizabel murmured incoherently to himself and rocked backwards and forwards. Part of his mind shook its head at this behaviour. It was ridiculous, getting so worked up. It wasn't as though he had never hurt anyone before, so why should he be upset? This part of him felt as though a madness had descended and taken hold of his heart for the past week and was relieved that some semblance of sanity had returned at last. It shuddered when remembering the events of the night previous, felt ashamed at the words it had spoken, felt sick at the emotions it had thought itself able to feel. But…

Jizabel stopped sobbing and turned to gaze out of the window, watching the countryside flash by. He ignored the sensible, rational part of his mind and felt guilty, lost and afraid. Lonely, even. He regretted not answering Cassian in the barn and answered each of his questions in a whisper, as though this would solve everything and make him feel less guilty.

Why?

"Because I was afraid. Because I felt more vulnerable than I ever had before. Because you were kind to me and I don't know how to respond. And…because it's true, the evil in someone is indestructible and if I didn't hurt you now, I was going to eventually. It's in my nature…like father like son… and the longer I stayed living in this dream world the more it would hurt to give it all up."

It was so easy to answer, now, so easy to speak the words that could have changed everything that it made him feel sick. What was he doing, leaving now?

_I know you weren't pretending last night._

"No," Jizabel breathed. "I wouldn't even know how to pretend."

Why would you want to throw this away?

"It hurts less than trying to understand."

Were you really trying to kill me?

"No. I was trying to kill the part of me that…" Jizabel took a breath shakily, suddenly nervous as though Cassian was still there to hear him. "The part of me that…wanted you. Still wants you. The part of me that makes no sense."

_How can you even think of that man after everything he put you through?_

"How could I not think of him?" Jizabel asked the air. "He owns my soul, he made me the way I am. Even know…how can I…" He stopped speaking, unable to find words even to himself regarding his father. He felt as though his whole life had been spent living for Alexis, living under his rules, his wishes, his desires…and so trying to live for his own both terrified and upset him. It felt like betrayal, even though Jizabel knew it shouldn't.

_Do you love me?_

Jizabel stared out of the window for several minutes, trying to sort through the mess of emotions that were storming through him. Did he love Cassian? What was love, anyway? Jizabel thought of Cain and of Riff, of their ridiculous devotion to one another. Love meant wanting to do anything for another individual? Or that ones life could not continue without another individual? Neither of these applied to Jizabel, they couldn't, or he wouldn't have been sitting on that train. But…

He remembered how foolishly Riff had acted when trying to return to Cain after being poisoned, how both of them acted irrationally for the other. So…love made a person act against their better judgement? Jizabel thought back to the barn, to how his heart had hammered in his chest when Cassian had asked him and how he had been unable to answer… There were no grey areas. It should be yes or no. So why had he not answered in the negative?

Before he could stop them, memories assaulted Jizabel's mind from the night before. Heat. Pain. Chaos. But…pleasure too. And tenderness. Cassian had always been gentle with him, even then. No one had ever been gentle with Jizabel before and so he had assumed it was something not to be valued but…perhaps…love wasn't about pain, wasn't about burning your emotions so deeply into someone that they scarred. Perhaps it was about being gentle and patient. Forgiving. Jizabel remembered Cassian's face as he had left, an expression of mixed disbelief and sorrow, but not anger. He had still seemed gentle, standing in the darkness with blood running down his bare chest…

_Do you love me?_

"Yes," Jizabel whispered softly, eyes wide with shock. "Yes…but it changes nothing. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Cassian…"

The train pulled into another station and a young woman with a small child entered Jizabel's carriage. He sat up straight quickly, turning so that the woman could not see the tears in his eyes. He dug his nails into his palms and forced himself to stop thinking. Regrets were useless, now. For better or for worse, Jizabel was returning to London because he could think of nothing else to do.

It was better this way, surely…better to return to his own living hell than stay and drag Cassian down with him. And yet, Jizabel still felt alone and lost and afraid. It was too late to go back, and Jizabel knew he was being catapulted from a dream world into one populated by nightmares.

The child in the carriage began screaming and crying, claiming that it was bored of the journey already.

"Sorry about this, sir," the woman said to him "I bet you can't wait for this journey to be over."

"Oh no," Jizabel said softly, eyes never leaving the window. "On the contrary, I wouldn't mind if this journey lasted forever."

* * *

**Please review sweeties! I'm getting sad now we're so close to the end. *Sniffle* I hope you don't all hate me for ruining their happiness so quickly XD**

**Lyrics at the start from And God's Ocean, the ones in the middle from Sacrificial Lamb both by Lacrimas Profundere – the songs that made me write this. I hope you see why it was called what it was now…but there'll be more explanation at the end so no worries. **


	11. Kill Me

_**A/N – **__This is the penultimate chapter and my favourite part of this whole story. I know it's very long but really, it wouldn't work split into two. I don't really know how to introduce this one, it's so important...I'll just let you read. Inspired by the song Hand of Sorrow by Within Temptation and the lyrics at the start and end are from that song. I recommend you listen to it at some point as it's beautiful._

_-x-_

Chapter Eleven - Kill Me

_He's torn between his honour and the true love of his life._

_He prayed for both, but was denied._

"Leaving without saying goodbye, huh?"

Cassian turned to see the figure of farmer Richard standing in the centre of the dusty road, one hand raised in greeting. Cassian opened his mouth to speak but could find no words to say. Instead, he stood motionless while the farmer walked slowly towards him.

"So," he said when they were level. "Is that what you're doin'?"

Cassian expelled a breath he hadn't been aware of holding and shrugged. When he spoke, his voice was cracked and hoarse.

"I don't really know what I'm doing at all, if I'm honest."

The farmer threw a companionable arm around Cassian's shoulders and led him to the side of the road, where they sat down. Cassian stared ahead but saw nothing, trunk slung carelessly on the ground before him. Despite having only known him for a week, the farmer could see a change had come over Cassian. Out in the fields, he had always been lively, friendly, passionate even. He had acted as though he had everything to live for, and was keen to meet the future head on. Now...His face was pale and his hands shook. When he moved it was without grace or energy, and his voice was void of emotion. It was as though he now had nothing to live for, and didn't care whether the future arrived or not.

"What happened?" the farmer asked gently. Cassian shrugged again.

"I...I don't really know, Richard. And I'm sorry if I hurt you by just attempting to leave. It wasn't intentional."

"No harm done, lad," the older man said, smiling. "A lotta people who stay here just up an' leave without a word. I just didn't expect it from you, is all. You've been a real pleasure to have around. A breath of fresh air." Here the farmer paused and glanced sidelong at Cassian, as though weighing his reaction. "You and that doctor of yours."

Cassian's eyes widened and he sighed. "Yes," he said gently. "Thank you."

"Where is he, if you don't mind my askin'?"

Cassian bit his lip and his hands twitched nervously. "He...uh...if you'll believe me, I don't really know that either."

Richard smiled. "I know lad, I know. He left this morning, didn't he?"

"How did you-"

"The porter down at the station told me, so calm down," he said as gently as possible. "No one's been spyin' on you. Doctor Stone gave the porter quite a fright. Bought his ticket with a bloodstained knife, he did. A ticket to London."

"London..." Cassian repeated softly. "I should have known...I _did_ know, but...London. Stupid child."

"You're not followin' him, then?" Richard asked, a sly note creeping into his tone.

"I don't know that, either." Cassian shook his head and opened his mouth to continue, then hesitated as if unsure. After a moment, he closed his eyes and continued speaking, the words tumbling out quickly and desperately, words that he obviously needed to say but hadn't had anyone to say them to. "I don't think I am, you know. After all this time...there's no point in chasing him anymore. I spent so long looking out for him. I risked _everything_ for him. Everything. The past few days, I really thought I had achieved something, that we were free...but no. I don't suppose he'll ever be free. I thought that once he knew how I...once he knew how _he_....once he _knew_, things would be okay. I don't know if it's worth going after him now."

"But do you want to?"

Cassian looked up sharply, eyes wide. The farmer was watching him quietly, sympathy written into his every feature.

"Do you want to go after him, I mean. Where else will you go?"

"We were going to leave the country..." Cassian said in a broken voice. Richard continued.

"Look, lad. I don't know anything about this situation you're in, but I'm not stupid and I can tell that you two are not what you seem. There's no way in hell those good ol' country names you gave us are real and I can't see you ever being some doctor's assistant. I want to help you, lad. I do. Would you mind telling me a little about yourself?"

Cassian smiled gently, completely taken aback by the farmer's attitude. After a few moments, he shrugged.

"Sure. It doesn't matter, now. Even if someone comes looking for us, it won't matter if you tell them where we are. You were right, those names we told you aren't real, we're not visiting the country to look at animals...though I _was_ his assistant. We...we were running away."

"From?"

"An organisation. It's safer if you don't know. We were running away from them so that he could stop hurting. They were always hurting him...so I wanted to set him free. We came here to hide while we made plans but this morning...he decided to go back. He rejected everything I told him over the past week and went _back_. What am I meant to do?"

"You two..." Richard lowered his voice, "You two were, uh, involved, yes?"

Cassian's eyes widened but before he could speak, Richard continued. "Don't worry, lad. In this part of the world, we're more compassionate than the folk you're used to up in London. So, that's a yes, if I'm not mistaken? That doctor means something special to you."

Cassian nodded slowly, unused to the feeling that he could trust this man, whom he had known for hardly any time at all._ Although, _he thought vaguely_, it doesn't really matter now. I don't even know how to start imagining a future without Jizabel, so even if this man betrays me it won't mean anything at all. _

"I know what you should do," Richard said slowly, patting Cassian's arm firmly but not without sympathy. "It seems clear to me, that when a man cares about somethin', no matter who or what that somethin' may be, he has a duty and a right to follow it to the ends of the earth. Don't you think so?"

For a few moments, Cassian was silent, eyes unfocussed and his mind whirring. He had not truly considered the possibility of his actually following Jizabel back to London, back into the jaws of danger. He had not really considered anything at all. Now, the farmer's honest words broke through the daze that had settled over him.

"But," he said at length. "If I go back there, it's very likely that they are going to kill me."

"And?" Richard asked sharply. "You said yourself that you'd risked everything for him before, yes? So what's stopping you from doing it this time? If you don't mind me saying, lad, you look...well, when I first saw you walkin' down this road I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't laying eyes upon a dead man. Would you be able to go on living _not_ following him?"

Cassian stared at the man for a full minute, fingers idly plucking at the grass on the bank. He then looked around them, gazing out over the sweeping green and purple carpet of the heath, the blue sky, the tiny village just visible on the horizon. Even now, it was beautiful. The world was full of such beauty, and yet he was considering going back to a place that wanted to end it all? He must be a madman, and Jizabel even moreso.

_No._

Cassian smiled gently. No. He wasn't mad. The world was beautiful and Delilah was a living hell – that was precisely why he had to take Jizabel away, to show him that there was something worth living for. Cassian knew he could never truly appreciate all this beauty on his own.

"I think you're right," he said slowly, turning to see a smile spreading across the farmer's features. "Yes. I need to go back."

-x-

The Hermit entered the room of his office, arms loaded with a stack of jumbled papers and notes. A moment later, the notes were strewn all over the floor and lay unheeded as the small man stood staring at the person before him.

"Jizabel!" he cried, eyes wide. "You...but...what..._you're back!"_

Jizabel smiled thinly at the old man's confusion and continued sorting through the notes before him.

"Yes, it seems that I am."

"But..." Zenopia glanced at the papers in Jizabel's hands. "What are you doing?"

"Sorting through all the notes you have taken in the past week," Jizabel replied calmly. "I want to know what's been happening in my absence. Nothing of use, it seems..."

Ignoring the last remark, Zenopia frowned. "Sorting through notes? But...that's not important. Jizabel, what happened to you? You vanished suddenly and no one seems to know why. I heard that the Cardmaster was injured by someone, and some of the trump cards are saying it was Cassian! Where did you go? Why did you leave? Was it really Cassian? _What happened?_"

Jizabel slowly sorted the notes he was holding into a tidy pile and stood up, before turning to face Zenopia. He cast his eyes towards the floor and spoke in a voice void of emotion.

"After I spoke to you on that day a week ago, the Cardmaster decided to punish me for my disobedience. While he was doing so, Cassian arrived and...attacked the Cardmaster. Once he was unconscious, Cassian forced me to leave with him. He took me to some place in the countryside where he held me captive. I could have escaped but decided to stay in order to see if he was planning any sort of insurrection...once it became clear he wasn't I freed myself and returned here."

Zenopia blinked owlishly at him, sensing something was amiss.

"Is that really what happened, Jizabel? I once told you that you could trust me, and I meant what I said."

Jizabel raised his eyes to meet the gaze of the old man and smiled weakly.

"Yes, that's exactly what happened. At least, that's exactly what the Cardmaster is going to believe happened."

"So what..."

Jizabel watched the Hermit for a few moments, trying to measure whether he could trust the man or not. His features softened, the smile slipped from his lips and he once again lowered his eyes to the floor as he spoke.

"While the Cardmaster was punishing me, Cassian broke in, that's true. But he did so in order to stop what was happening to me. He knocked the Cardmaster unconscious. Someone had heard and began approaching and...we ran away. Together. I wasn't sure why I was doing so, even then, but it seemed the right thing to do. We chose some small place in the country where we could hide for a while and decide what to do next. While we were there...I confess, Zenopia, I think I may have lost my mind. Everything was different. So different from here. This morning I awoke and...I came to my senses. What we were doing was foolish, dangerous...so I came back. Partly because I thought that maybe if I returned they would stop searching for Cassian. Partly because...I've never known anything except this world. This is _my _world. The world we were trying to run to...was strange. It didn't make sense. It was..._better_ to return."

"Jizabel..." Zenopia said slowly, brow still furrowed in consternation. "You can't mean that, can you? That this world could be better than something? This place...why would you come back here? As far as I know, no one was searching for you. You would have been free..."

Jizabel dropped his voice to a whisper. "I have something else to confess. Ever since I boarded the train back to London, I've been wondering...did I lose my mind when I decided to leave with Cassian, or did I go insane when I decided to turn my back on him and come here?"

Sharp footsteps echoing down the corridor leading to their office silenced Zenopia's response. The two doctors shared a look which told both they would keep their silence over Jizabel's last confession. In a few moments, Alexis appeared in the doorway, as he had a week ago, a self-satisfied smirk twisting his features. Only this time, he was walking with the aid of a cane, and his nose was slanted to one side.

"Ah, so you have finally decided to return to us, Jizabel. How kind."

Jizabel forced himself to raise his eyes to meet his father's, feeling the familiar wave of fear, confusion and vulnerability that would wash over him whenever those dark, piercing eyes were locked on his own. He repeated his story to Alexis in the same emotionless manner with which he had addressed Zenopia at first, making sure that he did not drop his eyes to the floor or show any sign of outward weakness. When he finished his story, Alexis' face became carefully blank.

"Hm, is that so?" he said slowly. "So, I suppose the boy is of no danger to us any longer."

Jizabel fought to suppress the rush of hope that filled him at these words but when Alexis smiled slightly, he knew he had failed. His father continued, smile growing as he spoke.

"I have one problem with this..._account_, Jizabel. I remember it like it was yesterday, you see. Once the boy broke in to my chamber and attacked me, it was several minutes before I was incapacitated completely, and during that time _you did not help me_." He raised an eyebrow. "And why was that, Jizabel?"

Jizabel lowered his eyes involuntarily, cursing his weakness. He had been able to lie and cheat his way through the minds and emotions of hundreds of people before, without them ever once suspecting him. If only he could exercise such self control when faced with this man. He frantically constructed an excuse.

"I was too weak," he said gently and before he could stop himself added bitterly, "you see, it's rather hard to muster physical strength after one has suffered a thrashing, Cardmaster."

Alexis's lips twisted into a scowl and he opened his mouth to retort, when a young man ran into the room frantically.

"Cardmaster!" he said breathlessly, ignoring the others. "We've captured the traitor!"

"What?" Alexis snapped, tearing his eyes away from his sons angrily.

"The renegade, Cassian!" the trump card said quickly. "He just walked into the building! The Moon and The Owl are taking him to your chambers now, my lord!"

A slow, satisfied smile spread across Alexis face as he regarded the messenger. Without turning, he said "Brilliant news. Time to test the validity of this story of yours, hm Jizabel?"

His words fell on deaf ears as Jizabel had already turned away and began running down the corridor, acting purely on instinct. He knew that he had been the one to leave. He knew he had threatened Cassian. And most clearly of all, he knew now that he had been wrong. He burst through the doors of the Cardmasters chamber with a crash, eyes wild and white coat tiles fanning out around him. Once in the room, he stopped dead, eyes riveted on the trio standing in the centre of the chamber. The Owl, smiling slightly as usual, perpetually amused by others misfortune. The Moon, grim and stern looking, waiting for her master. And then...

He looked different. Calm. Jizabel was perplexed and wondered whether Cassian had lost his mind; who would return here after everything Jizabel had said and then stand there _smiling_? That gentle smile of his that urged Jizabel to forget the pain, the danger...but this time, he couldn't forget. He could hear Alexis approaching.

"Cassian," Jizabel said quietly, voice echoing around the large room. "You...why? Why are you here?"

"Where else would I be?" he replied gently. "If you're here Jizabel, there's nowhere else I would rather be. I came with the intention of taking you away again but..." he glanced at his guards and then gave Jizabel a sad smile. "I suppose it didn't work out this time, did it?"

Jizabel opened his mouth to speak but couldn't find the words to say. He was spared having to try as he was pushed out of the way roughly by Alexis, whose eyes were blazing with anger. Before Jizabel could even think of protesting, Cassian was on the floor, wincing as Alexis rained blow after blow upon him. Jizabel found himself unable to move, although his hands were trembling with some confused tangle of emotions he couldn't name. Once Cassian was visibly bleeding in several places, his breathing shallow and broken with pain, Alexis stepped away. A trump card approached and placed an object in his hand.

Jizabel felt as though he had strayed into some terrible nightmare; it was as though he was watching his own life from the outside, a curious sense of horrified déjà vu. As Cassian struggled to his feet and turned to face Alexis, the Cardmaster grasped the handle of his whip lovingly. And smiled.

Cassian scowled in answer but said nothing. A heavy silence settled over the room for a few moments before being sliced apart by the cold voice of the Cardmaster.

"You still have the nerve to face me like that, after all you've done?" Alexis said slowly. When Cassian didn't reply, he continued. "Oh well, no matter. You're here, and that is important indeed. You see, Jizabel told me a little story only a moment ago. He told me that _you_ forced him to leave London with you in order to hold him captive." Alexis smirked as Cassian's eyes widened almost imperceptibly. "Yes, shocking isn't it? But you see, I am far more inclined to believe one of my Major Arcana than I am to believe you. Do you have anything to say in your defense?" A long silence. "Did you or did you not kidnap Jizabel?"

Cassian turned his head slightly and caught Jizabel's eye. He smiled slightly and then turned back to Alexis.

"I agree with anything and everything Jizabel has told you," he said calmly. "And I will not answer any of your questions."

Alexis scowled. "We'll see. Remove your shirt."

To everyone's surprise, Cassian did so willingly. Jizabel took the moment to glance around the room and was surprised to find two pairs of eyes trained on himself, rather than Cassian. Zenopia was watching him carefully, as though trying to gauge his reactions. The other watcher was The Owl, whose eyes were void of emotion but scared Jizabel nonetheless. It felt as though he was being tested...and failing. With a shock, Jizabel realised that Alexis had been speaking and he hadn't been paying attention, and turned back to the scene before him. He gasped when he saw what was happening now and the sense of déjà vu became stronger than ever.

Cassian, hands gripping the edges of the same low chair that Jizabel knew so well. Alexis, standing poised, whip curling around his feet like a well trained serpent. Silence. Tension. A sense of timelessness, as though this moment would last forever, suspended, the waiting more painful than the whip...

Or at least, it always _had_ been more painful for Jizabel. Now, as the whip sailed through the air with a silken sound and sliced its way through the soft, pale skin of the man kneeling in the centre of the room, Jizabel felt pain of a kind he had never hitherto experienced. In the silence that followed that dreadful noise, all Jizabel could hear were Cassian's shallow breaths and his own blood pounding in his ears, more moved now than he had ever been for himself.

"Bastard," Cassian said suddenly, his voice shaky but still strong. "Do you think that something like _this_ is enough to make me change my mind?"

Barely a second passed before Alexis was once again swinging the whip and marking Cassian's flesh, time after time after time. It seemed never ending and yet Cassian didn't cry out. Jizabel felt as though his knees would give way. It was as though he was watching himself, reliving all the countless times he had knelt in that spot and shed his blood while shrinking into himself and never making a sound. For every laceration that tore through Cassian's skin, Jizabel felt ten strokes through his own. Pressure seemed to build behind his eyes until his vision blurred and his ears rang, part of him wanting to rush forward and stop this cruelty and part of him saying that it was insanity to show weakness, that pride was everything and Cassian was nothing. The voices whirled around in his head, yelling, screaming, crying, shrieking until...

He cried out. Once. One sound so broken and painful that it could have vocalised all of Jizabel's past pain and still have room for more.

With excruciating slowness, Alexis turned away from Cassian, whip now dangling limply from one hand. His eyes fixed on Jizabel's stricken features, he smirked and then spoke to Cassian.

"You don't need to change your mind. I have other ways of finding the truth."

Jizabel closed his eyes slowly and held back a sob. What had he done?

"So, Jizabel," Alexis said, voice casual but tone still edged with ice. "That story you told me a few minutes ago. Was it true? Don't lie to me, Jizabel."

"Yes," he whispered, unable to open his eyes for fear that Cassian would somehow be watching him and accusing him with his gentle eyes.

Despite this, his eyes slammed open as the whip sailed through the air once again. Cassian trembled but remained silent and Jizabel found himself wincing.

"I said _don't lie to me_," Alexis hissed. "Are you still going to disobey me?"

Jizabel bit his lip to keep himself from making a sound. He wanted to answer, wanted to lie until his father believed him. But at the same time, he wanted to scream the truth. He found himself unable to do either. It was an impossible choice; the father who secretly loved him, _must_ secretly love him or Cassian, the one person to ever make Jizabel doubt his hatred for humanity. Yet, as Alexis raised the whip again Jizabel found himself speaking without meaning to.

"Wait! It's...it was a lie. It was all a lie."

Alexis smiled but did not lower the whip.

"Good boy, Jizabel. Now... why did this wretch attack me?"

"I don't know."

"_Yes you do_."

"No, I-"

"Was he trying to destroy the organisation? Was he trying to kill me? Was he trying to infiltrate-"

"_No_," Jizabel said venomously, glaring at the Cardmaster's smiling face and silently praying for him to lower the whip. "It had _nothing_ to do with you."

"Then why?"

"To stop you."

"From doing what?"

"From..." Jizabel's voice dropped to a whisper and he knew his cheeks were burning with shame, shame he wasn't sure he should be feeling. "To stop you from hurting me."

Alexis smiled thinly, as though he regarded this idea as ridiculous, but he did not stop questioning Jizabel.

"And did he force you to leave or did you go with him willingly?"

Jizabel could feel the others watching him, could feel their eyes burning into him and waiting for the answer, as interested as Alexis but for entirely different reasons. Death had never felt any emotion. Death had always broken the rules. Death was barely human...and now they could see Jizabel as he really was, and they found him more unnerving than his macabre persona. His obedience surprised them...and it made him sick.

"I went willingly," he murmured, eyes still downcast.

"And where did you go with him?"

"A village."

"Which village?"

"It doesn't matter."

"I asked you a question."

"_It doesn't matter._"

_Crack_.

Cassian fell to the ground this time, surprised by the sudden attack. His back was awash with blood. Jizabel clenched his fists so hard that his nails bit into the soft skin of his palms.

"Redtree," he said quietly. "It was called Redtree."

"Good boy." Alexis didn't look away from Cassian as he spoke, seemingly savouring the sight before him. "And what did you do while there? Were you planning on coming back here and overthrowing me? Is that why he turned up out of the blue?"

"No," Jizabel's voice began to shake despite his best efforts to stop it from happening, "We were planning on leaving the country. We just wanted to get away..."

Alexis swung the whip again suddenly and Jizabel cried out again involuntarily. _He doesn't deserve this_, he thought angrily and was ashamed for doing nothing to intervene.

"And is that the truth Jizabel?"

Jizabel raised his eyes from the floor and met his father's gaze. He felt like a child again, unable to hide the emotions inside that would show so easily through his eyes. They were glistening now, amethyst orbs shining with tears that had never been spilt for their owner, but now began to cry freely in face of another's pain.

Seeing the truth in Jizabel's eyes, Alexis nodded. "Well done Jizabel. I suppose I have no need for this wretch anymore." Jizabel gave an audible sigh of relief as Alexis let the whip fall to the ground, the end slapping into the floor and sending tiny droplets of blood flying into the air. He hoped this meant Alexis would let Cassian go.

Hearing the sound, Cassian allowed himself to sink to the floor, pale and obviously in agony. Still, he said nothing. He had made his choice and intended to stand by it, even if it cost him his life. After all, if Jizabel could stand by and watch him die, then Cassian had nothing to live for. However, he froze as Alexis spoke again, in a mocking tone that made him feel sick. Not with fear for himself, but with pain for Jizabel.

"Kill him."

Jizabel's eyes widened and he forgot to breathe in surprise. Alexis drew a knife from his pocket and held it out towards Jizabel, handle first.

"What's the matter? " Alexis smirked. "You've killed plenty of people before. Kill him."

"No," he whispered, shaking.

"Why not?" Alexis asked smoothly. "You came back to us, didn't you? You're not still attached to him?"

"I will not kill him," Jizabel said slowly, voice a little stronger.

"Why?" Alexis smiled like a snake and then repeated the question he had asked the week before, the question that had haunted Jizabel all this time. "Do you love him, Jizabel?"

This time, Jizabel didn't hesitate. One glance at the crumpled and bleeding form of Cassian in the centre of the room was enough to expel his doubts, doubts he knew he should never have entertained. He gazed upon the wounds now marring Cassian's flesh and realised he wanted the skin to heal so he could caress that flesh again. He wanted to be held. He wanted to feel warmth again. For the first time, he realised there was something he wanted more than his father's love. He met Alexis'eyes and smiled weakly.

"Yes," he whispered, hardly believing he was saying it aloud. "Yes, I love him. I've never loved anything before, not truly, but I love him more than anything in this world."

He could feel the others watching him and risked a glance in their direction. Zenopia's eyes were filled with pity. The Moon looked shocked. The Owl looked pleased for some reason, almost smug. And Alexis...Alexis looked furious.

"I see," he hissed and brought the knife back to rest at his side. "So he's corrupted your mind, has he?"

There was a small noise from the centre of the room as Cassian laughed weakly. He spoke quietly, but all could hear his words. "Why...why now, Jizabel? Why admit this _now_. It's too late."

Before Jizabel could answer, Alexis had crossed to where he was crumpled and pulled him back onto his knees. He held the knife against Cassian's throat and then turned to Jizabel, purposefully stopping Cassian from doing the same.

"What else did he corrupt, Jizabel?" Alexis hissed. Cassian closed his eyes, knowing what was coming. "Your body? Your _purity_?"

"No-"

"Did you commit the sin of sodomy, Jizabel?"

The words bled into the silence and Jizabel looked away, cheeks now burning. He felt rage building inside him but the fear he had always felt for his father came rushing back and stopped him from answering. Cassian spoke into the silence.

"Jizabel...I meant what I said before. Whatever you say is the truth. Everything is up to you."

Jizabel nodded and wished he was placed somewhere else in the room, somewhere where he could see Cassian's face. Instead, he looked into Alexis' eyes and for the first time, saw nothing but coldness there. There was no potential for love in those eyes. No compassion. No humanity. Cassian's eyes had always been full of warmth and tenderness...and Jizabel knew now that it had always been hopeless to go after his father's love. Cassian had been right all along. He narrowed his eyes and when he spoke, his voice was steady.

"I no longer have any reason to lie to you, father. The answer is yes."

Instantly, Alexis turned and drove a fist into Cassian's jaw. He gave an incomprehensible cry of rage.

"I'll kill you," he hissed into Cassian's ear. "For what you've done, I'll kill you." He then raised his voice so all could hear. Jizabel took one step forward, expecting his father to notice and was shocked when he did not. He was consumed by rage. Alexis stood up behind Cassian, who was still on his knees.

"I hereby announce the execution of this trump card for attempting to abandon Delilah, for betraying our trust and for attacking a superior."

Jizabel continued walking, feeling anger pulsing through him like a heartbeat. The others let him pass as he moves steadily towards a marble bust on a pedestal in the corner of the room. He reached it as Alexis spoke again.

"And furthermore, for committing the blasphemous sin of sodomy-"

"_Bastard!_" Cassian cried out suddenly. "What happened between us wasn't a sin! I don't care what the church says, none of that matters. _We did nothing wrong_. And even if it was a sin, it was _justified_."

Jizabel wrapped his hands around the statue and picked it up silently, before turning and walking quickly towards the two men now yelling in the centre of the room.

"_Justified?_" Alexis roared. "You _defiled_ my _son_!"

A few metres away. Jizabel sped up.

"Defiled? _I_ defiled him? If that's the case then there is no word to describe the things _you _have done to him."

A metre away, and still unnoticed. Jizabel scowled.

"_How dare you_. I will kill you, have no mistake!"

Cassian on his knees, a knife held by a hand trembling with rage pressed against his throat as Jizabel's had been only hours earlier.

"Then just _kill me_ already!"

A step away. Alexis drawing back the knife now, aiming to stab in rage rather than execute as planned.

"I hope you rot in hell..."

...Alexis poised to kill. Cassian breathing heavily, eyes closed and body shaking with a mix of fear and anger. ...

"...you miserable waste of-"

"_No." _

Alexis turned but too slow, too late. The marble bust smashed into his chin as he turned to see Jizabel standing before him, face a mask of carefully channelled anger. Alexis staggered away from Cassian and raised an arm to shield himself but no use, the statue slammed into him again, this time against the side of his head, sending him crashing to the floor. Jizabel's control vanished in an instant and he dropped the statue, pouncing on Alexis' prone figure and drawing a scalpel from his pocket. He held it high and then brought it down in an arc of deadly silver aimed straight at his father's face –

"Stop!"

A weight landed on top of him and a hand knocked the scalpel away, while another placed a blade against his own throat.

Breathing heavily, eyes still fixed triumphantly on the unconscious man before him, Jizabel froze. He then laughed softly.

"It's a joke, Moon," he said.

The woman shook her head. "Not this time, Jizabel."

There was a moment of stillness and they froze in a strange tableau; Cassian lying sprawled on the floor, too painful to turn and see what was happening. Alexis unconscious, Jizabel straddling him triumphantly and Moon efficient and deadly. For a moment, Jizabel wondered whether he would really be killed for this. And then a voice spoke.

"Let him up, Moon. That's enough."

Instantly, the woman moved and Jizabel was free. The voice spoke again.

"Zenopia, get some medical supplies and money then come back here."

Jizabel realised it was the Owl that was talking and wondered why. He glanced up to see Cassian struggling to his feet and all thoughts of his present predicament were banished from his mind. Cassian. Cassian was alive. And nothing else mattered.

Slowly, he approached the older man, steps hesitant. Cassian finally stood upright and swayed a little, then tried to catch Jizabel's eye. The younger man refused to look at him, instead retrieving his discarded shirt from the floor and holding it out, inviting Cassian to step into it. A little shocked and totally confused by Jizabel's behaviour, Cassian did as he was prompted, wincing as the fabric sank into the gashes on his back. He turned back to Jizabel who swiftly began doing the buttons up, from bottom upwards. His fingers trembled and he fumbled the first few, still refusing to meet Cassian's eyes.

"Jizabel..."

The doctor reached the last button and stopped, eyes still downcast, fingers clutching at the material.

"Forgive me," he whispered. "Please forgive me."

_  
Please forgive me for the sorrow  
For leaving you in fear  
For the dreams we had to silence  
That's all they'll ever be  
Still I'll be the hand that serves you  
Though you'll not see that it is me_

_**A/N – **__Please review my lovelies. This chapter means a lot to me. And LURKERS – You only have this and one more chapter which to review, so damn well come and say hi!_


	12. A Better Place

_**A/N **__And so, at last, comes the end of this story which I have been affectionately calling my Godchild Fic of Doom. When I started this fic, I promised myself that a) I would actually finish it and that b) I would not cop out and try and write as well as I possibly could for the whole thing. I am happy to say I feel I managed both of these! Anyway, on to the final chapter. Many thank-you's and such at the end. Lyrics at the start from 'All I Need' by Within Temptation._

* * *

_Chapter Twelve - A Better Place_

_Make my heart a better place. _

_Give me something I can believe._

"Please forgive me."

Cassian gazed down at the doctor and could find no words to say. Which words could possibly do justice to everything he was feeling at that moment? Wordlessly, he drew Jizabel into his arms, pressing the younger man's head against his shoulder. Cassian kissed the top of Jizabel's head softly and held him tighter.

"You've done nothing wrong," he murmured gently. "So please don't ask for forgiveness. None of that matters now."

"You have no time for this."

The voice cut through the soft silence, reminding the two that they were not alone in the room. Jizabel drew away from Cassian slowly and turned to face the others. Moon was crouching over Alexis, one hand pressed against his neck and feeling his pulse. Zenopia had returned and was standing nervously to one side. The Owl stood watching them, arms folded across his chest. It was he who had spoken.

"What are you doing?" Cassian asked slowly, narrowing his eyes.

"You have no time to ask that, either," the Owl replied smugly. "You should leave now, before he wakes up."

"I don't trust you," Cassian said. "Why would you be letting us go? It doesn't make sense."

"And why are you involving yourself at all?" Jizabel added quietly, finally raising his eyes. "You aren't meant to interfere with anything, Fool."

"If you decide to waste time asking these questions and stay here, _you_ will be the foolish one, Death," he replied swiftly. "But if you will not leave without answers then you leave me with no choice but to oblige. Why am I interfering? One simple reason. You have attained the unobtainable."

Reflexively gripping Jizabel more tightly, Cassian scowled. "Stop speaking in riddles!"

"Love," The Moon said quietly, still gazing at her fallen master. "The Fool is trying to tell you that you have found the one thing that has been thought impossible for any member of this organisation. You have found love, and love in return. That is why we are interfering."

Jizabel's eyes widened and his cheeks coloured almost imperceptibly, a wave of something close to shyness rushing over him now that the anger was receding. Cassian frowned, confused and thrown off balance by the Moon's explanation. Was this a member of Delilah showing _compassion_?

"You're all insane," he said softly. Before either of the others could speak, Zenopia rushed forward, brandishing one of Jizabel's workbags.

"Just listen to them Cassian, please?" he said almost desperately. "This is no trick and no scheme. We did not plan this at all and you will not get another chance if you let this one go."

"But how can I trust-"

"Do it for Jizabel," Zenopia continued hurriedly. "That's what you came here for, isn't it? Don't tell me you're too proud to run now just because you're doing so with the help of others?"

"If it helps," the Owl said softly."We are not doing this for _you_. Well, I'm certainly not and I doubt Moon is either. If the two of you make it out of here then every other lost soul within these walls will have something to hope for. I for one would like to see if it really is possible to escape from the Cardmaster's clutches. Have you ever thought about how many people here have been dreaming of the same thing for years? I know none of this matters to either of you but for us? It could be a very good thing indeed."

"But why are you risking your positions here?" Cassian asked doubtfully, glancing at Alexis who still lay unconscious, a trickle of blood running down his face.

"Risking?" The Owl smiled dangerously. "What makes you think we're risking anything? As soon as the Cardmaster wakes up, this conversation never happened and you two are on your own. Do you see? This is why you have no time."

A little shocked, Cassian took a step back now as Zenopia stepped forward again, pushing the bag into the bemused doctor's hands.

"Take these," he said quickly.

"What is it?" Jizabel asked quietly, voice a little shaky now.

"Everything you'll need," Zenopia said quickly, his usual bluster still in place despite the seriousness of his tone. "Money so you can travel out of London unnoticed. Medicine, bandages and equipment for stitching Cassian's wounds when you have a chance. Things like that."

Reaching into the bag, Jizabel pulled out a sheaf of papers, eyebrow raised. "And these?"

"All of our research data and notes concerning brain transplants," Zenopia said, smiling slightly. "Before you said that Cassian was having difficulty, yes? If any difficulties arise in the future, these will help."

Jizabel stared at him blankly. "Why?" he asked quietly. "Why are you helping me like this? I can almost understand that the others are letting us go in order to see if it can be done, but for you that idea is ridiculous. You don't have any time left to escape, do you? So why are you doing this?"

Zenopia smiled faintly. "Because you are worth saving, Jizabel. If you could find any source of hope in this place, after everything you've been through then you are obviously destined for more than dying in this place."

Jizabel blinked once or twice before inclining his head slowly, obviously not understanding the Hermit's words but vaguely aware that he should be thankful. Zenopia watched him fondly, almost like an Uncle viewing his favourite nephew, a look Jizabel had never seen before. He found himself wondering whether that look had always been in Zenopia's eyes and that perhaps he had been too blind to see it.

"He is going to wake up soon," The Moon said quietly, one hand still pressed against Alexis' throat in order to monitor his heartbeat. Jizabel turned to see Cassian staring at the Owl, suspicion and concern obvious from both his expression and in the way he was standing, defensively, arms crossed.

"It seems as though it is now or never, Cassian," the white-haired Fool said calmly, smiling a little. "You have disappointed me. What happened to the man who attacked the Cardmaster and flew from this building, leading Death by the hand? I saw you that night you know. I was expecting much more from you this time."

Cassian scowled and opened his mouth to retort, when he was stopped by a gentle tug on his sleeve. Jizabel was watching him with large eyes, his expression curious and yet unreadable. In an instant, Cassian felt the suspicion and doubt fade from his mind; if he had any chance to escape with the man before him, he would take it, if only to stop the pain that usually filled the doctor's eyes from ever returning.

"Let's just go," Jizabel said quietly, cheeks colouring in an uncharacteristic blush. "Please, Cassian...I need you to take me away from here now." He glanced uneasily at his father and lowered his eyes to the floor, adding in a whisper. "Even now, I know that one word from him might cause me to stay. I need you to help me..."

Cassian nodded, and took a step away from the others in the room. He started to speak but was cut off swiftly once again.

"Don't thank us," the Owl said. "As soon as he wakes up, we are your enemies."

"The best way to show your gratitude would be to never let any of us see you again," Zenopia added, smiling a little sadly.

Closing his mouth, Cassian nodded uneasily and then turned back to Jizabel, who was watching the Moon monitor his father. Cassian reached out and took a pale hand gently, and the younger man tore his gaze away.

"Let's go," Cassian said quietly and began leading them towards the exit.

It felt to Cassian as though there was more than three people watching them leave and he began to quicken his steps, Jizabel keeping pace. Cassian was keen to avoid running if at all possible but they were moving quickly regardless, hands clasped. Through the corridors that would haunt their darker dreams for years to come they rushed silently until they finally reached the street. In contrast to the nerve-shredding journey of before, this journey to the train station seemed fairly relaxed. They walked quickly but not unusually so through the evening crowds and, once they had reached the station, bought tickets like any other people using the money Zenopia had given them, although the request for tickets to a place 'as far away from London as possible' were a little unusual.

Disaster struck as they began walking towards their train. A loud, angry and terrifyingly familiar was ringing out across the large foyer and they turned to see Alexis outlined against the doorway to the building, The Moon at his side. He was still bleeding heavily, pressing his discarded necktie to his face to try and stem the flow and so was being questioned by a station guard. His words, although spoken over some distance, were perfectly audible.

"I'm looking for my son, I wonder if you could help me?"

Jizabel's eyes widened and his grip on Cassian's hand tightened until crescent shaped marks were left in the flesh. Acting on impulse, Cassian turned around swiftly and began running towards their train dragging Jizabel with him, the wounds in his back screaming in protest at the sudden movement. To his distress, but not complete surprise, he felt some resistance from the younger man.

"Keep moving," he muttered, but his words were drowned out by a sudden yelling from behind them. The words were mostly incoherent but the message was clear; they had been spotted. Jizabel turned to look and attempted to stop running, almost being pulled over by Cassian in the process.

"_Keep moving,"_ said Cassian.

"But-"

"You said you wanted to escape, didn't you?" the older man asked a little angrily, panting from pain now. "If you go back now, that will be _it_. You'll never be able to escape from him. I won't come back for you again if you choose to leave me now," he added almost to himself.

Jizabel shook his head desperately and forced himself to run faster, although the inner struggle was clear. "I'm not going to leave you," he said, almost as though he was reassuring himself.

As they reached the first set of open doors on the train, they could hear footsteps behind them. Cassian made sure Jizabel was on the train and moving inside before looking back. He narrowed his eyes as he saw Alexis running towards him, hindered by his injured leg. Cassian then turned and entered the train himself, sliding the door shut behind him. He found Jizabel standing nervously by the doors.

"Keep walking," Cassian said in hushed tones so as not to alarm any other passengers. "He saw us board this carriage, so if we walk to the next one through the train he might not follow."

Jizabel nodded and began hurrying along the carriage, Cassian close behind. They reached the doors that divided the carriages and slipped into the adjoining one, hearing loud crashes coming from the one they had left as soon as they were safely behind a shut door.

"Jizabel!" a voice roared through the carriage and the doctor visibly paled. He had always enjoyed defying his father, but this was something different. He wondered whether Alexis would kill him if he was caught this time, deciding that that was a likely outcome. He hurried forwards, peering through the windows until he found an empty compartment. Catching Cassian's eye and nodding slightly, he slid the door open and slipped inside. Once they were both inside the compartment, they heard more shouting and even footsteps, this time a lot closer. Swearing under his breath, Cassian grabbed Jizabel and dropped to the floor before rolling towards the door so they would not be visible from the window.

The door that joined the carriages slid open suddenly although neither man could hear any footsteps. Hesitantly, Cassian tried to peer at the window and was met by the large brown eyes of the Moon. He froze, heart pounding in his chest but his fear was wasted as The Moon narrowed her eyes and raised a finger to her lips. From the next carriage, Cassian now heard two voices raised in anger. Alexis seemed to be arguing with a guard.

"I'm sorry sir, the train is about to leave and you must disembark."

"I can't, I'm looking for-"

"Sir, if you will please-"

"Don't you know who I _am_, man? The train can wait."

As the arguing continued, Cassian watched as the Moon left their area and went back to the other carriage. Time seemed to slow and seconds took an age to pass. Cassian gripped Jizabel tightly as he waited, burying one hand in the younger man's silver tresses as though afraid he was going to slip away.

"They're not here, sir," the Moon could be heard saying in the next carriage. Cassian and Jizabel both expelled breaths they hadn't realised they were holding. The sound of more arguing came from the other carriage before, finally, they heard two people leaving the train and the door closing. They lay still, unsure whether it was safe to move. Jizabel watched Cassian with wide eyes, the fear in them unmistakable from this distance. There was a great roar and the blast of a horn and the train began rolling forwards. Instantly, Cassian sprang to his feet and dashed to the window, looking out to see Alexis standing on the platform, still arguing with some guards. Jizabel walked to the window and watched as the train carried them steadily away from his father.

"Thank you," he murmured, reached up to tangle his fingers with the older man's.

Watching Alexis on the platform, hand pressed against his wounds and expression livid, Jizabel felt nothing. He felt no love for the man he had spent so long trying to impress and no admiration. Nor did he feel anger towards him, despite everything that had happened. He did however feel a vague sense of pity, of knowing that his own life was worth so much more than the man he was leaving behind. It was a strange sensation, but not unwelcome. As the platform became smothered in steam from the train and Alexis was lost to view, Jizabel did not feel the loss he was expecting but was hit by a wave of nervousness. Noticing this, Cassian turned away from the window and placed his hands on the doctor's shoulders.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

Jizabel did not answer directly and they spent several minutes standing that way, with Jizabel's back pressed against the window. After a long moment, the doctor nodded.

"What do we do now?" he murmured, eyes lowered to the floor. "I ruined all of our previous plans. He knows which train we boarded and so can follow us now...so what do we do?"

Cassian shook his head slightly. "Don't worry about that yet," he answered. "We have time and we have money. He didn't find us before, so I guess we can leave the country before he finds us this time..."

Cassian trailed off, the enormity of the plan finally hitting him. They were free, _truly_ free this time and it was terrifying. Jizabel's eyes were still focussed on the floor and Cassian was seized with the horrible idea that perhaps he was regretting leaving and so, without thinking, reached out and tilted the younger mans chin, forcing him to meet his gaze.

Jizabel's eyes were astonishing in that moment. Never before had Cassian seen them so full of unbridled emotion and he caught his breath gazing into the amethyst orbs. Jizabel smiled gently and took a step forward, pressing Cassian back against the window. The doctor raised a hand and brought it to rest against the curve of Cassian's cheek.

"Make me forget," he whispered. "I never want to repeat the idiocy of this morning."

"What do you-"

Cassian stopped speaking as Jizabel swiftly closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against Cassian's, eyes closed. For a moment, Cassian froze in surprise but then wrapped his arms around Jizabel and kissed him back ardently. Jizabel brought both hands up to tangle in Cassian's hair, careful not to put pressure on the wounds of his back. Jizabel broke the kiss gently but did not reopen his eyes, Cassian opened his own to see the younger man looking positively beautiful. Lips slightly parted, cheeks coloured a light pink and the slightest hint of a true smile brightening his features. Opening his eyes now, Jizabel trained his gaze on Cassian almost shyly.

"I love you," he said quietly and then laughed "Strange, isn't it? How that little sentence is so much harder to say now we don't have an audience."

Cassian smiled widely and leaned forward to steal another kiss but was stopped by a slender finger being pressed against his lips.

"Don't get lost in a moment," Jizabel said smirking, "And let me finish."

Cassian nodded, breathing heavily. When he spoke, his voice was hushed. "What did you want to say?"

"Teach me," Jizabel said simply. "I love you, Cassian. I want to be able to show you that but...I don't really know where to start. I'm not..." He paused and looked away for a moment. "I'm not any different from how I was this morning, not really. But unlike this morning, I _want_ to be different. Teach me how to do this properly. Make me a person worthy of..." He paused again, cheeks aflame with shame although his voice remained strong. "Of you," he finished in a voice barely above a whisper.

Surprised by Jizabel's words, Cassian held him more tightly. "I love you the way you are, kid. You don't need to change and certainly not for me. I don't want you to. Just..." He smiled a little sadly. "Just don't leave me, okay? I have nothing else to live for now. There's only you, Jizabel. I would rather you killed me than left me again."

Jizabel bit his lip and then said, "But I could never kill you. Not now."

Cassian grinned suddenly. "Then I guess we're stuck with each other, aren't we?"

When he leant forward this time, Jizabel did nothing to stop him. The younger man felt as though he was falling and held onto Cassian tightly as they kissed. At that moment, his future was a blur, his past was a dark smudge on his memory that he couldn't quite identify and the whole world was the present, was Cassian's lips warm against his own and the tender hands trailing in his hair. While they kissed, he felt no pain; the dull ache that normally pulsed through him was gone and he was filled with the warmth of something unfamiliar yet undisputable. Love crashed over him in waves

It may be true that the good in someone can never change, just as it may be true that the evil in a person is everlasting also. Yet, if a person is willing to acknowledge and love the evil lurking in the darkest corners of a bruised and beaten heart the whole matter becomes unimportant. As the train sped out of London, bearing them steadily and surely towards the coast and the promise of a future free from the agony both had grown accustomed to, neither man had a single thought to spare for the city of fog or the dark organisation that slept there. Night fell over the world unheeded and amidst innumerable passengers worrying about power and status or complaining about material issues, one carriage was a haven of warmth and happiness.

In the darkness, Jizabel clung to Cassian, resting his head against the older man's chest and feeling the pulse beating through the bare skin, knowing that it was beating for him.

"Thank you, Cassian," he whispered. "Thank you for saving me."

The older man smiled into the darkness and stroked pale tresses tenderly. "I was going to say the same thing," he said quietly.

"But," Jizabel said, voice becoming louder. "I never did any-"

He was silenced by a gentle kiss and then closed his eyes again.

"It doesn't matter," Cassian said quietly, leaning back and closing his eyes. "Tomorrow we can talk about anything you want to talk about and work out where we go from here. Tonight, I just want to hold you. You should sleep now. Good night, Jizabel."

"Good night," the younger man whispered sleepily. "I love you."

Cassian smiled widely, remembering the previous night and thinking that this, really, was the way it should have happened after all. Despite all the pain he had suffered that day, all the aguish and worry he had felt, he would not take it back for the world, not if he could hear the one he loved whisper those three words to him. No matter what Alexis had said, he knew that the joy coursing through him at that moment was as far from a sin as it was possible to be.

The train bore them steadily towards the south coast and away from a past filled with pain and sorrow. For one night, they slept without dreaming, since no dream could ever match the beauty of the waking world and no nightmare would have the power to sully it. The future was daunting, their road uncertain and they knew they had enemies behind them, and yet both slept without worry, wrapped in a warm cocoon of contentment. Anything and everything either could want could be found in the other's soft breathing or in the warmth of soft skin.

Having obtained the unattainable, Jizabel and Cassian slept safe in the knowledge that, for one night, the future could wait.

* * *

_**A/N **__*flails* That was very hard for me to end indeed, I've grown so attached to these two. But there you have it! Sacrificial Lamb has finally come to a close. So, on to some important things..._

_**A huge, resounding, passionate thank you to the following people:**_

_Obviously, my fellow writers of The Jizabel/Cassian Invasion, __**SunilaMoon**__ and __**Savvi-Sin**__. I love you both oh-so-much, thank you for sticking around for this whole damn thing and for providing me with many long, fangirlish conversations. May they long continue. Next to __**DarkAngelJudas **__and __**Lyless and Lockesilver**__ for also sticking around and reviewing! And finally, thank you to anyone who read this in it's entirety, whenever you read it,whyever you read it and whoever you are. __**I love you all**__. __**Please, please, please do not hesitate to review now it's over. I'd love to hear from every one of you.**_

_Now that's out of the way..._

_**What in God's name is Sorryll going to do now this is over?**_

_I have a number of other fics which will now be getting my attention. So, if you like the way I write, please check the following out;_

_**Desire**__ – my newest story. It's Riff-centric but with plenty of Cassian and will contain both CainxRiff and JizabelxCassian to heed the will of the poll on my profile. It currently has one chapter but I'm telling you now, it's going to be one hell of a ride._

_**Wheel of Fortune**__ – an insane, time-loopy JizabelxCassian fic I started a while ago. I will finish it now, I swear._

_**Don't Make Me Be Myself – **__a story posted on the account I share with Savvi-Sin and SunilaMoon. Seeing as it's the three of us, it contains much Jizabel abuse, a lot of Cassandra nastiness and general angst and insanity. You can find it by following the link on my profile to our account, __**Victorian-Affair.**_

_Also...if you have any ideas for Cain Saga oenshots, feel free to request them! I don't want to leave the fandom just yet._

_**Love, cookies, crumpets and cuddles to anyone reading this! I hope to see you all again soon. 3**_

_Sorryll xx_


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